How do you cope with being misunderstood because of AuDHD?

Hey everyone,

I’m reaching out because I’ve been feeling really misunderstood lately, and I’m hoping to get some perspectives from others who might share similar experiences. I’ve been struggling with how my ADHD, particularly with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), is coming across to people, and I’ve even been called a narcissist, which is honestly heartbreaking and frustrating.

Here’s the thing: I know that people sometimes see my need for affirmation and validation and think it’s me being arrogant or seeking attention for the wrong reasons. But it’s so much more complicated than that.

With ADHD, my self-esteem has always been fragile, and I’ve often felt like I’m different or not quite “fitting in.” I know that sounds cliché, but it’s real for me. Because of RSD, when I get even a small whiff of rejection, criticism, or being left out, it feels like it hits me harder than it would for most people. I react more intensely to these things, and it can feel like a punch to the gut. So, to counteract that, I’ve developed a way of building up my confidence, and that’s where the need for affirmation comes in. It’s not about seeking attention, it’s about needing emotional reassurance to make myself feel secure, to feel like I belong.

But when I post something on social media or share a success with friends, I’m not seeking the spotlight. I genuinely don't want to be the center of attention or for people to think I’m showing off. What I’m craving, though, is the positive affirmation that makes me feel like I’m not a failure, like I’m not invisible.

The thing is, some people see this behavior and immediately think I’m being a narcissist. And that hurts. Narcissism is a complex thing, but one thing I know is that I don’t lack empathy. I have an overactive sense of empathy (thanks, ASD), but sometimes it doesn’t come across because I struggle with social cues. For example, when I get defensive or react strongly to criticism, it’s not about feeling superior to anyone or being indifferent to their feelings,it's about feeling emotionally triggered by rejection. The narcissist stereotype doesn’t fit because I want to understand how others are feeling. I genuinely care about the people in my life, but I don’t always know how to show it the right way.

Another thing that gets me in trouble is how my ASD makes me interact socially. I have trouble understanding social dynamics and sometimes I’ll miss things that would seem obvious to others. For example, I might not pick up on someone’s frustration with me until it’s too late, or I’ll misinterpret how people are feeling. In these moments, it’s not that I’m trying to manipulate or use people,it’s that I simply don’t know how to navigate the situation because my brain is wired differently.

I’m not trying to make excuses, but I’m hoping that people can understand that what might look like narcissism is often me navigating a world that’s hard to understand and trying to keep my emotional world from collapsing in on itself.

The worst part is, the more I try to explain myself, the more I feel like I’m being misunderstood. I’ve been told that I come across as selfish, and it kills me, because deep down, I’m desperate for connection. I’m not trying to hurt people, I’m just trying to keep my self-esteem intact, to protect myself from feeling the crushing weight of rejection that I can’t always control. But every time someone calls me a narcissist or accuses me of being self-centered, it’s like a slap in the face. It feels like they don’t understand the real pain behind my actions.

I want to be genuine, to connect with others in meaningful ways, but my own brain sometimes gets in the way. I don’t want attention for attention's sake, but I do thrive on positive interactions. Just a simple word of affirmation or encouragement can help me feel like I’m seen. When people praise me or recognize something I’ve done well, it lifts me up, but it’s not about ego; it’s about survival. It’s emotional nourishment, and I need it.

If any of you have struggled with these same challenges, where ADHD, and ASD are making you feel like you’re always walking a fine line between seeking support and being misunderstood as a narcissist, I would really appreciate your insights. How do you cope with the intense need for validation without feeling like you’re being seen as self-absorbed? How do you navigate the pain of rejection or misinterpretation?

And for those who have experienced similar dynamics in their friendships or relationships, what’s been helpful for you in explaining these patterns? How do you manage the balance between needing affirmation and still trying to be a good, empathetic person?

Thanks for listening. I’m really just hoping for some understanding here.