Trans Megathread for the Week of 10/14 to 10/20
Trans Megathread for the Week of 10/14 to 10/20
(i ripped this off wikipedia real fast so sorry if it's lib)
In October 1776, the Public Universal Friend contracted an epidemic disease and was bedridden and near death with a high fever. Their family summoned a doctor from Attleboro, six miles away, and neighbors kept up a death-watch at night. The fever broke after several days. The Friend later reported that [deadname redacted] had died, receiving revelations from God through two archangels who proclaimed there was "Room, Room, Room, in the many Mansions of eternal glory for Thee and for everyone". The Friend further said that [deadname redacted]'s soul had ascended to heaven and the body had been reanimated with a new spirit charged by God with preaching his word, that of the "Publick Universal Friend", describing that name in the words of Isaiah 62:2 as "a new name which the mouth of the Lord hath named".
From that time on, the Friend refused to answer to their deadname, ignoring or chastising those who insisted on using it. When visitors asked if it was the name of the person they were addressing, the Friend simply quoted Luke 23:3 ("thou sayest it"). Identifying as neither male nor female, the Friend asked not to be referred to with gendered pronouns. Followers respected these wishes; they referred only to "the Public Universal Friend" or short forms such as "the Friend" or "P.U.F.", and many avoided gender-specific pronouns even in private diaries. When someone asked if the Friend was male or female, the preacher replied "I am that I am", saying the same thing to a man who criticized the Friend's manner of dress (adding, in the latter case, "there is nothing indecent or improper in my dress or appearance; I am not accountable to mortals").
editorial note: I think this is a very cool story and I really love hearing it. We've been around forever and we've been doing variations of this forever. It's really beautiful
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!
the list as it stands:
Thallo (10/21 - 10/27) GenderIsOpSec (10/28 - 11/3) TheChemist (11/4 - 11/10) oscardejarjayes* (11/11 - 11/17) HelltakerHomosexual* (11/18 - 11/24) GayTuckerCarlson* (11/25 - 12/1) Luna* (12/2 - 12/8) Eco* (12/9 - 12/15) * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters
pronouns requested in the gender survey have been added. ae/aer, thon/thons, pup/pups, ee/ees, and em/ems.
i call her my wife and she loves it. i call her my waifu one time...
Really shook up the status quo tonight, came out to a long time friend. First time telling someone other then you all.
It went well, he is supportive and reminded me he's my friend. Asked what pronouns I'd want around other friends too, which I forgot to bring up.
I never like change, I am very fearful about this one, but it is actually going okay so far. Thank you to all the mega posters, I would not be where I am without you
they/theming transfems
I keep getting they/them'd by people who know I prefer she/her. And I mean honestly I vibe with they/them and might set them as secondary pronouns on this site. But it would be nice to be she/her'd at least once in a while, considering that's how I ask to be referred to as.
I get that I'm mostly masc presenting right now, but I really shouldn't have to earn the right to be she/her'd. It really feels like they're saying "it feels weird to call this man she, but I can compromise with a they so that he doesn't get on my case about it."
Even though I like they/them pronouns, it's starting to feel very tiring and invalidating considering the relative frequency.
sometimes this site is exhausting tbh. why is it that people here love armchair moralizing about other peoples’ decisions that don’t affect them (this is about the “eating slop” thread but i see it elsewhere too) without maybe considering that disabled people exist under capitalism too. i almost want to report that thread for ableism tbh.
Hate that it feels like you have to walk on eggshells around so many cis people. You never know who is gonna take it as a deep personal insult if you politely request them not to say certain things.
Going for my 4th laser session!
@UlyssesT@hexbear.net call the Drej laser to nuke my facial hair from orbit!
My little sister fretted about turning 18, she thought she was gonna be too old. She wanted to look like a teenager forever, which... ugh I know she just was but personally when I was that age it was a relief to finally be an adult and get out from being told what to do all the time
Reminded me of the young twinks lamenting their twink death at 19 lol
I'm down to talk for about an hour before I go to bed
Length of call: 3 hours, 34 minutes
I can genuinely only talk for about 30 minutes tonight because it's late
Length of call: 1 hour, 32 minutes
(When I pointed out that we're past 30 minutes, she said she doesn't mind staying up a bit longer so we continued talking)
I can talk for about an hour before bed
Length of call: 3 hours, 3 minutes
(This was tonight)
I really enjoy talking with her. She makes me feel understood.
to backup my disability application my GP gave me a bunch of old correspondence between the psych hospital I was inpatient at for a while and him. some highlights:
medical transphobia
my old head doctor from the hospital, now retired, repeatedly misgenders me in a letter from last year when we had already been working together for a year or so. fuck doctors!
my intake overview refers to me as "a female transgender". this one was just funny to me lol, very old school. obviously it is transphobic but it gave me a laugh. anyway just wild having hard personal evidence of the medical field being decades behind when it comes to dealing with us... I've thankfully got private option too, I'd say it's even worse here if you have to go public.
the government should pay me for anything transition-related ie. hormones, clothes, haircuts, ffs
it's in the public interest that i'm as hot as possible
sad
Very very sad
Very very lonely
Want to talk so desperately
But cannot be vulnerable
People hurting hurts me
Im surrounded by hurt people
Im also a hurt person
I want to be taken care of
I want to take care of those im close to
I just want to be held
And told everything is ok.
