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How would you feel if somebody you knew told you they had NPD?

If somebody you knew like a family member, partner or friend told you they had NPD would you still talk to them? Would it change how you feel about that person?

As someone with NPD I'm always worried about how having NPD would affect me socially. It's so stigmatised and people are always talking about how dangerous people with cluster B personality disorders are. I'm dating this guy at the minute. I really love him but I'm worried about how he would feel if he found out about my NPD. Would he still want to see me after what you see online about NPD? Should I ever tell him? Should I just keep it secret?

As of now I've told nobody about my diagnosis other than a few people at job interviews. What I'm basically asking here is 'How will NPD affect your social life?'.

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65 comments

  • What's a NPD???

  • Why the ever-loving eff would you talk about this during a job interview?

    Is this a recent diagnosis? You need to slow way down and educate yourself on the condition and your employment rights. And I don't mean by asking people on internet forums. Get real resources recommended by the doctor who gave you the diagnosis.

  • The issue is behavior (which is the primary way most of that is diagnosed to begin with).

    Acknowledging the behavior and making a deliberate attempt to prevent/improve it is something I would see as a positive sign compared to the behavior without the same steps. Getting a diagnosis (and some type of therapy) is a good thing.

    If you consistently treat me badly, the label wouldn't be why I left. If you make mistakes, but make the regular effort to be aware of them and improve, the label doesn't matter either.

  • I think I would feel like saying. What is NPD?

  • Did you recognize that you're making it all about yourself?

    Truth?

    By the time someone got diagnosed with it, I would already be sick of the behavior, amd they wouldn't be a part of my life. I've had to do it before

    That being said, if the people in your life haven't noticed it enough to be sick of you, telling them your diagnosis is pointless. Work on yourself via therapy, and it's all good.

    It's also not something you need to mention in job interviews since there's no accommodations needed.

    But that half-joke I started with? It's only half a joke. If you go around telling everyone, you're kinda doing it. Your diagnosis is something you work on in therapy and would only bring up if needed. It isn't something that's useful to anyone else. Now, if you've been having trouble in your social interactions, and a specific person is having difficulty dealing with you, saying that you're aware of a problem and are working on it is a useful thing to them and you.

    In other words it isn't something to be ashamed of and hide, it just isn't something to broadcast without a reason.

  • I hear how much this diagnosis weighs on you. You're carrying around this knowledge that you have NPD, feeling caught between wanting genuine connections and worrying that being open about this could push people away. It's a really difficult position to be in: wanting to be authentic with someone you love while facing all this stigma and misconceptions about personality disorders.

    You're not just asking about a diagnosis; you're asking about how to navigate relationships, how to be genuine with people you care about, and how to handle vulnerability. These are deeply human concerns that go way beyond any diagnostic label.

    I've know many people who initially saw their diagnoses as permanent labels that defined who they were. I get why: that's how mental health has been presented to us for decades. We're told these are distinct categories, clear boxes that people fit into. But here's something fascinating that recent research has shown: When researchers studied over 3,700 people who shared the same diagnosis of major depression, they found over 1,000 different symptom patterns. More than half of the people had patterns so unique they appeared in less than 0.1% of the group.

    This isn't just true for depression; it applies to most mental health diagnoses. The whole idea of these being clear, distinct categories is breaking down as we look more closely at the science. In fact, despite decades of searching, researchers haven't found reliable biomarkers for these diagnoses. The DSM workgroup themselves concluded this (page 8 of the pdf here as well as page 18 of the pdf here).

    What does this mean for you? Well, it suggests that thinking of NPD as a fixed thing that defines you might not be the most helpful way to look at it. Instead of asking "Will people reject me because I have NPD?", we might ask different questions: What patterns do you notice in your relationships? What kind of connections do you want to build? What helps you move toward those connections, and what gets in the way?

    You mentioned being worried about your current relationship, about whether your boyfriend would still want to be with you if he knew about the diagnosis. That's a really understandable fear, especially given how personality disorders are often portrayed. But I wonder if we could look at this differently. Instead of thinking about "revealing NPD" as a single big disclosure, what if we thought about building authentic connections in a way that aligns with what matters to you?

