¡Olé!

He must have been very embarazado about that.
- Yes, he was Sonic the Hedgehog.
  
  Thought that was more shadow
- I think the friend is a woman, that entered the "Masculino" bathroom.
  
  I thought so too but if you reread the post, the friend is referred to as “he”

Awww, he's such an abuela.
- Quite the Papi churro.

My step son memorized a single sentence in Spanish, which he would say with good pronunciation and a lot of confidence: "tengo un gato en pantalones," which means, "I have a cat in my pants."
- "I have a cat in pants"
  
  ¿Tiene un Gato que usa los pantones?
- I take it your step son watched Blue Streak?
  
  Either that or just grew up when that cat in my pants thing was a meme.
  I remember in high school maybe jr high it being a thing that people just said without much context. I didn't know it was from Blue Streak until ... Maybe now?
- My punk band in the 90s write and recorded an entire song that was named that lol. It had other phrases such as "you like to bite your pillow" and classics such as "you are the fucker of mother's"
  Wish I still had that.
  
  "you like to bite your pillow"
  That's a common slur/insult for gay men in Colombia.
- The only coherent sentence I remember from French class is "Je parle un peu de Français, mais ceci n'est pas tres bein" which means "I speak a little French, but it's not very good"
  
  Not quite, it would be ",but this there is not very good"
  
  I wouldn't call it coherent, but it self referentially gets the point across, which is the idea I suppose.
- I did the same thing with the phrase "No tengo pantalones, pero tengo chicle" or "I don't have pants, but I have gum."

¿Soy un baño?
Lo siento, no habla español.
- Ok so I haven't used much Spanish since middle school but...
  ¿Esto es un baño?
  Lo siento, no hablo español.
  ... Are those the correct forms?
  
  "¿Esto es un baño?" Would be "Is this a bathroom?" If you were pointing at the door I think any spanish speaker would understand. Though I would use "¿Aque es el baño?" Which would be closer to "Is this the bathroom?"
  If you weren't pointing at a door and want to ask where the bathroom is it'd be "¿Dónde está el baño?" Translation: "Where is the bathroom?". Other options are
  "¿Me enseñas dónde está el bano?" = Can you show me where the bathroom is?
  "¿Puedo usar tu baño?"= Can I use your bathroom?
  "¿Tienen un baño que puedo usar?= Do you have a bathroom I could use? Or just "¿Tienen un baño?"= Do you have a bathroom.
  "Lo siento no habló español" is "I'm sorry I don't speak Spanish." Alternatives:
  "Lo siento no ~~habló~~ hablo mucho español." = I'm sorry I dont speak much spanish.
  "Lo siento no sé mucho español." = I'm sorry I don't know a lot of spanish.
  "Lo siento nomas sé poquito español." = I'm sorry I only know a little spanish.
  "Lo siento nomas puedo hablar poquito español." = I'm sorry I can only speak a little spanish.
  Either sentence could be started with a form of "disculpa". But honestly my thumbs are getting tired of typing so I'm just going to leave it there.
- Derailing because I'm randomly interested: does (Mexican) Spanish say "baño" for the room where you go to pee? Even if there's nothing but a loo and a basin there? I know next to no Spanish but according to my general knowledge about languages "baño" looks more like somewhere you primarily take a bath rather than a place to pee. I thought that kind of euphemism was a very US thing.
  If you asked someone in public in my native language for the "bathroom", they would probably understand you need the loo but look at you funny.
  
  Loo and basin are toliet and sink right? Either way "baño" can be a room with or without a bathtub/shower. People understand you based on context and tone. So "Necesito un baño." Could mean either "I need to pee/poo." Or "I need a shower/bath." Depending where and how you say it. Obviously you're not going to ask about taking a shower at a restaurant. Or maybe you are I'm not going to judge but you'll be shown to a room with just a toliet and sink. Tone wise for shower think how you'd say you need a shower after a long hot day doing manual work.
  The above is using informal, technically wrong, spanish. Because a shower is "duchar" though practically no one uses that word anymore. Some sentences would be:
  ~~"Me voy a ducharme."~~ "Me voy a duchar" or "Voy a ducharme" = I'm going to take a shower.
  "Estaba duchañdome." = I was taking a shower.
  "Necesito una duche." = I need a shower.
  My guess it's easier to use baño for both shower and bath. Plus for people that know English it sounds to much like douche. Much like "Voy a molestar me hermano." is a perfectly fine sentence meaning "I'm going to annoy my brother." But to english ears it sounds to close to "I'm going to molest my brother."
  To end on a fun note. You can say "Voy agarrar un baño." Which could be word for word translated as "I'm going to take a bathroom." But of course you're not going to take an entire room from someones house or business. Actual meaning is "I'm going to go take a shower." Still the idea of someone just yoinking an entire room is pretty amusing. At least it is to me.
  
  I’m from San Diego, and we always called it baño here.
  
  yes, Mexican Spanish uses it that way. there's pretty much no context in which you have to ask someone about where to take a shower, so the distinction is not very necessary. I'm pretty sure I've never once in my life asked where to take a bath or shower.
  
  Spanish say "baño" for the room where you go to pee? Even if there's nothing but a loo and a basin there?
  Almost every language do that. English says bathroom, even if they're not showers on them.

Donde.
Esta.
La biblioteca.

Would be interesting to see how many tourists it would take to gaslight native language speakers they don't speak their onw language
- This is America, and we speak English.
  It really shows with how many of our words were borrowed from indigenous languages.
  
  I'm not from the US. Which words did y'all borrow?

Peggy Hill?
- I quoted her saying “muchos importante” in front of someone who natively spoke Spanish and they corrected me saying “muy” and I was too high to explain that I was quoting a character from a cartoon who spoke bad Spanish but taught as a subst…. Aaaaaaa I hate this memory I felt so dumb
  
  it's okay, i think that is cute

I drove into Baja with a few friends decades ago. A girl that was with us kept saying "OCHO!" to people. She'd buy something, the shop person would give her change, and she'd smile real cute and confidently say,"OCHO!" After 3-4 times, and a corresponding number of confused looks in response, I asked her why she kept saying that. She thought it meant "Thank you!" We all laughed and got on with our trip.

Puedo comer vidrio, no me hace daño.