Even if its just for a night, or even just a few minutes, I want to know that its ok.
I want to feel loved
I am loved
I just cant feel it.
I can never feel it.
I can love.
But no matter how much someone loves me, i can never feel it.
Im alienated from my self and my feelings of love.
Do i even love anymore?
or do i just chase ghosts?
I havent had friends last more than a year, maybe two.
Now im coming up on the time to leave again.
Everyone always leaves me
So i try to leave first.
I got close to them.
It was a mistake.
because now i dont want to leave.
but i have to.
its not safe to be close to people
its safest alone
but alone is lonely
i just cant find people who want to hear about my experience of life.
except i can
i just dont want to be close to them once they care about me
because it isnt safe anymore
i know its not real,
but everyone leaves
so i have to leave first.
That way i dont get hurt.
Goodnight
Not going to self doxx, but seeing one of my favorite transfem artists tonight and am so excited!
They're putting me on all the estrogen. 10 mg injected estradiol valerate.
I went out yesterday in the most fem stuff I've ever worn out. Went to the park with my wife after dark. Was wearing a n95. For the first time, I wondered if I was actually passing.
I was holding hands with my wife, and another couple walked by, and for the first time ever, my first though was not, "what if they know I'm a guy?" Instead, it was "what if they think we're gay?"
I told my wife, and she said, "oh, I had the same thought, except I was hoping they thought we were gay!"
venting
i wish i lived in anything approaching a civilized society where it would be acceptable to take off at least a couple of years to work on healing trauma rather than having to somehow juggle that with the stress of every day life under capitalism with a brain that has a horrifically low tolerance for stress
Saw my favorite transfem artist perform today, and she taught the audience a powerful trick. Whenever you ever get misgendered as “he,” witches cackle HEHEHEHHEHEHE at them.
I held my tongue for so long but every time Julia Serano writes "hormonally female" or "physically male" my soul tries to exit my body. And then she hits me with the WELL TRANS WOMEN'S BRAIN STRUCTURE like wow.
I respect fully that the intent of this book is to analyse the ins and outs of being trans in the gender binary, but when she writes shit like "mtf spectrum" I'm sitting back and wondering if she actually read Gender Outlaw. Maybe the pre-2016 version is a lot less funny, but this cisnormative gendering of certain bodies and hormones is even less funny and I hate it absolutely to death. It feels out of place and eye-rolling in a text otherwise filled with many salient observations about the media's methods of subconsciously signaling the artifice of trans feminine gender, or just how much society both covets and devalues femininity as a whole.
Like how do you write the quote about "the acknowledgement that there are exceptions to every gender rule and stereotype" and then just write about estrogen being female. How cam you be so uncritical of cisnormativity as to use its language when writing all of this?? I mean, the text outright states that testosterone makes a "male" body and estrogen makes a "female" body.
This also makes me realise, if there's a specific piece of theory that lays out the destruction of cisnormativity regarding bodies, hormones, etc I haven't seen it. That one is to me homespun on forums and chatrooms.
Might have less hair on my lip than both my sisters at the moment
Kinda sus that pianos have 88 keys
drunk cis woman was wildly transphobic to me and my gf in the supermarket:/ not particularly upset by it, but definitely went fight or flight and coming down from that is no fun, end up getting dissociated for a while. they're always with the sidling up and muttering under their breath, like say it with your chest coward. anyway proud of myself cause I chose to just say something dismissive and move us away and she fucked off to go antagonise other people in the supermarket(???). couple years ago I might have escalated to a fight so I'm proud of myself for making what I think was the wise choice, even if a part of me is unsatisfied by avoiding confrontation.
drought's over, shit's flooding
@belligerentkitten@hexbear.net & i were in full crisis mode for a moment therepls send any & all energies you can spare
e : for context this is a 300yo stone house
Mental health, burnout, family shit
Feeling real
todayLend me gay energy to take care of myself instead of just burning myself out dealing with external problems
I feel like I'm trying so hard to improve myself and do so much for other people to just keep my dysfunctional family afloat and it's never enough and I never feel appreciated for it
It's like no matter what I do and how hard I try to get my shit together, I'm always gonna be treated like a dumb gremlin baby by my family even as they increasingly become incompetent geezers that need my help with simple shit that they're too lazy to do for themselves
It feels like I'm carrying them around in the Flintstones car and if I quit lifting it up and kicking my legs to keep it moving, the wheels are gonna fall off and that's gonna be all my fault according to them and I'll never hear the end of it.
Anyways here's a cute cat pic
I've had enough time to think and process, so I'm writing a message to my past therapist to explain why I think she was exploitive of my trauma and acted with her own agenda instead of validating what I was feeling
It's so hard to write a message like this. I feel like everything needs to be airtight and my feelings need to be absolutely irrefutable, with as little emotion as possible.
