hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

Hestia (11/25 - 12/1)
SwitchyWitchyandBitchy (12/2 - 12/8)
HelltakerHomosexual* (12/9 - 12/15)
GayTuckerCarlson* (12/16 - 12/22)
AshenWolf*  (12/23 - 12/29)
Eco* (12/30 - 1/5)
oscardejarjayes* (1/6 (The Darkest Day in Our Democracy.) - 1/12)

EstraDoll (3/2 - 3/8)

* after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

I found a 114 year old case for t4t in a translated copy of Die Transvestiten, translated by Michael Lombardi-Nash. From a so-called 'John O.' from San Francisco, labeled Case 13, who describes herself as "...physically a man, mentally a woman",

Technically misgendering, though it is the language of the time

"If ever there is a total freedom of dress, then the effeminate people will connect with female society, just as the man-women will befriend the so-called stronger sex. When there is no longer a dress code, the woman-man will grow into the feminine and be attracted by the man-woman, because by nature both feel right for each other, he as a woman and she as a man, and they will live as happily together as any normal married couple of today.
[...]
"But if two get married, one of whom is a woman-man and one a man-woman, then he is the feminine and she is the masculine part, and they will be happy; for, no matter what the sex is, emotionally they still are, indeed, opposite sexes, just as nature made them."

Same person also makes a case for letting trans kids self identify and transition (socially, as medical transition was yet to come),

Descriptions of transphobia, and technically misgendering

"I am convinced that when a boy becomes 8 or 10 years of age and shows preference for girls' clothing, girls' work, and girls' games, then the mother, for the benefit of the child, should let him have free choice. The boy is, then, namely, only sexually a male, but mentally a female, and when such children are raise according to their feelings, then they are so much happier than when people punish them, mock them, or even abuse them to produce boyishness.
"But, if he is raised as a girl, then he will lose all doubt and wil become more stable in his girlishness, so that he then never will ever want to become a man; if he is forced to behave as a boy, then he will feel destroyed and will yearn for the time when he can make a living as a maid or something like that.
[...]
"I will agree that up to the fifth year, perhaps, many children can still be raised in their sex, but then mostly not, and if the girlish characteristics appear much stronger than the boyish ones, then it is much better for the child to be raise according to its mental sex."

Again, this was published 114 years ago, in 1910. hirschfeld

applied for a cleaning job at my local council's office and the form asked for me to fill out my entire employment history, give a personal statement and two references lmfao

fuck off it's a fucking cleaning job who's gonna bother with this form for a 15 hour a week job

diagnosed with the world's biggest sad and lonely right now agony-deep

Finally sharing about that hitler-detector experience I had at work yesterday,

CW: Nuclear transphobia, dysphoria (dysphoria isn't the main focus, but this situation has made dysphoria manifest)

So I got asked to stop using the women's restroom at work yesterday. This is already transphobic, but with where I live I was expecting this honestly. I'm also not very far in my transition so wearing typical work clothes just makes me look like a dude with long hair. Really getting depressed by those twink death memes I've seen rn because I was so much cuter when I came out.

Anyways, the point where it goes from uncomfortable but bearable to pissing me off to the absolute extreme is when the manager said "We have minors that work here so we have certain liabilities". I straight up responded saying "You just implied that I'm a threat around minors and I don't appreciate that". Instantly backpedaled and gave all the normal lib platitudes. I'm still fucking pissed, because why else mention the minors in that conversation? Unless you think I'm unsafe around minors, you wouldn't mention minors. I don't even work with the minors of the restaurant, they're all in school while I work the mornings on mostly weekdays.

I also know that certain staff don't like me now based off this, because it was some staff complaining. I'm gonna start being the person I want to be at work, and I'll just fucking deal with it. I'm going to lose my shit at these people next time they're blocking my station doing jack shit because I know it was them. They won't even look at me. I was super nice this whole time, but I'm done being nice to people that secretly hate me all while depending on my labor.

Just took me first hormone dose

wake up

drive 2 hours round trip to build an axe with another trans woman

drive home feeling dysphoric as all fuck

get home with a bottle of liquor

landlord pulls you aside with a fucking eviction notice out of the blue and a flimsy pretext for it

hop on the voice chat with the gamers

you can hear your voice played back to you over someone else's mic, it's noticably improved despite not training, it feels really reaffirming

get piss drunk, then angry about your alcoholism, then get possessed by the spirit of a 19th century abolitionist and go off on a drunken screed against the evils of alcohol

black out, wake up the next morning

day in the life of a hot girl doing hot girl shit

cw: slurs in silly gaming moments

transphobes don't get to call me a tr*nny if they can't even clutch the game winning round shrug-outta-hecks

Turkey just banned the sale of most estrogens and blockers without prescription the-pigs

Can anyone lend me their credit card number, name, exp date and CVV? There's a neat trick I wanna try catgirl-happy

okay, i have decided to say something:

bragging about feelings i guess

i have been so happy these past few weeks. i'm back in letter writing mode and it's because of one very special person. it is genuinely so fulfilling to have something like a mind-meld with someone who sees me so clearly and respects me so deeply. i didn't expect this at all and i feel so so lucky to have it. lol i'm pretty sure fae is going to read this at some point actually... it makes me happy to imagine that. 💜🌹

I'm a dog girl woof woof

I know only dweebs and losers use Goodreads now, but I was bitching to my better half about how Goodreads doesn't have seperate gender and pronoun settings.

So I went and checked myself, and sure enough Goodreads now has this. Its gender settings are "male", catgirl-disgust "female" catgirl-salute and "Custom".

I now have a custom gender catgirl-peace I didn't set any cool pronouns but I did enter my gender as something rude with "dyke" in it, which rules.

CW: Liberal cowardice, reddit.

Looks like the main trans reddit-logo is locking or removing any criticism of Sarah McBride. Fuckers.

My wife and me a year ago:

kinda sad

Just had to cry for a while about the realisation that I’ve been living a lie trying to be a girl/woman and how exhausting and just sad that is. And also how sad it is that there’s a non trivial amount of people that would want me to continue living this lie.

unrestrained bragging

sometimes when I'm feeling like someone matters to me I copy down the nice things they say into a document so if I'm ever worrying about whether they suddenly hate me or not I can reference that document to remind myself

this is turning into a bit of a problem because one of them is getting really long... or maybe this is actually not a problem and is in fact the best thing ever? no, no, it's the best thing ever

Just thinking about the time I was first making my lemmygrad account and they asked me what my thoughts were on trans people or something, and probably what they were wanting is some 1-2 sentence "yeah trans people are cool and based" but I couldn't stop myself from hitting them with a several paragraph long rant about how in my ideal world gender wouldn't exist because it's kind of a prison, and that trans people are not only hella awesome, but understanding their lived experiences and perspectives on gender is something everyone should strive for.

Who could have known I would eventually be sitting here with a cute lil [she/her] sitting next to my username?

there's a distressing amount of people under Rage Against Machine songs on Youtube going "Well time to play this song again for the next four years."

like....just fuck off from life please

transphobia

News media in my country since trump won has been so bad. Apparently he won because it's so difficult to be a "normal" guy nowadays and no one listens to them (lmao) and everyone is tired of woke. So many libs having a mask off moment where they're going actually everyone dislikes trans people and if we continue to pretend to be nice to you it'll cost us the election.