    The real strength I see in your post isn't related to any diagnosis, it's that you care deeply about being genuine in your relationships. You're wrestling with these questions because connection matters to you. That's not a symptom; that's a value. And it's something you can move toward, step by step, in ways that feel right to you.

    I know I often reference ACT and process-based approaches, and some might see that as my go-to solution for everything. But this situation perfectly illustrates why these approaches can be so helpful. Rather than letting a diagnostic label define your path, you can focus on understanding your own patterns, knowing what matters to you, and building psychological flexibility to move toward the life you want.

    When you ask "How will NPD affect your social life?", you're asking a question that assumes the diagnosis drives everything. But what if we turned it around? What if instead we asked: What kind of social life do you want to build? What patterns help you move toward that? What patterns get in the way? These questions put you in the driver's seat, not the diagnosis.

    This isn't about denying challenges or pretending patterns don't exist. It's about seeing them as processes you can work with rather than permanent labels that define you. The science is increasingly showing us that this is not only more accurate, but more useful for creating change.

    You're not your diagnosis. You're a person trying to build meaningful connections while dealing with certain patterns of thinking and behaving. Those patterns can change. They might be stubborn sometimes, but they're not set in stone. What matters is moving toward what's important to you, one step at a time.

    • Thank you so much for this comment. It's the most understanding one here and it really helps.

  • Cluster B personality disorders tend to be the sort of personality disorders that are obvious to those around you. (To anyone who has done any serious study on the topic of personality disorders, it's likely those around you (at least the ones you've interacted at all sufficiently with) already know you have NPD. To those around you who haven't, I'm sure they've still identified aspects of your behavior that are much different from how most people behave, and stumbling across the Wikipedia page for NPD is likely to bring you to mind.)

    I do say "tend to" on purpose. There is such a thing as a "covert presentation" of NPD that can be less obvious.

    I've done enough study on the topic that I know a bit about what the term "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" means. If someone I knew mentioned to me that they had an NPD diagnosis, I think just how that would affect my view of them would depend on a few things:

    I think if I hadn't known them very long and there wasn't any particular reason for them to bring it up, I'd likely see bringing up their NPD diagnosis as an attention-seeking behavior. (This would be true no matter what the diagnosis was. If someone I didn't know well just lead with "I have histrionic PD" or "I'm autistic" without a specific good reason to be bringing it up (and I'm not saying that there aren't cases where leading with a psychological diagnosis is appropriate), I'd similarly feel they were seeking attention. Of course with NPD, "attention seeking" is even one of the diagnostic criteria, and so there is a certain difference with seeking attention by airing your NPD diagnosis vs airing your schizoid PD (or whatever) diagnosis.) If I'm honest, OP, just interacting with you a couple of times on Lemmy, this is kindof the way I view you. That said, I don't see your behavior on Lemmy as "bad" in any particular way. You're getting some of your needs filled and also contributing to the community here by starting what I see as interesting and engaging conversations. But I do think a big part of why you're writing so much about NPD is to get validation from strangers on the internet.

    If I had known them for a while and had already seen them exhibit a lot of narcissistic behavior, it would probably be a bit of a relief to hear them say they had an NPD diagnosis. I'd see them as more self-aware than I did before and that would increase my respect for them. I'd probably suspect their awareness of their condition means they may have a genuine interest in managing it and they may be in treatment. I'd suspect they probably knew a bit about the terminology. And if their behavior became unacceptable and I needed to ask them to tone it down, I might be able to break through their defenses to get them to actually listen to me by speaking to them about their behavior in terms more closely associated with PD theory. I'd also feel a bit honored to have been confided in.

    If I had known them for a while but the fact they had an NPD diagnosis took me by surprise, it would definitely make me reevaluate my view of NPD a bit. As I said above, covert NPD does exist but I'd be surprised I didn't pick up on it myself even their presentation was covert.

    • "I’d likely see bringing up their NPD diagnosis as an attention-seeking behavior. (This would be true no matter what the diagnosis was. If someone I didn’t know well just lead with “I have histrionic PD” or “I’m autistic” without a specific good reason to be bringing it up"

      Well, obviously the things I talk about on the internet are different then irl. I would never bring it up to anyone in the real world. I don't even talk about it that much on here outside of a few threads. I only made those threads so that people can hear a different view on the topic from someone who has it rather then sensationalist pop-psychology trash.