Tbh I've wondered if this was just self-indulgent and ultimately achieves nothing other than potentially causing her to rescind her surgery letter. I think I'm willing to take that risk.
After the majority of 2023 dealing with (cw: mistreatment from health professional)
- Being told not to talk or think about phallo for an unspecified period of time (until she felt I really lived with a vagina)
- Using my short term identity/dissociative issues against me (that came from trauma and not being believed by people around me)
- Not even writing down past conversations about doubts leading up to surgery
- Dangling ending our working together whenever I pushed too much for phallo and started to get frustrated that I wasn't allowed to talk about it
I don't want to spend another day worried about the consequences of not making someone happy. I can get another letter if it comes down to it. My current therapist finally brought that up last week and supported me in my decision, so that's good. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of sending this message other than being heard, though maybe that's all I need.
Light brainworm related yapping
I was thinking about the brainworm place and other spaces like it, and I arrived at a thought: the thing where they decry anyone having fun with 'catgirl' stuff as like, "anime cringe" or whatever is born out of A) the same ableist judgemental sludge that causes cringe culture to be a thing, but also B) the usual like, transphobic/transmisogynist motive for any of the other gender/sexuality policing they do where they do not want trans people to do anything but assimilate. These losers have a vested interest in you not enjoying being the pretty kitty.
Think about it...
venting anxieties about sibiling's potential dysphoria
To set some background, my sibiling came out as non-binary a couple of years ago. They were 8 at the time. To this day, that is still how they feel. However, things have been changing for them recently, and while I've had thougts before, I've become increasingly concerned since I started my own transition. I think that they're feeling dysphoria, and I'm going to try having a serious conversation with them about how they feel towards growing up on T. They've already told me they're afraid of, and don't like looking in mirrors, and they still mostly look like a kid. They have started growing more body hair, and a small amount of facial hair, and I think that may be getting to them. They've told me they don't want that. I'm sorry I'm rambling, but I'm worried they're going to go through a puberty they don't want to go through, and they're not going to realize they can so something about it until they're older (like me).
I've brought up puberty blockers with my parents, but despite how good they are with most things, they seem to be against doing that. I intend to bring up HRT with my sibiling, but considering they might not know what they want for themselves, I don't want to seem pushy, nor do I want to get them on something they won't like.
Sorry, but I really had to vent. I don't even know how this relates to any of you, or myself, at all, but I needed to voice my concerns to somebody without getting into an argument about someone else's body.
thirtymilliondeadfish has had there social position, personal integrity, leftist credentials, and gender credentials savaged.
it is 2018. place japan enjoyers are coming up with increasingly esoteric ways to deny that a trans character in japanese media is trans
it is 2022. place japan enjoyers are coming up with increasingly esoteric ways to deny that a trans character in japanese media is trans
it is 2024. place japan enjoyers are coming up with increasingly esoteric ways to deny that a trans character in japanese media is trans
Having sushi and cake for breakfast. Bougiest breakfast I've ever had lmao
Viral on Chinese social media:
Transwoman frm Hunan beat up a gay man from Hong Kong in Changsha. She said because he called Changsha city poor and ugly. She called him short. He threw food in her face. She proceed to beat him to the ground
cw, her dress slides down and she doesnt have a bra, the absolute queen
i saw this and all i could think of was "bussy pass denied"
i'm sorry that was awfulI look really hot topless and braless but wearing jeans, dunno what it is
cw: dysphoria, vent
It feels wrong calling myself a woman when my voice and body are the way they are, like, it feels like I don't deserve to call myself that when I haven't really done anything
I know this is all just 
and I don't owe anyone anything to be able to call myself a woman, but it still crosses my mind frequently and it bothers me a lot. Hopefully I can get out of this living situation and get to a point to where I feel comfortable transitioning, but it's really looking like I'm going to be locked into this for another couple of years at least. 
mental health meltdown, spectrum brain shit, trans shit, dysphoria, alcohol cessation, drugs
I think I overloaded and short circuited something in my weird brain from stepping too far out of my comfort zone
I got extremely sad and overwhelmed by realizing how acutely difficult it is for me to try and Have Fun and Be Normal and big crowds and noise make me really existentially weird and maudlin about how being surrounded by happy normal people make me viscerally feel Alone and mentally beat the shit out of myself for not already being in a better place in my life overall
Saw a trans woman there and I know it's bad to assume things about strangers but something about seeing how much of a Normal Woman(Trans) she seemed like made me extremely self conscious and feel incredibly grotesque and meltdown internally with "oh god why did I stay in denial so long, why didn't I come out in my teens and transition young, I'm doomed, etc" thoughts
I got home late and really wanted to buy booze and fall off the wagon and get blackout drunk but willed myself out of it and took a bunch of kratom and can't sleep and feel kinda sick and just totally burned out
Sorry for being like this and also sorry for apologizing for not being okay lmao
AAAAAAAAAAAgirl magic :3
cw needle
my mam has been asking me a bunch of stuff about communism so i sent her the Parenti lecture
When you're watching a random early 2000s action movie that's on TV, and out of nowhere...