This isn't really reflected in the attitudes of people I meet, which makes me think it's mostly a media thing appealing to old, middle-class boomers, but it still makes me want to go into perma stealth.

time really is moving a lot slower now that I'm actually enjoying life. I was talking with some friends about I Saw The TV Glow and just remembered that it was released this year and not last year even though it feels like it might as well have came out two years ago from all I remember

God, at the start of this year I really did think that I was a cis guy, didn't I?

fuck, how time changes...

Instead of dreaming about hexbear the website, I now dream about specific people on bearsite. You're not allowed to know who, though.

HRT consult is this afternoon!

I remember when we used to beat the news megathread.

News would only win if there was some major event.

But now...? We're washed up. Trans is cooked. We're basically cis at this point.

i'm so fucking tired of being single but i have no idea how to manage the dreaded dating apps as a trans girl. anyone got any good apps/online dating tips for a bi trans girl unsure about what gender she feels like dating more?

oops spilled the gay juice you're all gay now

trans regime when?

Had my first gender appointment (hrt requires a LOT of gender appointments in my gatekeeper central of a country) and it made me realise: I am SO trans and SO gay. I was scared that I had to lie to be more convincing to get the juice faster but I didn’t even have to lie because, I repeat, I am SO trans and SO gay

Someone else's 150 word response gets my 800 word reply? Yep, this is ethics class catgirl-happy

I started building a gunpla!!

Then i fumbled an ankle piece and it vanished into the ether and i tore the place up looking for it but didnt find it

I am no longer building a gunpla catgirl-cry

still alive

I drank the first monster of my life today. Where do I pick up my trans license?

My gf is so warm aubrey-happy

My gf is so warm aubrey-pain

I intentionally skipped out so I’m only finding out now but they had a Harry Potter themed event at work yesterday cringe

My hair was wavy and kinda straight when it was long, but now I've cut it into a medium length shag cut and it's unkempt and messy in such a perfect way. It's honestly fantastic, I love the way it looks

Wow, I had to just deal with some wildly transphobic shit at work and even worse it made me miss my public transit ride. I am so fucking done with today

I was curious about the major themes I yap about in my sessions and was shocked to find "longing for a connection" be one of em. The other ones made sense to me. But longing for a connection... I thought I was coming across as independent and aloof and maybe more avoidant, this feels so weird. I talked to my mom about it, she said "no that makes sense." Talk to my friends about it, "no it tracks." Well what the hell?!? Here I am trying to push this down and not even aware of it, thinking I'm building up this protective armor but meanwhile I'm coming across as some squishy wounded person with the emotional equivalent of an open sore???

cw: dysphoria

Seeing new therapist recently, he is quite cis, maybe slightly brainwormed but wtf............ he's actually quite good...... got me to come out and admit I'm just boymoding wtf (even saying that rn feels so fucking fake and wrong for some reason but then why did it feel so good to just say it ;w;). I couldn't tell him my non-deadname when he asked, maybe next time

I have never cried or felt like I could be actually be vulnerable or perfectly honest before when I was seeing therapists :(

Somehow it's normal for me, so normal I don't even notice it a lot of the time, that I have an immense amount of shame and guilt and self-hatred for just existing ;w;

The only thing I hate more than myself is this sick, disgusting society for making me be so broken inside (I would also like to thank my dad for the part he played as well even if he's also broken inside, very well done, very nice, keep it up)

Can people come back from this or is it joever for me? Genuinely asking cuz I can't imagine ever not being destroyed by self-hatred and shame and just living openly as whatever the fuck I am cuz idk where these feelings even came from

DEATH TO AMERICA, UNLIMITED, INFINITELY VARIED DESTRUCTION ON THE BURGERREICH FOR CAUSING THE UNENDING SUFFERING OF BILLIONS OF PEOPLE

People are decrying the loss of nightclubs and bars. They're blaming it on $18 cocktails and $12 beers and young people not having the money for that - and that's right. But also the club and the bar always sucked? You were just in your early 20s and dealt with how bad it sucked because you were horny, plus think of how many of people going out also had to roll on molly or bring coke never mind the drinking (i guess we won the war on drugs too). No one would reinvent a nightclub if it was forgotten tech

Today I will stay up and fix my sleep schedule

Been waiting all day for a fitgirl repack to finish downloading, and it won’t install kitty-cri

Did you know that trans people are 500% cooler than cis people?

NOW YOU KNOW

Job searching as someone who is about to graduate is one of the most depressing things on the planet. I have done like 200 applications over the last half year and the only responses I've gotten are from super predatory companies. Losing my mind

CW: Family, transphobia

Well, my (transphobe) sister got in a car accident today. She's okay. It was a low velocity collision and she was rear-ended. She was able to get home okay. I took her out for dinner after she was done talking to insurance.

It sucks, because she complemented my skin/face, and even offered to do a "curly girl" hairstyle for me. I'm not out to anyone in the family, and it kinda hurts as I think she would 180 on all that if I came out.

Since she's a bit rattled, she's going to be staying in town for Thanksgiving. I was also staying in town due to work. I wanted to be nice, so I offered to do Thanksgiving with her. At least we're doing it at her place this year, so I don't have to stash anything.

Today has been a busy day, and I feel like I've made good progress with several important things. Had my first appointment with a speech therapist experienced in helping trans people, and now I'm back to voice training emilie->=3 Trying a different tactic, hopefully I'll actually be able to stick to it this time catgirl-sorry

I never found any joy in my identity before I realized I'm agender. Now I know and being agender is something very cool and it makes me smile

hexbear-agender stalin-approval

me when there are strange men in my home (i hired them to be there) shatter

HRT is amazing! I used to never wear anything short sleeved or thin because I was too dysphoric! Now I never wear anything short sleeved or thin because estrogen makes everything too fucking cold

i was talking with my voice therapist today and he was talking about one client he had who, on the day she finally realized she was a trans girl, scheduled an HRT appointment, laser hair removal appointment, AND a professional voice therapist.

I know nothing else about this girl but I absolutely love her and she's fucking great

the 3DS was so good

getting ads for PREP and then getting sad because i have no romantic or sexual partners ever cri

painted nails, picked partner up from the airport, both got our brows done, 6th laser session done ( brandon ). feeling like a bad bitch ngl

never attribute to peepee that which can be adequately explained by poopoo

Been a bit lonely since I left my husband a while ago. It unfortunately had to happen. Hoping to find someone someday to fill that hole. Literally and figuratively.

sicko-yes the one voice therapist in my area that takes my insurance got back to me

sicko-speeeeen they can get me in for a first appointment tomorrow

Arrrrrrgh i am so painfully socially awkward

I dont really do well in unfamiliar social situations where i dont know other ppl

Jus sit there with my phone n fidget spinner k-pain

crushposting, sad? Idk

Talked to new crush yesterday, learned new crush's name (I know, I know, we'd only ran into each other three(?) times making small talk before)

Realistically given the circumstances I don't see how this goes anywhere and I feel fuckin' stupid and embarrassed to have developed as strong of an infatuation with someone new this quickly and I feel juvenile and foolish for it and idk why but I'm kinda being a bitch to myself mentally about it and it's bumming me out

I'm doing the loser thing of "cute person is nice to me a couple times! (Imagines life together)" and that's pathetic and weird and just makes me feel hypothetically bad for the person to figure out my sad bullshit unrequited feelings for them

I wracked my brain trying to think of what it was that's making me feel so weirdly strong towards them, and realized it's a combination of "they remind me of my first love" and "we met and see each other somewhere that's a refuge from the stressful bullshit everywhere else in my life"