      I made this account so I can talk about things I couldn't irl and this diagnosis would be one of the things as it has really played in me since I first had it.

  • What I see online? I spent the first twenty years of my life as a target of cluster-B abuse, trust me I know firsthand.

    My advice to all people in range is drop everything and fucking run. Things are replaceable. Jobs and friends are replaceable. Your wellbeing isn't.

    It sucks, you didn't choose it, it's not fair - I totally get that, believe me. I have ADHD, it's a bitch, and it can suck for the people around me.

    But the thing is, the fact that it's not your fault doesn't make you safe to be around. People can be a danger to others completely involuntarily, despite their greatest wish not to be. And yes, that's completely fucking unfair.

    NPD and BPD are both driven by a great sucking vortex of need-for-validation that can never be filled, and that tortures people if left unfed. NPD is when the vortex demands power or status, BPD is when it demands extravagant emotional connection, but they're the same basic model underneath. It's as vicious and relentless as any drug addiction, it doesn't go away, and it will eventually overpower any amount of good intent. When the monkey's on their back, all bets are off and the nearest available victim will be preyed upon.

    I don't think there's a safe way to be in a relationship with that - though I suppose with extremely open communication and amazingly well-defined and enforced boundaries, it could be doable. But this is very much a case of informed consent - it would be supremely shitty not to let your partner know the deal.

  • How would you feel if somebody you knew told you they had NPD?

    I usually know pretty quick without them telling me, and it doesn't change how I feel/think about them- that's based on their behavior, not their diagnoses

    Should I ever tell him?

    I would maybe bring it up in a joking/self-deprecating manner, because there's a good chance he puts it together eventually if you're together long enough. E.g., "my toxic trait is that despite being measurably worse than most people on most metrics, I'm still somehow better than everyone" (gotta be delivered right though).

    I joke about my narcissism with my family, partner, and clients

    Edit: one of the few places I wouldn't tell someone is during a job interview

  • ... other than a few people at job interviews.

    this hurt me a lot in the past so i learned not to share things like diagnosis until after the interviews.

  • If it’s a person that I know then it wouldn’t affect my view of them at all, because I already know them.

    • This, if anything it might clarify a few confusing exchanges we've had in the past, and it will certainly help me be a better friend in the the future.

      If I already know you, I know you, I'm choosing to be friends with you because of how you treat me and how you treat others when we hang out together. If I had any problems with that, I wouldn't be friends long enough to hear you tell me about your NPD diagnosis.

      Now that said, I've had friends tell me about a diagnosis and it shouldn't change anything, but now that the diagnosis is out in the open they want it to change things and I can't offer that to the friendship, such as compromising on my own boundaries (eg: I had a friend who after explaining their condition asked me to provide tone indicators for everything I say, but I have alexithymia so that was really difficult for me to do and I couldn't adjust my behaviour to meet the new expectations of the friendship, so we faded out of each other's lives, they told people I stopped being friends with them because of their anxiety disorder... No it's because I couldn't meet the changed expectations of the friendship, describing my emotions every minute is hard for me and I choose not to be friends with people who require me to do that for their comfort)

  • I know and have some friends who are diagnosed with NPD. It doesn't affect how I treat them. A diagnosis is just a piece of paper at the end of the day, and there's no reason to treat someone differently based on whether or not they have a particular sheet of paper. I act according to people's behaviour.

    • I wish more people were like you and your friends. Although I wouldn't go as far as to say that it's just words on a sheet of paper. That's like saying that a sentence is just words out of a Judges mouth but still, a personality disorder is a disorder like one else. Like not being able to walk or having autism. Sure, it may effect how I interact with the world but it doesn't define me and I can improve myself but most people wouldn't believe that considering how much the media has demonized NPD.

      • If you hadn't been diagnosed, would the behaviours the psychiatrist deemed "narcissistic" not exist in you? Behaviours don't suddenly manifest upon diagnosis. Diagnoses are a way of pathologising and, ultimately, punishing differences, especially ones which are contrary to capitalist productivity. Diagnoses are definitely not objective assessments of dysfunction: see, for obvious examples, the hysteria diagnosis, the now nonexistent diagnosis of homosexuality/homophilia, or the entirely bullshit racist diagnosis of oppositional defiant disorder (diagnosed as ADHD in white boys, of course). Even taken at their most benign and apolitical, diagnoses are still human-made categorisations of observed behaviour. The vast majority of psychiatric diagnoses describe a set of commonly co-occuring symptoms, not a root cause or a particular structural anomaly in the brain; they aren't any more of a natural discrete category than creating a category of white people with blonde hair and blue eyes, since those symptoms tend to co-occur.