Transphobia, chaser nonsense
two characters talk about watching porn, with one them saying he's getting tired of watching women on women action, to which the other responds that maybe he should try (insert porn slur popular with chasers) porn.
I fucking love going clothes shopping with my transmasculine comrade. We both know exactly how to shop for each other’s needs and have so much fun doing it.
So I’m starting to wonder if I’m getting delusional about whether I’m still boymoding. The other day I was talking with an instructor who I had met before but hadn’t really talked with and out of the blue he was like “oh before I forget, pronouns. They/them right?” And I straight up replied with “sure”
He also said that he was reminded because he was talking to [other instructor] earlier and apparently that instructor mentioned me and then corrected his pronoun usage and then he wrapped up this story with “he is getting better at this”.I have never told anyone irl to use anything other than he/him, they just assumed I didn’t use them. Apparently it’s becoming common knowledge or something that I’m not cis, which is, uh,
like I don’t even present any differently (aside from that week I wore nail polish) I literally wear the same clothes I always have. The first week of class an instructor was doing attendance and called my (very masc) first name and I raised my hand and he just looked at me like 
@EstraDoll@hexbear.net sorry I missed the lego’s gathering at your place! When’s the next one?
Crawl into bed at 2am, a reasonable hour! Suddenly connect that people I was helping pay for medical appointments last year have recently bought an apartment. At least I have this stale popcorn.
What are your hair strats? My hair isn't super long, but reaches down a bit past my neck in the back, and is straight. I'm looking for ways to have more fem hair on days that I want to, but be able to kind of turn it off on days that I don't. I want to talk to a stylist, but I don't want to go in completely blind
I discuss transphobia/terfs a lil, nothin specific tho
I was rolling this fucking Shiela Jeffreys (deeply unserious woman) quote around in my head, the one about men and histories of transgression and whatever. The easy answer is that cis men beinv more privileged to do transgressive anything stops when... you stop being a cis man, because it's societally constructed. Duh.Real brainworm consumers know.
The thing I finally hit on though, is that I don't think there's literally a single terf argument or "theory" that cannot be defeated by realising "these fuckin' losers, their entire thing hinges on taking assigned gender as sacred and absolute and true. Gender assignment was literally made up by people based on "common traits" they observed thousands of years ago, it's demonstrably insufficient to describe humans, and yet these dweebs want to base their discrimination on it? They're literally licking the boot that presses on their throats."
Felt kinda good independently using the theory I've absorbed to bust up goofy terf screeds. 3am I-skipped-my-gabapentin thoughts :3
They say you're nobody till somebody loves you
But you are somebody
Because I love you
@TerminalEncounter@hexbear.net I just realized, considering your profession, your username is terrifying
It’s cold, I wanna be a burrito
I aspire to be even a fraction as
as the Public Universal Friend.The negotiating committee says: "this is probably the best deal we're going to get, it's up to membership to decide if this deal is acceptable but we recommend ratification"
The general membership seems to be saying: "we can get better."
And I can sympathize, I do think we can get better. But I don't really have faith that my fellow union members are actually willing to go to the mat to get better, or if they're financially able to. Cause I don't think this government is going to give and I think if we strike, strike pay is SHIT in the first place, they'll legislate back to work - and I don't know about the wherewithal in membership to put up an illegal strike. Cause they will fine us as a unikn, some members (mostly in leadership) will be threatened with fines and even jail time, but it's definitely a struggle we can win to get better pay which is one of the big disappointments from membership. So many of us are living paycheck to paycheck and are single parents and can't afford strike pay for months.
I hope, should we ratify, they keep that anger for the length of the contract, they build up their coffers and solidarity funds and communal stuff, so that the NEXT contract if we don't get a better raise again - then we can go to the mat and wildcat if we need to. But just shouting "fuck you" in general isn't gonna win us much better than the current offer and it could end up worse...
health venting
ugh there's so many things i could vent about with my health and the stressful situation it's put me in, but one thing is that it has once again pushed hrt down the road for me. i'm too busy dealing with my chronic fatigue crash and its ensuing consequences to pursue hrt rn and i'm just thinking about it rn and i'm so, so frustrated.
sadposting
I'm so fucking tired
I need a fucking break
I need like a week in a nice cabin in the woods to myself miles away from other people with a big warm comfortable bed to hibernate in and try to make up for months of a sleep deficit but that's completely unrealistic
I have a whole thing about gender shit and family shit to vent but now I'm gonna attempt to sleep and kick my own brain's ass if it's uncooperative in doing that because I'm so fucking exhausted that I'm seeing shit in the corner of my vision that isn't there
Goodnight/morning
early AM NSFW thought
A cabinet of dildos, call it the Library of DONGress.