Even if I know I haven't acted weird or done anything outside of just being friendly and socially acceptable when we've spoken, I'm like mortified that crush is on to me and it'd be weird

I feel embarrassed of who I am and where I am in life, and even if we might be compatible, it feels unfair to crush to have a weirdo loser like me be infatuated with them

Idk sorry

Just felt bad about it yesterday and ruminating on it just made me feel viscerally lonely and angry at myself for being in a shitty state in life

In another timeline this could be really sweet and cute and I feel like I could be a really loving and supportive partner but I just feel gross and ashamed for even abstractly bothering someone kind and gorgeous by developing feelings for them

Why am I like this aaaaaa

aubrey-pain

shadow the hedgehog and sonic the hedgehog gay and kissing

Made a libsky account and I guess all the twitter chuds are moving there too, and a lot of them are like “I’m just here to debate! Don’t you want engagement with dissenting opinions? It’s what prevents echo chambers after all 🤓☝️” we really are back in 2016 lol

log into pharmacy web portal

about to schedule a vaccination

computer asks for my sex assigned at birth

ask it whether it really needs that or if it's social hegemony of meanings

it doesn't understand

explain the difference between real mechanisms and false associations

it pulls up a pop-up and says it's relevant

read the pop-up

it's societal hegemony of meanings imposing false associations even when mechanism is well known

picard

Can we talk about The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog? How it, as far as I can tell, just fucking appeared one day as a silly little free game? How it was a several hour VN with decent art and writing? And especially how my partner and I fucking loved it to bits? Look at this guy: tails-pout

I don't even remember what happened in it but it was like unironically good. Thanks for reading.

Well, got home. For some reason, I thought that starting HRT would be a bit tougher. Like almost everyone, there's still a nugget of self doubt, that what I'm feeling isn't dysphoria but something else. Funnily enough, had a big trans-affirming moment earlier this week. Was looking for socks in the Men's section in Target, and was struck by this utter malaise and despair. Could literally be nothing other than dysphoria. I don't want to have to feel like that anymore.

Anyways, got home, opened the door, unpacked my backpack, fed the cats. Took out the prescription, took out my pills. I thought that it would be appropo to hold them for a second, to meditate on the ramifications. But then I went fuck that. I popped those suckers down in a second. The world might end tomorrow, or the next day or the next, but if I'm going to die then I am going to die as a woman. And if not, then I am going to live as one.

Done with most of my legal name change now. It'll still be at least a month until all my documents are in order because the driver's license will take a while until it gets printed, but i've at least applied for everything that comes with some kind of ID card and my information has been updated in all government files. Will probably be able to exchange my temporary ID to the permanent one early next week, and a bunch of stuff came in the mail today. It's weird being in this liminal space where i still have to keep a copy of my name change certificate in my car in case i get pulled over, especially given that the old license has a pic of 20 year old me with a bushy denial beard, but i constantly keep running into situations where i notice i would've been called up as Mr. or gotten mail under my deadname and instead i see my full, real name on the envelope or people at some office or on the phone immediately gender me correctly.

Just remembering when I first found this site and set my pronouns the way they are for """"opsec reasons"""" lmao

I have since...... transed my gender? Woke dogs (profile pic is...... related somehow but not the obvious way) don't have genders, except when they do ofc. [Laws of non-contradiction and the excluded middle] fans SEETHING

Down with cis sicko-hexbear-woke

okay, I know I stalled for like a month, but I've asked her out catgirl-heart

Hey y'all what's the consensus about progesterone?

I reached out to my endo last night about starting prog and he got back to me today with a link to the 2022 wpath guideline update regarding progesterone where they state that the benefits are negligible and also introduces an increased thromboembolism risk.

He also said that it's "closer to testosterone than estrogen" which I think is oversimplifying things from what I've come across on my own but w/e he's the doctor ig.

I told him that, regardless, I do wanna move forward with trialing micronized progesterone. What do y'all think?

free tomboymoder

☭

Gonna go online and complain about woke (being woke up early on a saturday)

exceedingly horny post

waking up at 4 am exceedingly thirsty for men and having that completely consume all my thoughts for the next 2 hours as I fantasize heavily about getting a BF as I feel the flag-lesbian-pride on my wall glaring down at me in shame

this has been a recurring thing for the last several weeks and I'm starting to think that the HRT is actually fucking with my sexuality here

I finally ordered some trans socks and bralettes! I'm a v excited girl. Thinking above getting a skirt for a cute schoolgirl type outfit but idk. I've been feeling much more fem latelyz especially when looking in the mirror. It's nice to feel good.

Watching a video where 19 year olds are discussing how much of dumb kids they were at 16 like it was ages ago is making me feel ancient

I remember seeing pictures of shadow in magazines before Sonic Adventure 2 came out. I was super excited. I loved his design, and I was an edgelord, and I thought his rocket skates were so cool.

Then I played the game and was like, "oh this guy is pretty cringe" but I pretended to like him because my brother is a huge sonic fan, and so I had to say shadow was better.

Anyway, now I like Amy amy-bruh

sexuality, anxiety, HRT

Seeing a lot of people here saying that they weren't attracted to men before HRT, but now they are (some exclusively), and it really freaks me out.

If E made me not attracted to my wife anymore, I couldn't handle it--literally panicking just thinking about it. It makes me not even want to try it, tbh.

One of the only reasons I decided to try HRT was because @kristina@hexbear.net once said that sexual preference shifts are statistically unlikely.

dysphoria

shortening this to say I have a profound and all encompassing hatred of having a vagina. every day is another layer of sanity peeled back. I'm so worn out

I should have started working years ago. Could have saved up quite a bit of money by now. Instead I spent the past 3 years studying, and all I have to show for it is a ton of student debt and knowledge about web development that I will never get any use out of because I have zero interest in that stuff. I have a job now, but the pay isn't very high so it's gonna take me a very long time to save up for all the surgeries I want madeline-sadeline

Yes, I woke up at a stupid hour because the microchips are making me feel weird. Usually getting vaccinated is like a kinda shitty experience where i have to take a day and a half off of work and just lay in bed whining but this time I kinda spent the day with someone instead and it was really nice, and my anxiety fell asleep so I could talk more freely. So ... Thank you, vaccine brain?

spoiler

its possible I am one of the luckiest people alive

anyone else wanna mod very-smart

weird thing to harp on about but I really want to see more fictional depictions of trans people that show them not really passing. Like, I kind of want to see a video game featuring a trans woman with kind of a clockable face and not well trained voice (And, I shouldn't have to state: isn't treated as a punchline or abnormal for it). Give me more blunt, realistic depictions of trans people, dammit

My mask broke and I don't have another one on me.

This is horrible for a lot of reasons, including the fact that I'm sick ralsei-splat

hair's finally growing decently long. i can fit it about an inch of it in my mouth now, and I'm a little conflicted because on the one hand, long ass hair is something I've always wanted to try and grow and will likely get me gendered correctly more, on the other hand, damn, i look really fucking cute in short hair...

CW: indirect dysphoria

Tis weird experiencing dysphoria because of other people's voice or body. Like, sometimes when I hear guys talk with a very buzzy voice, I find it icky. Not because I think its a bad voice inherently, but the thought of me sounding like that just bothers me (unfortunately, when I'm congested, its hard not to sound sorta like that). Or like, I saw my brother's leg/chest hair and I felt surprised that I never had such a clear issue with the fact that I used to be hairier than him pretty recently. But since it originally grew in very slowly, I got used to it and became mostly numb to it? Like I still don't shave or trim all that much, but like there's no way I'd be okay with it being like that anymore.