  • Depends on how you frame it.

    “I’m a certified asshole and that’s why I’m trying to change.”

    or

    “I’m certified awesome and you should know any problems are really your fault.”

  • Exactly how I feel about being aspd (sociopathic)

    I would judge them heavily in my head and pay very close attention to them to be aware of any attempts at manipulation or anything of the sort.

    I understand it's a complex diagnosis and has many facets that aren't inherently negative but ignoring the large parts that are inherently negative would be putting yourself in jeopardy.

    But as someone with a diagnosis with the same level of negative connotation I'd be more understanding but still wary.

    Not every narcissist is a monster just like not every sociopath is a monster despite the general opinion on the matter.

    • I agree with you. When I was first diagnosed I didn't believe it because I thought it was the type of thing only serial killers had. I would look into it and I heard people would say about people with NPD so it was hard to think of myself as like that. Overtime I came to terms with my diagnosis and started to rethink my views of others with a similar diagnosis.

  • In my experience, I've known long before they did.

  • Honestly, don’t tell anyone except your partner. From what I’ve seen, revealing that kind of information often leads to more disadvantages than benefits. At best, people might not treat you any differently and won’t make assumptions about your behavior, motives, or credibility based on what they’ve read online. But realistically, you’re unlikely to gain any tangible advantages by sharing it. Keeping it to yourself gives you the most control over the situation.

    I’ve heard stories of people who genuinely try to be good, fair individuals—people who contribute positively to society and the communities around them. But when they’ve disclosed being on the NPD/BPD/ASPD spectrum (or something similar), they’ve often been met with skepticism or outright mistrust. Some get accused of being liars, manipulators, or "puppet masters" with sadistic intentions, as though their diagnosis defines their every action.

    I can only imagine how difficult that must be. You put so much effort into overcoming harmful behavioral patterns, making decisions that prioritize fairness and the well-being of everyone involved—not just yourself. And yet, even the people closest to you might turn around and act like they fully understand your diagnosis after skimming a few pop-psychology articles or watching a couple of sensationalized YouTube videos titled something like, “The Dangers of People with BPD/NPD/ASPD.” It’s infuriating when they then start framing you as selfish, dishonest, or manipulative—especially when, in reality, you’ve been actively keeping the balance in their favor simply because it felt like the right thing to do and you believed they deserved that kindness.

    That kind of response can really hurt.

    Just look at the other replies here—neurotypicals just aren’t ready for this kind of conversation.

    • I've experienced this myself. No irl but on this Lemmy. I made a thread a few weeks ago asking "Why is NPD so stigmatized?". I wanted to why cluster B personality disorders were treated so differently to other things like depression or autism and the responsive were what you just described here.

  • I think unfortunately you do need to have a lot of pre-emptory remarks prepared. The key things to cover are to establish your self-awareness and then discuss some of the triggers of your difficult behaviors and how you want others to feel empowered to address them.

    This isn't one-to-one with a cluster b disorder, but I struggle a lot with compulsively making mean comments. With new friends, I have a short speech explaining it, how I share my true thoughts, and encouraging them to directly speak to me if they feel upset or offended. Sadly, it doesn't work all the time and more people bounce off sooner, but the people who do stay around it has been possible to build more secure and healthy friendships with.

    It might be helpful to find a similar process for yourself.

  • Many people claim to have NPD nowadays, as a person who grew up in NPD household i say these people who claim to be NPD haven't met REAL NPD persons yet, since NPD persons is akin to cold blooded psychopath that wants to control EVERYTHING and have EVERYONE sympathy on their side, even getting out of NPD household is insurmountable task for most people, so what I'm trying to say, these people who claim to be BPD or/and NPD are don't know what REAL NPD/BPD persons is behind the closed doors

    • Nope, more like everyone cleams to have known with NPD just because they didn't like them and only understand NPD as the 'bad man I don't like disorder'

  • You probably don't actually have NPD (although there's a small chance you do). The majority of diagnoses of personality disorders and mental health disorders are not realistic, but just labels given by a deeply disturbed medical system that looks at the tremendous pain caused by bad social and economic conditions and blames the person as being "ill" instead of identifying problems in their environment. The world we live in is rampant with narcissism -- if you happen to personally reflect that sometimes, that makes you more normal than abnormal.

