Make every car moan when you start it
Have penis make very loud air raid siren alarm when slightly hard
Final wish: You can never leave the lamp again.
First wish: all humans turn blue for 24 hours after masturbating
Second wish: reverse all human digestive tracts so food goes into anus and excretion comes out of mouth, trump style
Third wish: reproductive organs are all non functional for reproduction specifically and humans mate by doing The Polka for 6 consecutive hours.
Love, Satan
Third kind of makes the first one pointless. Unless that is, you consider doing the Polka by yourself masturbation.
Notice how I said reproduction specifically. You could still pleasure yourself. and yes solo polka would also count as masturbation
Do you masturbate to reproduce?
Shit damn. I can't masturbate OR polka without turning blue? That really is diabolical.
Funnily enough, the third wish is actually one of the most positive things that can happen here.
Now people will fuck each other all day without having to worry about getting pregnant. No pills, no implants, no hormone. It's just good ol' pleasure now.
I'm blue, da ba dee da ba di
Final wish: Increase childhood cancer by 500%.
You sick fuck.
Take your up arrow.
Climate change solved?
1st wish: bring all insects together into one mega organism blob that slowly traverses the earth consuming anything it touches
Make bedbugs immune to insecticides.
Bedbugs now fly.
cancel update CANCEL UPDATE
This is great. You've made it easier to know if we have bed bugs now. And it's a good thing we don't use insecticide to kill bed bugs anyway. You could use diatomaceous earth, but the most effective way of getting rid of them is to have a professional kill them with steam. Your wishes are a service to humankind.
So Nausicaä?
"All bugs are now the size of dogs."
All yards become massive piles of dead dogs erupting everywhere from the ground.
"I'ma boutta singlehandedly bring the worldwide prices for gasoline and ammo up a cent."
Final wish, multiply every bank balance by 0.5
Would this one unintentionally help reduce wealth disparity?
By a lot! It would also cut every overdrawn bank account by half :)
Unfortunately it's just "bank balance", so actual debts outside of that wouldn't be touched.
It would get worse. Cash reserves are for working class people; the rich mostly hold stocks which appreciate over time.
Divide every bank balance by zero
XKCD 2741 Alt Text: "I wish for everything in the world. All the people, money, trees, etc." "Are you SURE you--" "And I want you to put it in my house."
Third wish: raise avg world temp by 5C.
How do we know that's not what happened to Trump?
He would have lost focus babbling halfway through his first wish and never reached a coherent request.
Give everyone tastebuds in their anus.
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Of course I know the taste buds in my colon (TBIMC) can never be cured, but my doctor told me that with proper diet and excercise and Poisantin, my TBIMC could be monitored, putting me in control of the size and sensitivity of the taste buds in my colon.
Accelerationism intensifies.
Third wish: we hit 2 degrees ten years ahead of schedule