Permanently Deleted

I take back what I said about pants chain. I had picked one up at a thrift shop, and I have the chance to put on full makeup and try stuff out tonight. Honestly, it kinda slaps, although the color of the metal doesn't match some of my other jewelry accessories (it's more of a gunmetal than a silver).

dysphoria

I just want to feel like a girl. I bought a really cute hat and gloves and wore them with a sweater I got a few weeks ago and I felt adorable and I loved it. But it's almost like the more comfortable I get with doing more and more fem things the more impatient I get, and the sadder I get that this is such a long process. And when I take the stuff off I get hit with this "oh shit yeah that's right I have a guy body." I don't want to have a guy body.

The days where I feel so happy to be trans are usually followed by evenings where I wish I was cis. Like a sugar crash but for gender feelings.

In related news I've realized I could never turn my back on being trans. At the beginning of this journey one of the only things giving me the confidence to keep going was the realization that I could always just not be trans if I found it wasn't for me. Fuuuuck that at this point it's clear that if I ever try to be cis again it would destroy me.

Im sad, can't play games with my person tonight

gotta study gotta get going

things are hard

blog, sadposting, crush, dysphoria progress I guess?

Didn't see crush today, kept thinking about them and made myself sad

Took a selfie in the gym changing room? I never take pictures of myself

Not really happy with it but I guess I'm less unhappy with my appearance than I usually am? I liked my outfit and I looked alright I guess? Idk

I feel like I'm making a lot of progress, but in a way that just makes me more acutely aware of the things about myself I hate and can't really do anything to change

I dunno, big bittersweet feels today

Beats being severely depressed but I've been pretty bummed out lately thinking about how elated I'd be to have just a pretty mundane neurotypical cishet person's unremarkable suburban life instead of (gestures at self) this

I wish I was as self aware and determined as I am now like 14 years ago

I've wasted so much of my life just being depressed and have so little to show for it

Now that I'm doing better, it just makes me angry at myself and shitty circumstances I had to deal with for leaving me with such a deep hole to try to climb out of

Idk I'm exhausted and really, really lonely and I feel like I've missed a ton of windows for lives I could have led that would've left me a lot happier with myself than where I am now

Got my prescription from Planned Parenthood! 2 mg E and 50 mg spiro, both oral. Still nervous, but I am excited.

officially two days behind on my injection, thank you anxiety

I finally got my T results and IT'S LOWER THAN LAST TIME AND I WAS OFF OF THE SPIRO AT THAT POINT lets-fucking-go

I'm so glad it wasn't higher, I probably would have panicked and stressed for another 3 months.

I finished my journal. I'm remembering all of the things that have happened these past 6 months, what I've done, what's changed, how long ago some of these things feel. Just 7 months ago, I thought I was for all intents and purposes cis. That's not that long, and yet it feels like it's just a memory, and a distant one at that. I'm going to start another journal, that much is certain, but it'll be strange to start from what will feel like the beginning. It felt strange reaching what felt like the end. It gave me end-of-an-era feelings, even though I've really only just begun.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. It was a missed opportunity not to add this to the end of my essay post earlier this week.

Hey this feminist ethical theorist is taking a pretty marxist view on feminism, I wonder what the rest of the class is going to say about the issues that still face us today!

up-arrow clueless

Is it just me or does starting E and spiro feel like a medium (sub tripping) dose of mushrooms? My head feels funny in the same way where it seems like new connections are being made and I also got nausea that eventually passed. Anyway, 3rd day on the juice possum-party

i'm kinda happy with estrogen effects on breast size so far, i know it can generally take a while but eughhh when will my nipples stop looking so weird??

also (cw sex stuff)

i started cyproterone at 3 months and my libido is gone. completely fucking wiped out. i have to try so hard to convince myself that the effort could be worth it. it's definitely better than the ravenous feelings i had with T but ehhh

got my 6 month catch up in Jan, would that be a good time to ask about prog? i don't want to come off too eager but... well i am

posting while high be like

!! self-consciousness module activated

THANK YOU I've always been thinking "why did the moon just come back? why is nobody acknowledging this?" Now I feel so seen

My psychology textbook didn't CW transphobia, how do I report it to the mods?

Now and forever

Wanted to get ahead of the rumors spreading about me and it's true I am both really hot and have massive rizz. The shy insecure virgin thing was all an act apparently sorry for fooling everyone myself included. niko-yawn fr tho some weird chisme about me being a player at work started

uhhhh this is a long rant into the void, i'm sorry in advance

recontextualising my childhood (cw depression)

i'm now realising that i was very likely depressed when i was 14-15. at the time i remember thinking that i wasn't charismatic/masculine enough for anyone to spend time with. i thought a lot about suicide but never considered it. i watched SO many videos like "How to get people to like you". but i didn't think i was depressed then because i had a group of friends, now i don't think they ever really cared about my wellbeing at all. then, go figure, i would crush so hard on any girl that showed me any lick of compassion or just feel weird that i was trying to hang out with someone of the other gender. it's infuriating how much my friends, family, the internet, all bullied the masculinity into me and that i had no idea what was wrong with me (was yet to figure out there was nothing wrong, just trans and autistic).

well i was at that low point until i started talking to someone and one day she invited me to this charity event that i cross-dressed in. her friends, that i had known but not really connected with before, helped me get ready and they made me feel so fucking pretty omg. i never forgot that, it was the best night i'd had in a really long time (even if my friends laughed at the pictures when they saw them). well, full of anxiety i asked that girl out and she said yes. we dated for 10 months or so and i think the whole time i was living vicariously through her - "while boys can't go to girls hangouts and help do girl things, boyfriends can" kinda mentality. the break up was kinda expected but losing that group of people that actually cared about me was really tough.

there was quite a bit of repression after that but i'll save that for another rant lol

anyways, thank god for hexbear-trans . i'm sad that it took me a while to figure out but i'm glad it happened when it did

spoiler

I'm stuck in between wanting to wear more feminine clothes but experience dysphoria and wear more masculine clothing not having as much dysphoria but wanting to dress more feminine. I honestly don't know what to do abt it isaac-cry

isaac-cry

another hrt question

How long do I have to be on hormones before my wife can get me pregnant? thonk

One of my partners just broke up with their abusive other partner which yippee but also auuuughhghhhggg

My dad just saw my profile picture somewhere else (same character, different artwork) and asked if it was a portrait of me that my sister drew. I was confused at first, because I was wondering if he saw something else, but nope, he thought that the character looked like me.

I mean, looking back at it again, I guess I can see how he came to that conclusion. She kind of looks like me, in some sort of way. I guess I'll take the compliment! Unfortunately, my sister can't, because she wasn't the one who drew it.

Heckbear

E acquired (and also spiro).

Confirmed with the pharmacy tech that it's formulated for standard oral injestion rather than sublingual. Depending on how effective the regimen is, may ask to switch up at the 3 month checkin, but I am just excited to get started.

Hired and fired in a week, can I get some F's in the chat. There goes my employment arc

Psycho Nymph Exile

Click below to be Normal! normal

cw discussions of trauma, incest mentions maybe in a kink context?, idek just look out

Writing out that CW was a brain-bender.

So I finally got back to reading and thinking about gay trans shit, which is rad I really missed it. Talked to someone who has Psycho Nymph Exile by Porpentine Charity Heartscape in her top 10, fucking sick. I figured I'd get back into the swing with that because, Ada Rook, Fallow, I know who Porpentine is. That'll probably be brain-stimulating while not exploding my brain.

