Working remotely

"Grandpa, did you fight in WW3?"
\ "No, they wouldn't let me enlist because I masturbated way too much. Like an immediately disqualifying amount."
- Grandpa, do you mind? It's hard to talk to you when you do that in front of me.
  
  You kids today are soft, back in my day there was this big war & I could only use one hand because I needed the other to fight people that wanted to evacuate me.
  Or that one time I had to hide in the attic & do it very quietly.
  Or that time I had to do it with a super bright light in my face because there was something called "an interrogation" at the camp.
- Private Cowboy: Tough break for Hand Job. He was all set to get shipped out on a medical.
  Private Joker: What was the matter with him?
  Private Cowboy: He was jerkin' off ten times a day.
  Private Eightball: No sh*t. At least ten times a day.
  Private Cowboy: Last week he was sent down to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker, and the crazy f***er starts jerking off in the waiting room. Instant Section Eight. He was just waiting for his papers to clear division

How exactly does masturbating prevent you from military service?
- It makes you go blind.
  
  And your hands get all hairy
  
  It makes your hand pregnant
  
  Oh, and your rifle gets all slippery!
  
  Can I do it till I need glasses? lol
- This is just a poor translation. It's a colloquialism to say you're jacking off when you're lazy and doing nothing. In fact, it's the same colloquialism in English. We literally say the exactly same thing when we call someone useless. What's really interesting in my opinion is you already know this. Yet because it's from a translation and you know that, your brain didn't think about the colloquialisms. It's kind of crazy how our brains work.
  
  I'm aware of the colloquialism but I also thought that this is something Chinese party officials might plausibly say. You know, something something Western decadence.
  
  That's boring tho lets go with the masturbation jokes
  
  Leave a man idle enough time and he'll end up masturbating that's where the relationship goes to the colloquialism for everyone. I cna tell you in Spanish we use the same colloquialism.
- When the mortar tube is clogged with cum...
  
  And that's how you learned the company Fleshlight has a hole in the back.
- Post-nut clarity makes you realize what a bad idea joining the military would be.
  
  After a good fap I realised that this is the most plausible explanation.
- When they won’t get their dicks out of their hands in formation, it’s very distracting for others.
  
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjGIfWLqC3Y
- They are too exhausted from masturbating to pass the fitness test.
- Something something male essence
  
  I don't avoid women Mandrake, but I do deny them my essence

WW3 is gonna be a 5v5 on de_dust2
- Heeeeey. There might be a role for me after all.
  I want it in Source at 800x600 on my end. CRT please.
  
  I know we just met but I feel very confident leaving the fate of the free world in your hands. Just cool it with the warcrimes okay, all that teabagging is going land you in the Hague.
- It's Denmark's war to lose then
  
  The Astralis esports team basically turns into Delta Force in this scenario.
- I'd be willing to watch that live and in client.
- TF2 and they all pootis,, POW!! Each other till everyone's dead
- Nah, on de_Vertigo.
  
  de_rats

Plot twist, I binge ate to become fat to avoid conscription.
Weird thing is, South Korean military recruitors are looking for me for some reason, maybe I'm still not fat enough?
- I'm a disabled veteran and still get calls from recruiters. They are basically salesmen doing cold calls
  
  Yeah I spent a decent chunk of my 20s attempting to explain to them that I’m deaf
  
  I feel bad for recruiters. Someone has to do it but they get shit from everyone.
- These light-novel titles get weirder every year.
  
  Robinson Crusoe is considered the first English language novel.
  Its title when it was first published was:
  The Life and Strange Surprizing Adventures of Robinson Crusoe, of York, Mariner: Who lived Eight and Twenty Years, all alone in an un-inhabited Island on the Coast of America, near the Mouth of the Great River of Oroonoque; Having been cast on Shore by Shipwreck, wherein all the Men perished but himself. With An Account how he was at last as strangely deliver'd by Pyrates. Written by Himself.
  So, you see, we are simply returning to traditional forms.
- You just have to get fat enough that they can see how fat you are, on the news.
  
  Landscape mode?
- Yeah, there's a legal requirement for Korean citizens to serve in the military. My SO is Korean, and that's why my kids aren't Korean citizens...
  Good luck! Eat some more fast food.

not gonna lie it would be awesome if wars were actually conducted by gaming
- The rampant cheating would make for some... Interesting streams.
  
  Imagine the Chinese taking the Alamo with noclipping special forces wiping out 20,000 men as they sit in a digital forest around a thousand bright but cold campfires talking about Christian values, the merits of racism, and which anime girl is best.
- You say this while there is currently a bitter war being fought with drones controlled with X-box controllers with VR goggles. The next wars will be conducted via gaming.
  (I mean, besides all the civilians who might get between our murderbots.)
- https://www.gutenberg.org/files/74098/74098-h/74098-h.htm
  War No. 81-Q by Cordwainer Smith. Written in 1928.
  
  Thanks. I thought I'd read everything Cordwainer Smith had written, but had never seen that before.

Good. None of your wars is worth dying in
Fuck capitalism.
- Rules 5 and 6
  I don't care about how much you dislike capitalism, that doesn't belong in here. Also this is NCD, we love war! Get your shit right or get lost.