you know how like sometimes you know a thing is true, but you're kinda annoyed it's true and would rather it wasn't? I feel this about giraffes and horses. like ok you look at a giraffe and you're like oh, it's a tall horse, I get what's going on here, it's related to horses. but no! horses are odd toed ungulates and giraffes are even toed ungulates, and their last common ancestor was like 60 million years ago in the early eocene!!
and like I know this, it is a factual truth, but I don't want it to be! my brain sees a giraffe and is like na mate, that's a big horse. the bastards are more closly related to fucking dolphins than they are horses!
mmmmm gender
getting back in to weird paranormal shit. ghosts, aliens, weird magic stuff all that jazz. and my god none of these people have even just a modicum of critical thought, skepticism about extraordinary claims, or ability to question their own ideas. I want paranormal shit to be real, because it'd be cool and make the world way more interesting, and I know in my heart of hearts I want to believe which is why any time I find myself being swayed I'm like woah ok we gotta touch base here and look critically at this shit. if you want it to be real, you need to be 1000% more skeptical, because your brain is trying to get you to do a dumbass cognative dissonance and look past actual rigorous critical analysis.
why are there so few reasonable 'idk bro, could be somethin, but we'd neeed more evidence. as of right now, this is merely a weird thing that more than likely is nothing' paranormal investigators!
So I'm trying to apply myself to some theory in earnest, now that I've had the funny book as a little treat, and
We must also stop pretending that there are essential differences between women and men. This begins with the acknowledgement that there are exceptions to every gender rule and stereotype, and this simply stated fact disproves all gender theories that purport that female and male are mutually exclusive categories.
Thank fuck, holy shit. On some level I know this is probably the most basic tenet of feminism and gender theory proper, but it's still gratifying to see it reproduced in such an oldass text, especially because I came to just this conclusion entirely independently. This shit rules.It’s pretty wild looking back at older pop culture to see Mae West and Raquel Welch—two sex symbols of their time—being the subject of heavy transvestigstions. Raquel Welch even transvestigsted Mae West in her later years.
Just goes to show that you can even have the ideal woman’s figure and people will still somehow accuse you of not being cis.
Poiting out my current stim phrases to bully myself
Somewhere somehow someway, I picked up saying "it rocks/it rules" or "this rocks/this rules" or similar about fucking EVERYTHING, both ironically as a shitpost and unironically for some reason.
I am not sure where this phrase comes from, I think it is Orange Book. Maybe it's when she says "it's not even ironic: Poison rules" about the big patch of the first Poison album cover on the back of her stupid denim jacket? My brain remembers that she was describing something terrible with "which rules" or something.
Please send help.
at least marvel writers can be safe in the knowledge they'll never write anything as embarassing as the elon musk scene in iron man 2
Uploaded all the doggirl and catgirl emotes to https://mega.nz/folder/ZkpiELhb#uKDQ2gwg_34N1_9J54eSnQ
transphobia, introspection, bit depressing I'd say
it's funny that I used to worry so much that I'd never be a real woman. I know very well that I am, but now I also know that I threw away what was actually my ideal body and will never truly he happy with it again
this is a funny thing, because otherwise it would be harrowing
involves nsfw, suicidal ideation
took a picture in similar thigh highs and underwear to pictures I have saved before surgery. I'm so flat down there now.
it makes me want to kill myself
So like... How safe is DIY, really?
Pretty sure I can get my hands on the goods, but I see people here going to get blood work done to check their levels and change dosages, and I just don't see how that would be possible for me.
Like, going in to get blood work, and they're like, "your E levels are super high, we gotta get to the root of this" and I'm like "erm... Yeah"
Just saying I don't think I can have medical support.
Initial consult for my therapist went well! We scheduled a follow-up, and I am looking forward to it!
I also got a bra that fits. The cup is a bit big, but I have some sort of mastia due to my weight so I should be able to fill it out with some inserts. Idk how things are going to go as I lose weight/start HRT, but it's affirming for now. With that, I am working on assembling another outfit. I want to try something goth/punk. I will try to figure out some normal femme clothes eventually, but if it's in private for now then I might as well have fun as a baby trans. I also want to go to some metal shows again and it would be nice to not seem like a square.