I got my brain exploded nia-you-what just a lil...

I was following along acceptably until the plot actually kicks into gear, is it "some kind of weird lesbian incest", Vellus???

They tell people they're sisters, and Vellus is especially pleased when people mistake them for sisters without prompting. If blood relations are seen as superior because they precede intent, creating that bond deliberately feels powerful, like the creation of a shadow lineage.

Ohhhhh... makima-think so this is where all of those really intense presumably-kink-but-maybe-not horny posts on tumblr come from? Okay, yes. I believe so.

I dunno if I would say I'm enjoying Psycho Nymph, but it's a good exercise, I think I'm having fun. I could quote it forever, I like bending my head around the stuff; I'm getting my understanding expanded. But even if I will probably need to reread this immediately, it's also not 100% new and strange to me. I mean, who can't get down w/a footnote that reads 3. Girl smells trapped under hems and seams and elastic bands. right? (No clue why there are so many footnotes) There is T4T in Psycho Nymph which ABSOLUTELY fucking rules. My head is golden and warm and empty.

I'm so fucking jazzed, this is the kind of neural input I need. "Wanna just watch catgirl hypnosis vids and get high?" catgirl-heart Good vibe!!!

🏋️‍♀️

The question should never by "why does shadow ride vehicles when he can move as fast as sonic?" but "who's making child sized vehicles in the first place?" brow ok 06 they are G.U.N. vechiles he's using so maybe they made for him but in shadow the hedgehog (2005) he just finds them on the street. Sonic and Shadow are supposed to be 1 meter or 3'3" give or take

the ultimate mega thread

Is it Spiro or oral estradiol that makes you piss? For whichever one it is, I need to switch off of it because I forget to drink water a lot and am frequently lightheaded

I was born to pilot mecha

Not like a top of the line model like an AC but i would have made the best damn grunt in the verse like an MT pilot

Wiping out me n the grunt squad would make you feel like a fucking ace my panicked radio chatter would be so peak

Who put the moon back together?

They gathered the 7 ~~dragon balls~~ chaos emeralds and wished it back together very-smart

Had my HRT consult and got a prescription. They don't prescribe SERMs at PP so I have to find a more specialized clinic before my tiddies start growing.

peepee stuff

Does anyone have advice for boner pills to prevent atrophy?

Can I say an X where X is a sentence in a language that can be recognized by a parser of the PCRE regular expression ^[^abcdfjklpqruvwxyz]{9} [^a-z0-9][0-9]$?

genuinely been so happy the past few weeks. i think there's a reason why...

Had a dream that started as a nightmare of a creature going around killing people in a space station on some planet, and then the creature got to me and she turned out to be Badeline from Celeste. She was like "oh shit your trans? Good for you," made a connection that felt like a friendship with me, then went back to killing cis people. Pretty cool dream.

My facial piercings are so rad but they give me hella anxiety ab finding a job sometimes

I’m sick where’s my shadow the hedgehog

I don’t like how early it still is on the east coast

Was in a crowd an accidentally ended up in the group photo of the people in front of me. At least in terms of briefly seeing the picture over someone's shoulder on a small screen, I actually was fairly pleased with how I looked.

Reached The Gender Moment in DA Veilguard, it's not a big deal, chuds are incredible snowflakes it's fucking sad.

spoiler

So Taash comes out to their mom as non-binary. Mom doesnt get it and tries to be like "Uhh in qunari culture you could just switch your gender too, that's allowed!" and Taash is like "No, fuck you, why do you have to over analyze this? Why can't I be enough for once?." and mom gets a bit sad and leaves.

THAT'S IT

it's not even about the GENDER it's about her being a BAD MOM holy fucking what the fuck. G¤mers are pathetic beyond belief i cant even

to be honest I'm more pissed off at

romance spoilers

that their mom doesnt consider me good enough for her child. smdh this is transphobia trans-sad

the real hero's journey is transgenderism. get fucked joseph campbell you dead fascist loser

Thought of another Shadow fact, in sonic and the black knight shadow appears as Lancelot so take whatever myth from that and add it to shadows lore. He's known as the Ultimate Knight honestly the music from satbk is worth checking out for all the remixing of old themes from past games

dysphoria, bloodwork

Got my bloodwork results back. But it seems like I'll have to do another test for liver function. Don't know if I want it since it's not necessary but on the other hand it's nice to have a pre-HRT result to compare it to.

I'm also waiting for my estradiol to arrive, and it probably will, but I have the fear that it got seized. It makes me feel really nervous and that together with the fact I still have to decide if I will do the liver function test makes me feel bad. I'm also feeling dysphoric in general even though I felt euphoric yesterday. I'm laying in bed right now and listening to music and that helps.

Heard someone call yakuza "old man yaoi" and now I can't get that phrase out of my head kiryu-dame-da-ne

My Bicalutamide arrived! But my estrogen not yet. So I'm thinking of starting with bicalutamide already since I can't wait. But my blood tests for testosterone and estrogen are tomorrow. Would it mess with the results tomorrow if I start bicalutamide today? And since I haven't made an appointment for a blood test for liver function yet, would it mess with the results too much?

And since my estrogen hasn't arrived yet, is only taking bicalutamide worth it?

Any recs on where to shop for chokers? I want to get a new one for the outfit that I am wearing to a metal show. I have two that I bought from Amazon, but one of the requires an extender so I don't think it looks great, and the other has spikes which I think is kinda inappropriate because I don't want to mosh and I definitely don't want to look like a pit ninja. Looking on Amazon, everything seems to cap at a neck width of 16", while I have a neck width of 17" flat.

EDIT: Also, are pants chains in or out? I always thought they looked kinda dorky, but idk.

Realizing now that this mega is a sequel which now has to exist in the shadow of the first mega. Will it be better? Worse? Only the ~~audience~~ users can decide!

Hey how long did it take for you all to get used to a new name? Last time I did this was a decade ago so I forgot, and I'm starting to worry.

Visited parents and mom had to go take care of something, so finally was alone with step-mom for the first time since told them I changed hormones. So she asked me about goals, name, etc, which is cool even if I have no concrete goals or plans to change name for now.

My brother later told me our mom has asked him about things like name (my name is based on hers, so not surprise that would be a focus of hers), but I guess she doesn't want to ask me directly? Not sure if because I have a history of clamming up or because I can be overly sensitive and she's afraid of offending me accidentally - either and/or both make sense given how I've been in the past. She hadn't said anything to me in like the 3 weeks since I came out, so happy to know she's at least showing some interest and not just trying to pretend it isn't happening. Given the type of media she consumes, I'm kinda just glad she hasn't tried sending me things like detransition propaganda videos.

Also, suddenly finding emotions being a lot stronger these last couple days... like getting tears for little reason (fortunately, so far pretty much just when alone). Kinda nostalgic, except as a child, I had even less understanding why I was upset.

i am pumping my mp5 furiously right now

Mildly posted at max power a little today wtf , my profile is now a wall of text lol

Eepy now sleepi

I'm not good at falling asleep why do I have to do it like three times a day.

I was reminded of my struggles recently, so I looked at some stuff about avpd and

spoiler

kitty-cri No wonder I can't make or build friendships. Diagnosed for years, still haven't been able to get better. Why can't I be normal. Literally, genuinely, life ruining. Having autism on top of that does not help.

