1w ago

I’ll never get a chance with him and it’s my and my mental health’s fault

Hi. I’m a Christian Polish (and Dutch) man (20M) who’s been outright terrible for years. I, like other people I’ve known, have been rather traditional. Patriotic and bigoted, you know the type. However, there was one thing I always thought was wrong with me: I’m attracted to men.

I always kind of liked this one man, my friend Greg, platonically and eventually romantically, as much as I hated to admit it.

I really liked him since we started to talk when we were 15. I saw him as a guy I could rely on. Greg is smart, funny, sweet, amazing really. I clung to him. He was my best friend. In fact, he was the one who helped me discover I liked men.

I’m nothing compared to him and I never will be much.

I’ve tried getting close to Greg. I tell him how smart he is, he lies back that I’m as smart as he is. I told him we should live together one day.

But I have mental health issues. I push people away and don’t think I’m good enough to have them.

Quite recently, Greg has shown some interest in me. Of course, I didn’t like that and pushed him away. I bullied him and talked behind his back after finding out he moved on and had a girlfriend.

When he broke up with her, I decided to give it another try and started being nicer again and trying to get closer. I thought he was an asshole and decided to forget it when I found out he yet again got a NEW girlfriend. Regretfully, I was mean to him right before again and now he has someone. I’m destined to be alone and I deserve it because of my mental health.

I’ve shoved him, screamed at him, et cetera. You can react, give advice, ask questions, I don’t really mind.

5 comments

So...he let you back in, and you did the same thing again? I understand mental health problems, i do, but they are still YOUR problems. You've gotta take responsibility for them and steps to address them before you try for a relationship. Imagine what this looks like from his side? School friend suddenly becomes a dick and turns on him? That's gotta suck, and then you did it twice.
You've looked inward (sort of). Time to seek help.
- Apparently I triggered his ptsd by yelling at him
  
  I know you said you're only 20, but one piece of advice I can offer from decades ahead: I can count on one hand how many times I've raised my voice in anger or frustration in any romantic relationship, and even then its still too many. If I'm getting close to raising my voice then its automatically my problem that I can't communicate, and I need to step back and reconsider my approach.
  If a partner were yelling at me regularly, that would be an immediate red flag that they can't communicate like an adult in an equal relationship with me. I'd be out of that relationship quickly. I see thinking its okay to yell at your partner in anger/frustration is a sign of immaturity.
  Again, you're only 20, so I don't expect you to have this all figured out yet. Your 20s are where you learn a lot about yourself and life. You are going to make lots and LOTS of mistakes. Welcome to young adulthood! However, it is critical you learn from these mistakes in your 20s. In your 30s if you are still making them, people won't put up with your shit and you won't be able to understand why there is this entire level of people that keep you at arms length or cut you out entirely.

As someone who made bad relationship choices when I was young I feel you man. One thing I would recommend is not idolising this person or your feelings for them. One of the unfortunate things about falling in love in your late teens is that you're at your most hormonal. Love will never feel the way it did for you back then. The intensity and the passion of love for someone else won't ever feel the same. It'll be different, recognising that, and not letting the absence of that original high define your expectations of love and future relationships is something to make sure you're prepared for. I hope some of this resonates with you, good luck in moving on. It can take a while, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

All I want to say is try not to be too hard on yourself with this. Yeah, it sounds like you went through some significant instability around the guy, but it 100% doesn't have to be that way with everyone and forever.
You're young, you have a psychologically difficult context (hard enough when you're young, adding an attraction style that's frowned upon by tradition/culture/what have you only makes it more complicated), and you've found someone you admire. Honestly, this is pretty par for the course from where I'm standing (I'm not trying to minimise your experience, it still sucks and I'm truly sorry you've experienced loss in this way).
I'm not saying that I encourage the behaviour you've described, but it isn't shocking, either. You're figuring out who you are, botching a few takes along the way is to be expected. Take your time to properly grieve this loss, but don't be disheartened entirely. I promise you you'll be back on that horse, and I guarantee you this will not only not be the last person* who strikes your fancy, but it also won't be the last time your emotions go haywire around someone else. The important thing is to learn something from every attempt and to try to make new mistakes every time.
You are entirely deserving of love, and you deserve someone who makes it look easy.