It is done (catgirl emojis)
I got rate-limited for this, the bear won't let me upload photos right now
so i've alluded to this before but i don't really have a ton to really write out about this and I'm like 90% sure I know the right answer here and I hate the answer but i got to vent still
rambling about the girl i'm into being poly but how that kind of puts of me off the idea of dating her. this might come off as kind of shitty towards polyamorous people idk. if it is call me the fuck out please
so anyway, this one girl that i've really, really fallen for pretty hard mentioned to me offhand the other day that she is, in fact, polyamorous and i'm really conflicted by that answer because like, yay i guess that means she (might) be open to dating me but the more i think about it, the more i realize that like, i don't think i could be that fulfilled in a relationship where my partner has her attention split between three other people and also me? I really need that one on one connection and yeah, I'm already jumping several steps by assuming she'd be willing to date me just because she's poly, though I still think that there are other signs she might be into me back, I feel like if it actually came down to it, if she asked if she wanted to date, despite the fact that I'm really, really into her, I'd have to just... grit my teeth and say no because I can already see this not working out on my end? I still do really want to at least remain friends and not have this get any more awkward than it has to be with trying to force a romantic connection that I know I won't be completely satisfied with
There is one obviously right answer here, and it's to look the girl I wrote a love letter to with no intention on sending it dead in the eye and saying "I think we should just be friends" and fuck me that fucking hurts to say
I feel like I’ve won the lottery with my current schoolwork becoming one of my hyperfixations because I don’t know how I’d be able to sustain this level of work otherwise. Caught between trying to ride this wave for all it’s worth and pacing myself so I don’t get burnt out
Had to come out to my mom (and eventually the rest of my family) again, because something decided to give genderfluidity to someone who has social anxiety that makes these kind if things awkward.
At least she didn't jump to the conclusion that I might be a man, even for a bit, or that I was detransitioning or something like that, so I'll take that as a win.
health and academics venting
i feel like i don't really have much of a choice but to withdraw from one of my classes due to my health issues, which will place me on their version of an academic warning. it's incredibly frustrating because i was working hard at all my classes and i feel like i'm just getting punished by my school for things that were completely out of my control.
I want a wheelchair so bad but it's probably going to be a while until I can get one...
Ugh, pushed myself too hard too soon yesterday postop and paying for it today.
A lot of my people are going thru shit rn, and I want to be there for them when they reach out, but I really feel like I can’t at the moment.
Ugh, gonna try and go back to sleep.
hormone updates from ten years in, also dysphoria?
I have little tiny black hairs growing on the bottom third of my upper arms now. I do not know how to feel about this, has 12.5mg cyproterone acetate betrayed me? Should I start scarfing 50mg again to try to defeat this probably very natural part of aging???
Beautiful goblin says it's just soft and downy and part of getting older but like, I am comfortable with the body hair I have now. I do not really want more...
cw: angry (but important) dysphoria rant thing, kink (but not kink actually) talk, transphobia
please dont call therian identity "a kink" like seriously wtf,,,,, das not okay
please actually educate yourself on stuff and dont decide what is a kink for someone else (das pretty weird)
just because you think something is a kink doesnt mean it is to everyone, and that honestly sounds a lot like transphobic rhetoric "oh its just a kink" like no
going to maul the next person who calls it a kink *grrrrrrrr*
(this is not to say it or at least stuff adjacent to it cant be a kink, or that you cant be therian and have a petplay kink of somekind, but that you shouldnt just assume)
edit: also this mightve been a slight overreaction to a comment we misinterpreted but we are gonna keep it up anyway because we wanted to say this and its important!!!
edit2: also dont call therian identity just being a furry either, also not the same thing, at all
Yesterday I was photographing a self bondage set in a small grove between some trees, a sort of lost in the woods thing wearing the green dress from Howl's moving castle and a pair of blue wrens landed on the branch next to my head and hung out there for a few moments, I didn't manage to get the picture with them because I was too surprised but I'm a motherfucking Disney princess.
monster zero ultra fills my veins
whining, dysphoria
I haven't complained about it in a while, but voice dysphoria continues to be terrible. Want to come out to a friend or two, but the thought of using my voice, egh. Obviously the actual coming out can be over text, but after that
I can't explain it. I hate pretending to be a boy, but saying I'm a girl and sounding like this...Voice is just disgusting and horrible. All wrong. I don't have any idea how I'd want to sound either, if I could pick.
I know it won't get better without voice training, I know I need to, I know I should, all that. I'm not trying right now, I just can't. I know nothing will get better until I do. not worth continuing this and typing out all my self hatred.
I've said this before, but I'm thinking about it again and not like I can tell anyone irl
I remember not liking my voice changing during puberty. Thought that was normal and I'd like it eventually. Clearly I was wrong, and tbh I wonder if I'll ever like my voice again. Current trajectory isn't looking good. How sad. Just ruined by T.
fwiw yesterday was quite good for me, very calm. A nice break from some of my usual struggles.
The PUF is my bestie
Four waffles is too many, but it's all the machine makes. In less than five minutes, bounty begets melancholy...
- The Tortured Breakfaster
wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife
Every time I stumble across the transfem-tomgirl post about how Dorley Hall and Serious Weakness should kiss, my brain cracks violently in half like I'm watching Pyramid Inu make funny references. Someday, there WILL be proof positive of the "weird transfem novels" world and the "black dresses gangosphere" kissing, and something catastrophic will happen. It will be Big.
im thinking of requesting another comm, called /c/multilingual. the point of the comm will be to post only articles, comments, etc. not in english
people can post translations to english in spoilers in the same post if they want to work on translation skills
would anyone here be interested in modding such a comm?
the goal would be to increase international participation on the site
I have rotted my brain out, no cws
Okay so like... if no physical trait or anything is inherently gendered, which is true, then surely hormones and other physical things like that can't be an aspect of gender expression...? Just looking at that written down I realise I must be missing something, but my brain is sort of dumb right now. Stop taking gabapentin and The Gender Thoughts awaken immediately
dreams, sex
Had a normal kinda dream devolve into me having anal which was cool I guess, then I had a far more interesting sex related dream but I can't remember any of it :(
discussion of transphobic rep
Oh my god, I cannot believe that Julia Serano has the same brainrot that I do. She must have spent years studying The Slop to be able to cross-reference Priscilla Queen of the Desert with The World According to Garp with A Mighty Wind with The Adventures of Sebastian Cole. The absolute ironclad tolerance for garbage of this woman, in pursuit of obliterating all of these stupid movies' transphobic bullshit, I really respect.