    I'm guessing your actual problem is that you're stressed, for reasons such as: an unhealthy upbringing, a shitty job, poor educational resources, lack of money, low-quality healthcare, lack of supportive relationships, uncomfortable living arrangements, etc. -- take your pick and think about what's relevant to you. It is a crazy fucking world we live in, and just in order to get by, people often adopt narcissistic and selfish ways of thinking and acting even if that is not how they feel in their heart of hearts.

    I don't know what age you are either (and I'm not asking you to tell me), but the younger you are, the more likely you are to get caught up in misleading notions that you're crazy because people are giving you shit information. Just work on being healthy and improving your life and treating others with respect. You do not need a label, nor do you need to worry about what people will think of you because of said label. Fuck labels. You're a human being. Doctors may be able to give useful information about illnesses with evident physical markers such as diabetes or multiple sclerosis, but in most cases, they have no business talking about what's in your head.

  • If someone seemed to have insight into the disorder it's one thing. The trouble is a lot of cluster B in general don't. My mother has BPD and has a violent lack of insight into her problems, and some of my patients too. They are vicious miserable manipulative people who only exist to seek negative attention from others. But people who do have insight seem to do ok.

  • I'd be really curious about what is really means and how you manage or cope with it. If I knew you for a while it would be just another thing to file away about your personality. It probably is something you would share with people you are close to, but you may need to educate them on what it means.

    • "I’d be really curious about what is really means and how you manage or cope with it."

      It's hard to live with. It's difficult to relate to others, your obsessed with your yourself and being noticed. It's like being you're every very own tiger parent.

      It's all about how you see things. I make an effort to amplify for others and to understand that it's ok not to be perfect among other of things.

  • Hope he's not a serial killer

  • I would tell them that they are perfect and amazing no matter what and that anyone who says otherwise is just jealous because they're haters and losers.

  • I've been in this scenario twice.

    First time is a close friend of mine. Specifically he said he had BPD, a variation of NPD (traditional psychological wisdom says if he was assigned male at birth, it would be classic NPD). It was one of those things he slowly "revealed" to me, perhaps to see how I would react, I don't know. I would not judge him for something like that, I'm not one of those people who thinks of others in terms of what they "are" but rather what they "do" (I would rather adapt to things others dismiss as I believe in nuance, is it not the most human of experiences). He has a lot of baggage stemming from that, from his parents who are on-and-off abusive (NPD heritage maybe), from the DID that came from it, from transphobia, and from their whole family growing up outside the local theocratic status quo. I don't care that he expresses all that in an extreme way where others ridicule or question his state of mind, who am I or anyone else if we only address interpersonal matters on a surface level? If Eridan is observing me talk about him in this way, I hope he knows he is loved and always has a place with me.

    The other time this happened, it happened with a friend of mine who I know from my idol (an author I like, who also put me in her social circle, which is awesome). This friend is the Benson to my idol's Pops and is closer with her than he is with me, though he has taken an interest with me because I'm the only perpetually active non-trans female in the group (yes, the idol herself is trans too, male to female this time, the implication of me having a transdar has made me question if I'm trans before hence certain references) and he is lonely. We know we can talk to each other about anything, and that's how I found out he has NPD. He came to me one day and just said "hey I went to the doctor to get tested, turns out I have NPD". Despite his high standards, some of the conclusions he comes to when life gets him down, and the fact he and the other friend I mention absolutely hate each other (go figure), if being there for him exudes a welcome difference I can make in their world, he and his issues have my dedication. I see my friends as people with souls that are silently and critically wary of how things play out on the surface in ways they can only hope to fully connect themselves with.

  • If somebody you knew like a family member, partner or friend told you they had NPD would you still talk to them?

    I'd tell then they should run for President of the US, they have qualities and traits a majorty of people admire..

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