I struggle with relationships so much. I want them so badly, but its just really hard for me.

I'm angry and sad. Mostly sad. None of this is new to me, obviously, idk. Just hurts more then normal right now.

This is a complete long shot, a friend of mine had a half remembered fuzzy dream recollection of a song she heard a week ago that made a big impression on her. It's folky/blue grassy/that kind of genre. It was on a station called CJSW, they're alternative campus radio that plays plenty of eclectic music. She said it was instrumental and beautiful!

With her permission, this is her humming it: https://vocaroo.com/1c6G1uF94k2n

Anyone have any luck? I have no idea lol

Permanently Deleted

voice coach is asking me to come up with some more specific and concrete voice training goals and the only voice goals I can think of are the most ridiculous and over the top fictional character voices

spoiler

okay maybe with most of the innuendo and extremely flirty inflection dropped but can a girl not want to sound like Mad Moxxi?

Did my first blood test for T and E so I don't have to wait anymore for that and I'm one step closer to starting HRT. But want to make an appointment for blood work for liver function first since I'm going to take bicalutamide. I could've asked to the nurse if she could test that as well but didn't think of it at the time

Non binary because I like boys in a gay way and girls in a gay way too.

I'm making bread today~ 🍞

Psycho Nymph, unrelated yapping

UGLY DEATH NO REDEMPTION ANGEL CURSE I LOVE YOU, same-picture Psycho Nymph Exile

Is this an aesthetic that is fair to call an aesthetic? I first noticed the TRASH GIRL thing in the bandcamp description of Shed Blood by Ada Rook, but look there it is again. A term some people use! And uh, the creative output of these people smells the same, like Shed Blood could totally soundtrack Psycho Nymph if it weren't a multimedia oddysey or smth. Where does this come from? Do you have to be a 30something trans woman with a background in IBM PC clones to have evolved this specific style of gorey, screaming gay gendery apocalyptic rage music?

But then Fallow is so downkey, like I was not expecting it to get labelled "southern gothic" and if I had found Fallow first I'd have been shocked that the Fallow lady makes weird industrial screamy music. Contains Multitudes.

Idk how I would go about studying this, scene? there's a sphere of people? who is ESPER99 I wonder? thing, but I want to know more Idk. Imogen Binnie ✨ says in her new Orange Book afterword that Black Dresses is pop music and not new, and I'm like shoulder-grab WHERE IS MORE OF THIS. GIVE IT TO ME, MA'AM

Good (insert time of day here) Mega :ralsei-wave:

down with cis

ok so responding to something earlier i have had this hypothesis for a while and just want some anecdotal info:

sorry only for the AMAB transfemmes. maybe if this is interesting we can do an actual comprehensive survey at some point?

this is only for those that experience ASMR or finds it has an effect, either physical or just enjoyable:

did it start before taking hormones?
did it start only after taking hormones?
if before, did hormones enhance or reduce it?
if not yet on hormones, do you experience it currently?

Rewriting the lyrics to ‘I think about it all the time’ by charli xcx to be about the TLC04CD monolithic switched capacitor 4 pole low pass butterworth filter requiring minimal external components and featuring a clock tuneable cutoff frequency and frequency stability that is dependent only on external clock frequency stability

/j

sarah mcbride could consider detransitioning too since that would also make working with both sides of the aisle easier ☝️🤓

transgender

catgirl-flop lying on the couch doing nothing and arguing with family preemptively in my head in anticipation of thanksgiving has me all worn out. I think i'll lie down on the couch and argue with ppl in my head to take my mind off things

The Rizzler is gonna be on an AEW pay-per-view... god is good

Had my HRT consult and got a prescription. They don't prescribe SERMs at PP so I have to find a more specialized clinic before my tiddies start growing.

peepee stuff

Does anyone have advice for getting on boner pills to prevent atrophy?

I did a lot of voice training for many years to get to where I am now, where people tell me even my lowest-effort cadence still passes to the average ear, but even after all of that I find myself never using it in good company anyway. It is exhausting and frankly uncomfortable for me to maintain for long stretches of constant speaking; we're talking a whole day would give me a hoarse throat for most of the next day. I appreciate being able to do it as both a fun novelty in the company of some and also as a practical matter of safety in the company of others... but I have nothing but respect for people who just say "fuck this" and don't bother. Massive, massive respect.

did the achievement for only using the gravity gun in ravenholm. valve is so good. shooting saw blades at zombies never gets boring

The pro strat for getting all 326 routes in shadow the hedgehog (2005) is to have no social life, why have sex or go out with a S/O when you got routes to complete very-smart also do route 326 first and work backwards that way each time you check the library it'll open up to your last run and you don't gotta flip through it.

New lesbian flag just dropped: Punished Lesbian

Made for lesbians who are too anxious to talk to their crushes (me)

The hero or dark bars in shadow the hedgehog (2005) are either seen as ok or useless depending on the mission you're doing but you just gotta use them right. Filled both offer unlimited ammo and invincibility that you can use to bypass a lot of harmful terrain. Chaos control should be timed over bottomless pits or rails since when it ends it will put you past both and chaos blast can absolutely wreak egg dealer and diablon under a minute if you know what you are doing.

I missed the no-copyright mega but I hexbear-non-binary in time for this one I'm pretty hyped party-blob

Well, I fucked up my nail polish, burned a ton of time trying to get it off, fucked up my eye makeup, and I am late to the appointment.

Still excited/pumped tho.

sex stuff

IMAGINE DRAGONS VOICE:
oh, the misery!
everybody wants to see my dick for free

I think it's valid to get mad at friends for something they did in a dream, had an argument with one of them in my dream when they said jackie chan adventures was a bad show. I like that show so I let them know that they were wrong for having that opinion in my dream theory-gary

First morning after starting HRT last night. Can definitely feel the diuretic effects of the spiro, although I was also up really late so that could contribute to the dry mouth. Honestly, can't differentiate the effects of the E from placebo effects at the moment. I think I feel better, like things are more clear and I feel more alert/present than I usually do in the morning.

curling around the oven at work comfy-cool

Anyone got anime reccs?

I used to watch a lot like 10+ years ago but I haven't really kept up since aside from a couple things. I'll check out anything that isn't shonen. I've watched enough of that for a lifetime

Tried to do some shoe shopping IRL for my show outfit (well, just quick browsing at Walmart and TJ Maxx), but no real luck. Decided to just go ahead an order a pair of classic black Doc Martens.

Also, I didn't get an email back from the university art/craft space about dyeing my leather jacket there, so I guess I will just try doing it in the bathtub (hanging it on the shower curtain rod, that is), since I should get okay ventilation with the bathroom fan. The last project I did that involved a lot of paint/dye made one of my cats sick, so I will just have to keep them out of the area while it's drying overnight.

working on my "Christian white girl in autumn" vibes in the best possible way" with my outfit today, or so i was told

Kendrick just opened his mouth

I only have one page left in my large journal (187 days) and my urge to write a book is now combining with my urge to summarize my journal. The synthesis is writing an autobiography. Huh ralsei-wut

Just talking about names and remembered that my dad has my dead name in armenian tattooed to his arm. How did this slip my mind for 6 months?

sad/pain

suicide, self harm

I have no hope and think about suicide a lot.

Fuck this stupid, awful life. Hate that my options are suffer or kill myself. Hell world. Nothing is going to be okay again.

