Wall Street, we have a problem.

I can't. Is this mental difficulties or that thing journalists do where they have to act like they were literally just born and don't know anything about the world? I don't know the dude in OP.

Tbh Wall Street can fuckin off. They helped create this mess. If this ship is going down, let's make sure none of the assholes find a seat on a life boat.
- All of everyone’s retirement accounts are invested in the market. So it’s not just those assholes who get fucked by this.
  
  In fact, those assholes will be fine. WE won’t.
  
  Lucky me, I don't have any retirement investments!
  
  How much of retirement accounts represent in % for the overall stock market?
  
  I switched to cash last week.
- Oh you can be sure Congress will be working overtime to pass a bill with relief to those big businesses that cannot fail.

Maybe they should try more tariffs. More tariffs will fix it definitely.
- We just need to hawk more $100k Teslas from the White House. …what a fucking embarrassment.
- Yo dawg, I heard you like tarrifs...
  
  Side note, why do people seem to struggle so much with the spelling of the word "tariff"? We've seen it so many times yet so many people get it wrong.

Here in the US, I transfered most of my 403(b) investments into European, Asian, and "emerging market" funds, so I'm happy to be doing my part.
- any guidance or resources for an idiot who would like to explore that?
  
  If you have a 401(k) or 403(b) through your employer, your employer should be partnered with an investment firm to manage it (e.g. T Rowe Price, Prudential, or Transamerica). You need to figure out which company you've got and log in to your account. Ask your HR dept if you can't figure it out.
  That firm will automatically choose where to invest your money unless you log in to your account on their website and tell them where you want it invested.
  Most investment firms will offer a limited selection of mutual funds with a variety of objectives. They usually link to each prospectus right there on the site, and the prospectus often has a pie chart telling you where a fund's investments are located (US, Europe, Asia, etc). It will also list their performance over time, expense ratios, and other useful info, like whether they invest in large vs small cap businesses and their largest individual holdings.
  You want to change both where your current investments are allocated and where your future contributions will be allocated.
  You also want to try to find funds with low expense ratios (I try to stay below 0.10% unless it's a fund I really like and am willing to make an exception for). Anything titled "index fund" is likely to be low. Your money is almost guaranteed to be automatically invested in funds with high expense ratios, cutting into your long-term growth, because the investment firm makes big bucks giving your money to people who aren't wise with it.
  If you want to get serious, you can even set up a personal choice account where you can totally independently decide where to invest your money, even in individual stocks. This comes with significant risk and is not a great idea for laypeople like you or I.

Any Americans tired of winning yet?
- I can’t handle being any greater.
- So very much

What's interesting to me is that the "shape" of the line still matches the global line pretty well so there are some "fundamental" aspects that still affect markets, but overall we're in a nosedive for "some reason."

Note the vertical axis does not start at 0.
- I don't think this was done deceptively. Most financial graphs like this don't start at 0.
- It appears to be representing percent change from the close of the preceding period, so 100% isn't a totally unjustifiable axis.

Don't worry, the rest of the world will get pulled down when we really nose dive... hooray contagion.
- I agree, but I don't think it will be as bad as the last few times for anyone but the US. Trump has managed to piss off literally the biggest trade partners the US has, so they will happily just invest elsewhere and leave the US economy in the dust instead of trying to survive the crash together.

I’m feeling pretty smug lately having always avoided the stock market so my money has been the same this whole time
- lol it's not going to zero. It will rebound sooner or later. Just another cycle.
- Maybe should convert some of those dollars to Euros tho just in case
- Lol just wait until the reports come out about the inflation rate since Trump took office.
  
  Yeah but I still didn’t burn my money in stocks
- Buy the dip.
  This is financial advice.