If you die in the game, you die in real life
- The body cannot live without the mind
- I swear there's twenty manwha with the same concept
  
  So hot right now
- There was a star trek episode like that.
  
  Simpsons did it!

Wait I have to stop touching myself in order to successed in the fitness test?
- Absolutely not, just only do it while at the gym.
- How does that guy do pullups without using his hands?
- Yeah pass.

Just put them on a 2000 calory deficit diet during basic training, and double its duration.
That'll get rid of 80 pounds of excess fat, plus they won't have the strength to masturbate.
Sure, half of them will become casualties before they see action, but they can still pilot drones, do the funny or make coffee, while you can feed the other half into the front line grinder.
- Do the funny?
  
  Do the funny.
- 2 kcal is not very much.
  
  Deficit diet means burn 2000 calories off a person per day, oui?
  
  not 2 kcal per day, a 2 kcal deficit per day.
- but they can still pilot drones,
  But sir, do we even have drones to be piloted?

We did it! Capitalism saved the planet from WWIII!
Now we just tidy up a bit...
- Sitting up? Check out these gym rats...
- What on earth is going on with that helicopter?
  
  It made the mistake of being AI generated.
  
  Mad lad hanging from the rotor blades
  
  Hot new AI design. Dangle a person and have three rotors.
- She put the burger on the gd floor like damn bich you know we got plates right?
  
  Just on the floor and as big as an air fryer, this is straight out of cloudy with a chance of meatballs
  
  They come wrapped in the plate ffs.
  
  Burger's big enough there might actually be a plate under there somewhere.
  
  It’s bothering me thinking of how you would eat that. Maybe you cut it like a wedding cake and serve slices.
- Selfish bastard didn't get milady any milk

TIL wanking habits fit into recruitment parameters.

I did my part by being born with a sensory disability. Mind you I’m also too mentally ill to enlist…
- I WILL get myself addicted if a draft gets instated. My family has a predisposition towards addiction, and my life would be ruined either way.
  
  I don't know the statistics but survival chances for addicts might be actually better than for soldiers in active combat

"The enemy cannot push a button, if you disable his hand!"
Sergeant Zim
- If they make a bigger button and then the enemy can push a button with their wrist nubbin.

You know that movie with Bruce Willis named Surrogates? https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surrogates The Scene where they visit the Military.
This is how WW3 will happen, i figure. Warfare from the comfort of your home, ready to jump into o a new robot Body once downed. War being nothing more than a Battle of attrition and technical Ressources.
- As Randall Munroe observes, the first billionaire to create an AI-controlled swarm of killer robots will try to take over the world. So it may be Robot Wars on a grand scale.
- Hmmm, piloting a robot body against other robot bodies in war actually sounds kinda cool. Live-fire paintball without the risk of actual injury
  
  The robots probably wouldn't stop with the other robots. For example, if Israel had remote piloted robot warriors do you think they would only attack and kill other robots? They would just send them into Palestine, slaughter the "hostiles" and wouldn't bat an eye.

https://www.ft.com/content/442de9aa-e7a0-11e8-8a85-04b8afea6ea3
Robot-soldiers, stealth jets and drone armies: the future of war
- Yeah the AI companies are chomping at the bit to let their killer robots loose on us. Wish I were exaggerating but I'm not.
  
  ChatGPT, destroy my enemies
  I'm going to become a God

Based on all the Arma footage already in the news I thought this was always the plan...

Wars are won and lost on a nations ability to not get physics yeeted into the air

Why. The fuck. Would anyone, Millennial or younger join the US military these days? To fight for oil overseas, while the world is burning? To be the arm of our corrupt politicians? To defend all the houses we will never afford? To protect a populace that yearns for fascism?
- The prospects of room, board, health insurance, and a pension are more than enough to entice someone with no better options.
  
  They take it just to sell it back to you.
  
  lmao, who believes you’ll get any of that and not the post nam treatment
  I’ve met so many disabled vets suffering and the va/benefits keep getting worse
- The nearly free housing, healthcare, and potential for a pension are all decent incentives. Basically everything people want for normal us citizens are provided to the military.
  Barring, of course, active duty members who have to deal with deployment and location assignments.
  
  There's also the chance to kill people, so there's that.
- Free college. Depending on where you live; better parking(purple heart), no property tax, unlimited handshakes, and the ability to stare into the middle distance and white-knuckle any moment you are left with your thoughts.
  
  Better parking you say? 🤔
- If you live in Europe: to protect your freedom. (may apply to other regions as well)
  
  Good news, in the US, you don't have to join the military to get a gun.
  
  Based!
  
  Sorry, I meant in the US. (Freedom offer no longer applicable, must be 18 years or older)
- You know most enlisted aren't in combat roles right? My brother did ten years behind a desk, ended up with an awesome career and got to travel the world for free.
  
  Huh? I didn't mention a single thing about combat roles or personal danger. If you join the military, you're supporting their agenda...
- Tax free liquor and tobacco? 3 meals a day? It was a good enough reason for granpappy to leave the still down in the holler.
- It's too credible so I'll whisper it (poverty)
- Shootin guns and driving around in big trucks with the boys sounds mad as.