Also another fucking day of resisting the self harm urges, for some reason. If I was actually suicidal I'd just do it, fuck my fake fucking life.

can i say something? (no bully)

Actually talking about Psycho Nymph Exile, I discuss weird slightly morbid things, also nsfw!

I realise that when I posted, forgot to explain what Psycho Nymph actually is. Apologies, I am rusty at posting. It doesn't have a blurb per se which is very unhelpful, I had no idea what it was going in.

Because I'm silly, the best I can describe it as, is "Neon Genesis Evangelion, but with the viscera and queer dials cranked to 11" pretty much. So it's huuuuge biomechs (here "GAIGA") piloted by traumatised youths, deploying to battle whatever ANTI-GAIGA are. Presumably the establishment is running some kind of terrible scheme behind the scenes, but the pilots end up with DSTP (Despair Syndrome with Temporal Purge, subtle I know) pretty much reliably as a result of piloting, and after a lil worldbuilding (as a treat) the story picks up following Vellus, post-discharge from the academy of tight plugsuits after she accidentally maims her ex-girlfriend when her gaiga goes ballistic due to some new modification. She hangs out with her new sister-girlfriend, Isidol.

I always thought what NGE needed was for the mechs to be giant feral women with chastity cages, yeah. This is the correct way to build on the genre comfy-cool

Psycho Nymph is all sludge and goo and black bile and mild psychidelia, DSTP can manifest as many symptoms, from excess foreign fluid (DSTP-Black emerges as a slimy fluid from the orifices) to weird skin moisture things (DSTP-Clear (type B) condenses, vapors, or frosts on the body. Reports of eye-based DSTP-Clear leakage are unsubstantiated.) to Pheromone Poisoning (You will know.) to multiple pupils. (Vellus has three irises in each eye. You can’t see them all when her eyes are narrowed, like if she’s tense or tired or horney. Right now Isidol reflects in all six of Vellus’ pupils.) sic btw, no idea why the word is spelt "horney" persistently.

There's almost no hard technology either, though; the helmets and plugsuits seem to be it, and for everything else from joysticks ("She fingers the joystick, sculpted from a neural stem. It tenses under her grip like a clit.") to public internet-y wall jacks (more like a squishy orifice) it's not exactly squeamish but it is very fleshy and fluidy. Very cool.

I'm only like 50 pages in, of uh 120? but I'm excited to read more today and subsequently poke around online about it. I'm certain everyone else will have much more intelligent views on it, me I'm just taking in all the new smells and sensations. I noticed that putting several chapters of sickly gore-y weird body horror

She’s almost got a nice image together of a taller woman kissing her on the forehead, drowning her in musky torrents of hair, arms wrapping around her once, then twice, then endlessly, a bandaging repetition. The image shatters as a beam of DSTP-Orange blasts through the roof of her apartment, illuminating it like a muddy, humid cave full of fire. Dormant memories hatch all over her body.

right before the one beautiful moment of chill peaceful contented T4T cuddling, the latter feels even more like a respite from everything else:

Isidol wraps herself over me tight as a blanket, a toasty momcave. Even as I melt into the mattress, I know she isn’t asleep, or even resting. I imagine her face as a machine gun nest on the hill of my shoulder. What is she watching for? She must be guarding me against psychic evil, because my head is golden and warm and empty. Under her aura I fall asleep without fear.

It kinda fucks, I'm a big fan. It tickles my nerve endings and lights shit up in my brain just right. It's about trashgirls living on the edge of society being mobbed for the crime of attempted survival. It is about girls in trouble. it is about blood. cat-vibing Surprisingly thpugh I haven't put on any Rooks while reading, maybe I should try Void Fantasy tbh.

I don't remember seeing a bastion and nether fortress intersecting like this before:

spoiler

Your nether portal spawns right above the bastion, was neat to see last night when I was practicing. Ended up losing this run to not enough food iirc, you spawn in a mesa so not a ton of animals.
seed: 2029358003872644754

How much does working with a voice coach cost?

Blood Work done! Hopefully getting it done on Injection Day (TM) before the injection will help to provide a more accurate portrayal of levels. Last time I did it in the middle of the week, closer to the injection itself, so I'm wondering what my results will look like!

Anyone interested in shadow the hedgehog (2005) I recommend the romhack reloaded 1.2, lot of qol improvements, fixes and a new scoring system with added S ranks. Some of the levels have some added stuff and the red rings from colors no-copyright

spoiler

>wake up

>the pain immediately starts

Fuck me and fuck this

How do I find a good bra? There is literally nowhere I can realistically shop in person, so I need to order online. Sports bras and bralettes aren't cutting it anymore, lol

Oh yeah, was also feeling like an emo enboy for a while today (See image below for my live reaction).

(It was probably the hoodie I was wearing, I think what I'm wearing actually directly impacts how I feel about my gender (or lack thereof). See image above for my live reaction.)

Got more piercings! Eating is going to be weird for a while

dysphoria, voice training, surgery mention, whining

Woke up with a scratchy throat and extra deep pitch voice, had to talk to a relative I'm not out to, relative remarked that "I'm easier to understand than I usually am(?)" (they're kinda hard of hearing and old, I usually use "normal" voice with them, which I guess is androgynous instead of femme?)

I've gotten "oh LocalOaf, I didn't know that was you, you sound so much like your dad! You're growing up, teehee" kinda shit before and

screm ^AAAAAAA

I sound like fucking Tom Waits today and wanna cry

Tried my femme voice alone and the best I can do rn is Dr. Girlfriend

Down the road I think I need VFS but that scares me and seems unobtainable financially

Fuck this gay earth comintern rainbow-has

Oh.... catgirl-huh I didn't realise there was going to be magical grrl shit in Psycho Nymph. Uh, I don't speak the language sorry, I didn't watch Madoka Magica, I wasn't sufficiently convinced. My comprehension, in shambles!!

Cooked... bocchi-cry

derail valley updated yey

can i say something?

HRT ramblings, theories, and blood test results (Live Reaction)

So I stopped spiro for real this time. Last time I tried I felt noticeably worse within a few days, so I went back on it, figuring my T levels had gotten higher on the lower E dose and I needed the spiro. However, I went to try stopping it again with a significant amount of time before my blood test. After all, I knew it worked, so I wanted to see what the results would look like without it. Here's the thing: things have been improving since I decreased my spiro dose (from 50mg to 25mg) and then stopped it entirely. I had felt like my face was beginning to look more masculine, but some time (I think a single week) has it looking really soft, softer than it ever has. If it wasn't for my facial hair, I would probably look really androgynous, to be honest ( lets-fucking-go ). That takes me to my next point. My facial hair growth is slowing down, significantly, within a week of stopping the spiro. While on spiro, my facial hair would grow in what felt like normally, and I had gotten into a pattern. Shave Monday morning before work, and shave on Friday, also before work. By Wednesday, the hair had usually grown in to a point where I wanted it off, but my face is very sensitive, and it's bad enough shaving twice a week. HOWEVER: I shaved Sunday Morning. It was a bit later, not quite as early, but the hair on my face looks like I've only left it for a day. Huh? How did that happen?

Here's my thought that may have just gotten confirmed by the blood test I received: Spiro, along with E, blocks T production. However, I've also heard that when suppressed by E, the body can convert some T to E. So, having just gotten my results, my E tanked. How this happened with such a small dose decrease, I have no idea. Is the spiro really to blame for this? Probably not. My body works in very confusing ways though, and this test proves it. Last time, my E was at 498 pg/mL. Too high, even for mono-therapy, but they started me off at a pretty low dose (5mg EV injection), so it's weird. I think maybe I tested a bit early last time, and I tried doing it at the end of the week this time to get a better reading, and would you look at that, on the lower dose (4mg EV injection) my E is at 161 pg/mL, which is now too low.