Me: "I should probably come out to my parents"
Also me when my mom just casually having her hand on my back: "Oh no, she might notice what I'm wearing"
Kinda dismayed that I could have missed being a fucking weeb. I wouldn't know what that fucking goddamn Demon Slayer reference means if I hadn't seen One Piece and Naruto on YTV, and then seen that there was a dumbass english-language manga magazine that serialised them. Goddamn, Shueisha.
in a fierce golf with your friends showdown with my gf
re : carpenter
i hesitate to call any of his other movies shit after vampires
like sure prince of darkness puts me to sleep but at least the concept is kinda cool. halloween is honestly high art in comparison. even his weaker films tend to have something to enjoy but vampires is where the macho bs truly took over. it cannot be overstated just how aggressively awful it is. like just thinking about the fact that i ever gave it another chance makes my blood boil 
anyway yeah i'm familiar with most of his work but the thing & they live are the only ones i ever feel like revisiting anymore.
I watched Beyond the Black Rainbow the other day, it was a good spooky slow burn horror movie. The psychic cinematographic effects were neat. The soundtrack was cool, reminded me of Carpenters movies - evil pulsing synthwave. It wasn't like a heart stopping scare ya Halloween style flick but I enjoyed it.
Also found out it was a Canadian production and a mini budget one! Only ~$1 million.
the new chat pile album is so good holy shit
in here we take about drugs
People on twitter keep bringing up the drug debate cause of two-three trans girls doing drugs.
Chat, I’m gonna be real with all of you, they’re making drugs look really lame.
Bahbeing a social reject
Kinda wish someone would just say this stuff to my face. It's like everyone else knows what my deal is and has decided to see me as an NPC. Literally they all know and just are like "interactions with you end here"
I feel like I'm more likely to explode than to ask a direct question with intent in a social setting or talk to someone who isn't already talking to me first. I feel like there are times where I just stand around hoping someone will interact with me, because I don't trust the interaction to go well if I go up to someone.
And it's not just being quirky and smol or whatever. I like don't have friends and struggle with my goals because I can't talk with confidence 😶 It blows chunks
oh hey is that our public universal friend? it is! hi puf!
sex stuff
so if I can't really imagine being comfortable having sex with someone before getting to know them a little bit, does that make me demi? I can imagine a hypothetical scenario in which I'm in a vetted space and might have sex with someone spontaneously, but I'd have to know a lot about the vetting process and be at ease with it in my mind, or maybe I would even need to know and personally trust the people doing the vetting. I guess it kinda feels like I don't really relate to not being able to feel sexual attraction to someone without an emotional connection, but rather, in a world such as this, I don't see a situation in which I wouldn't want that as a way to protect myself from chuddery. So using the demi label might make sense in a practical sense? Kinda like how I might not only like women, but find lesbian umbrella a comfortable place to exist right now (actually it's a bit different, since I actually actively crave connections with women, who I feel like I've been unfairly socially segregated from my whole life, but I hope the comparison makes sense).
I guess I can also imagine having more casual sex in a world where people are much more open and wear their hearts on their sleeve, but that's pretty antithetical to the imperial core, especially neurotypical culture. Also I'm not sure what level of heart-on-sleeveyness would make that happen for me, so maybe that's not a thing lol (might be a healing writing exercise though haha). Idk, any thoughts on this would be interesting to hear.
In a lot of Anglo cultures/communities, which most of you are from so this won't be a surprise, wives take their husbands' last names. In queer couples, they sometimes do it sometimes one takes the other etc. Even in hetero cultures, occasionally the husband takes the wifes' last name (very rare). In Quebec and France and probably a bunch of other Franco places, it's not legal to take your spouses last name lol. Best you can do is double barrel.
I have NO attachment to my last name. It's from my dad, who was and remains an asshole. But I wanna be a good strong feminist and also not buy into this Anglo tradition 😭 At least it's not an actual problem, I am at no risk of getting married anytime soon lol but I would be tempted to take my future spouses last name just to cut off that last bit of my dad.
why the fuck am i up so early. this fucking sucks
I don’t listen to Billie Eylash but the song birds of a feather is making me fucking cry
i've had these girls for like 4 months and yet i still get surprised by the fact that i have tits
I should have gone back to bed a while ago, I am going to end up so emotional today. On that note, dear god I want to be on hormones :kitty-cri:
can't sleep, let's have a tea thread.