This has transformed from Spiro rants into a full-on confusion crisis about my HRT. Should I have done it in the middle of the week again? Was I wrong to do the test on the day of my injection, before I did the injection? If it has been lower, what does that mean about my experience? How does that affect development, both physically and mentally? There's many more I could probably write and ask myself, but seeing the results, and going through the thought process, I asked myself if I was really trans? I am of course, I literally wrote before that I felt like I was looking more masculine, but my mind is still doing great, other than the excessive strain of a large workload I'm on a roll. I don't have my T levels yet, but maybe HRT was less of a factor in my feelings than I thought it was. I had always given it more attribution for how I was feeling mentally, when maybe I should have given myself more credit.

Either way, I'm scared to see my T results now. Then again, I feel a bit better knowing that the feeling of things slowing down has kind of been validated. That better feeling is then replaced with more anxiety because how did this happen, and how will this impact development further down the line?

EDIT: Doc says this is totally fine catgirl-huh . I'm going to have to wait for my T results, but idk if I trust that.

While I got time to post during my lunch break, shadow uhh is pretty damn cool. Damn too tired to think rn I'll edit this later to some cool fact

Talking too much about smut I only kinda liked: Human Domestication Guide

Alright, been meaning to type this for a while. Saw Ash talk about (check pronoun) readings and reminded me I read this due to (check pronouns)'s recommendation and then forgot to talk about it. Anyways

I like the idea of being taken care of the dxtremley caring plant creatures, but I just get caught up on the cultural imperialism of the forced pet dynamic. I think part of it is me being into like dog or cat girl thing more as an identity than as a kink. I dislike the cultural imperialism a lot. I get its just smut, and smut isn't necisarily realistic, but this is MY post so I get to decide what smut is good or bad enjoyment rise.

But yeah, I enjoy the vibes of being forced to be nice to myself and either being forced to take care of myself, or have a big plant lady take care of me, but the hypnosis and ownership aspects just give me bad vibes personally. Like I remember in the original glitchyrobo writing of the main character writing a document recognizing and signing a thing saying that (she?) has no rights in the Affini Compact. Like that and the ownership shit just made me stop enjoying it. Again, I get its just smut, but I am unable to just turn my brain off and ignore it.

I think I need to find smut, or really just writing in general, that has cozy vibes and maybe a Dom forcing me to take care of myself and be nice to myself. That would be cool. :flush:

That is to say.... If you have any recommendations.... I would love to hear them :flush:

Missed a couple days of antidepressants and the dysphoria’s back and it makes me feel like my dysphoria was just depression and I’ve missed something

Found smut with the tag #catgirls_make_the_best_communists and it didn't have a pet play tag so I thought it would be good, and yet it lied and still ends with pet play :boohoo:

Idk I never do

found another youtuber with video essays on degrassi, I know what I'm listening to at work 😎

dysphoria, hair styling, body hair removal

seriously considering shaving my head and doing a Mellon Collie tour era femme-ish Billy (Billie? I guess?) Corgan kinda look

Got REAL self loathing brushing my hair and seeing how pitiful it is

Shoulder length but I'm probably a year a way from Ocean Machine era Devin Townsend minus the crunchy dreads and a skullet is definitely not what I want personally

Might become a wig person

Idk

Also anyone ever use Nair Leg Masks? Impulse bought a bottle on sale and haven't used it yet but shaving takes forever for me and I have sensitive gay baby skin

It says it's for sensitive skin but I've been burned by that before with other stuff

Will report back for gay science later I guess

I need the gayest St Sebastian medallion there is.

Press-on nails get the wall. Sorry press-on nail fans, but I just went through a sensory nightmare for a little over 24 hours just to have my real nails destroyed. 0/10 would not reccomend.

Of course a couple of days after I say I haven't gotten sick since transitioning, my throat starts to feel funny 😖

Call me Pisshmael

I had a random flashback to a YouTube comment on a news video about Alex Jones:

CNN YOU ARE FAKE NEWS. DEBATE ME RIGHT NOW. I WILL WIN. I AM TEN.

little deuce poupe

I somewhat feel comfortable posting in here again. Maybe. We'll give it a small trial.

My top surgery is in 4 days. I'm hoping it doesn't look awkward. No lift, which is something I absolutely need, but the implants will likely be big enough to mitigate that issue. idk, we will see. Will be down for a while from it since I'm getting bottom revision as well.

Words by Majida El Roumi

bf made fun of me for listening to girly pop music and a) idgaf and b) thx honey very affirming.

I get the urge sometimes to write fanfics where I pick the most boring characters and make them trans and nd, idk feel like I was boring as hell back before I knew but that had to do with repression/masking.

big negativity word vomit, transphobia, fear, dysphoria, suicide

Whatever, sorry for this, my thoughts just keep looping on this stuff and keeping them inside doesn't seem to help. I'm sure its nothing I haven't said before. Sorry to all the people who have to read this absolute garbage.

I don't even know where to start. I'm dysphoric. I hate feeling like a man. I hate how tall I am, I hate how I look, sound, I hate how others perceive me. Every time I touch or look at myself I am repulsed.

Society genuinely hates us. Sees us as subhuman. "it". That's what you are (to them) if you don't look cis. A disgusting, perverted "it".

There is no hope. I transition and become an "it" that everyone hates, or stick with this and end up killing myself. Probably will regardless. How much suffering do I need to go through before god smites me? I have been begging for years. No answer.

Society is committed to making my life even worse then it already would be. As if voice training, and dysphoria, and all the inherent issues with being trans wouldn't be bad enough they have to make it worse. Threaten to throw me in prison and beremovedd for using the right bathroom. Because I'm icky and disgusting. Ban gender changes. Call me "male" forever. Genuinely fuck this shitty, awful world. I hate it. I hate every single fucker who supports or sits by and watches. What can you expect from the cis.

I guess my options are suffer or kill myself. Horrible options. Apparently that's what I have, and no amount of burying my head in the sand is going to change it. I do not want to transition and live as a removed everyone hates, I don't want to feel this dysphoria (which isn't going to go away regardless of what I do), and I don't really want to kill myself. But thems the options.

Fuck this shitty, hell world I was born into. There is no escape. Its this hell, or nothing forever. Nothing is going to get better ever again. At least I treasured my time as a naive, pre pubescent child. That was good shit and I knew it. The future is so bleak, every time I read the news or learn something new I realize just how bleak its going to be. Thank god I stopped reading climate change news. You all would not like climate doomer eggnog any better.

Anyway I'm going to go poison my shitty, awful brain and try to cope with these self harm urges. Maybe I'll have something positive to post tomorrow. Sorry for making you read this stupid shit.

Permanently Deleted

hey i deleted my account to touch grass but through stupid cleanups of my HDD I lost all my firefox passwords and lost credentials for cgpeers a fellow hexbear member graciously provided me. If anyone would like to share their acc with me id be eternally grateful! Ive got a very good ratio and know the rules of private trackers (good ratio, dont share the torrent with anyone else, vpn, never, ever talk to the mods because theyre really touchy, etc, etc) so i wont fuck your account up. Cheers.

Permanently Deleted

Trans Megathread for the Week of November 18th, 2024 to November 24th, 2024

NOW YOU KNOW

🏋️‍♀️