I like Earl Grey lately for the afternoon for a little caffeine boost (with a bit of oat milk and maple syrup), but I'll also drink sencha or genmaicha.
At night I like camomille, or sleepytime, or Bengal spice, whatever Partner is making.
Since I stopped Spiro we've accidentally ended up with a huge bag of peppermint tea and I'm trying to like it again, because Spiro was gross but I used to like peppermint.
ok hai. my name is bocchi and um it's been a while since i made a new video. so i decided that because of recent events that i could make a new videooo. and um so yeah so let's just start off by getting a couple things straight. i have friends... mm hmm! no, I know that you all think that i don't have friends, but, i do, actually. and i actually do have a band also, ahh hehehe, which is funny to me. ummmm yeah.
Cousin was making bracelets and one of them is trans colors by his own description of it. <3
okay so I have upbears off, but I'm seeing upbears in threads again for some reason? they're not there on the main page?
edit: i had to hard refresh
🚬🤘😔🖕🥃
As a little folkie guitarist, lemme just say that one of the only good things to come out of
is their beautiful tradition of folk music.Currently learning one of my favorite guitar medleys. It’s a really fun challenge. I love the sound of an acoustic guitar played well in alternate tunings. https://youtu.be/rSD9qg9biC4
Sanity check chat, is a parent saying "you can do a b c transition things, but I don't want you doing x y z while you live here, I'm just not comfortable with that/goes against my beliefs", abusive? Like assuming its strictly transition related. I don't know what specific things are being thought of either. Personally, I'm assuming that to mean hrt/pronouns/name/clothes?
I was looking at my shadow today, and it looked like I was wearing an awesome coat with a long back piece flapping in the wind, along with my jeans. Yeah, in reality it's just a sweatshirt thing that happens to have a small portion that hangs out in the back, and it does it in the front too. Now I really want a coat like that...
the second to last episode of a season of Bojack Horseman, except it's just how things are now
suicide, toxic bs, drugs
so we got another person here like a week ago & it's been acting like a fucking dickhead the entire time. doesn't respect boundaries, emotionally manipulative, constant aggressive behaviour like throwing & breaking shit. last night it was suggesting it was gonna kill itself & like wtf is anybody gonna say to that?obviously this isn't v compatible with this lifestyle. the kicker is tho, the idiot actually did od! didn't succeed & is now acting like nothing happened. i'm literally so furious i circled around into this zen kinda mode. like jfc, this is how you go about your long awaited chance of actually living your life? i fucking swear, i'm gonna drag its sorry ass all the way to the nearest town if that's what it takes.
i don't think there exists an emoji potent enough to express how i feel.
preening, positive but maybe with weird stuff, feel free to critique language etc
Despite lifting, I also continue to gain body mass. I guess I'm not doing sit-ups so it makes sense, my arms tighten up while my tummy becomes the squish zone.
My torso generally gives off a lot less "skin stretched over a ribcage" vibes than before, although I can still see my ribs. I am digging the squish though, I look great. I should get more, maybe I don't need to worry about the day my metabolism slows way down, like my mom constantly said about.
spoiler
insecurities at a high the last 2 days mostly laying in bed, staring into space, trying to pick a youtube to watch
don't really kno what is ok to say or not. obviously i made generalizations and i have reflecting and reading to do. much of my staring into space is related to this
why do i talk, expectations, ideation
everyone memes about freezing up and not knowing what to say, but speaking on that earnestly is not something people wanna hear. if someone had explained to me in explicit detail how to outgrow these things as a teenager, i literally would have. and i only say that because people make it seem like changing is easy, like it doesn't require a 1v1v1 Battle With Executive Dysfunction and Established Logic. i've made multiple comments about feeling trapped on rails, etc.
it is frustrating to see other people speak on their issues and have more positive outcomes. maybe that doesn't matter. maybe i literally shouldn't expect anything.
what i don't get is how having zero expectations from the world is different from the void i was staring into before i realized that my issues were related to gender and sexuality, and i kinda just wanted to be dead. because i really thought i was straight, i thought i was a guy, and that it was the end. and even typing that is hard.
if i go back to lurking, it's not personal. i just ran out of jokes.
miniminuteman, Milo Rossi, is one of the most attractive men on youtube
I never knew about The Friend! Learning new things every week with trans mega :trans-ferret:
🎵 Everypony hurts.... sometime 🎵
I'm a bit embarrassed to ask this, but is wikipedia correct about Leslie Feinberg's pronouns? So, for example, if I were to be discussing hir among an audience of non-trans people, I should use she/her?
GTA V Michael is Tony Soprano
I DON WANNA PLAY WIT LEGOS
tiddies hurting which means tiddies are growing, but owie
Desk is looking real nice now though 
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
e 
top tier day so far
)
worked out 
I have more anxiety when I'm going outside 
MFW THEY GO TO FUCKIN RENO, NEVADA IN CUCKOO 
