I need to dump this somewhere so please ignore these very long rambles. This has been a week.
very angry venting
Still bitter and angry about the 15% rent increase and the consequent spiraling of how much it costs to exist. Part of me wants to move on and settle it asap and block it from my brain and beat myself into submission, another wants to distract myself from it completely, both want to get away from the volcano of absolute rage that's ready to spiral out of control and burn everything in its path.
Alright, let's have at it: FUCK you, LL, for trying to come across as understanding or nice, you are NOT my friend, I believe NOTHING about how much you "value" me because if you did you wouldn't be slugging a fucking $75/week increase BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU FEEL ENTITLED TO MAXIMISE YOUR PROFIT OUT OF PEOPLE'S NEED TO HOUSE THEMSELVES. This is not a relationship you "value" by demanding more money JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN. Just keep it to what it is, this is a TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIP and if you had a smidgeon of empathy you wouldn't fucking highball it at first opportunity. Fuck the fuck off with your attempt to be personable and magnanimous. I will keep my angry outbursts here because I'm not an idiot and I will stay civil but I will NOT grovel. I will be offering absolutely no more leeway on inspections, maintenance, etc. And fuck if I'm going to do a complete spotless clean of the place when I leave - I'm claiming my bond the second I'm out and you can fucking take it to vcat over fair wear and tear for how much you've fucking earned from me over the years especially as you don't even need to pay REA fees. You will get absolutely no more energy from me. You've taken enough. Go get fucked and I hope you DO get worse tenants here on out who make your life a nightmare. Enjoy being a bloodsucking leech.
and now for the part where I try to calm myself down
Sigh.. Okay. Now the positive of this whole shitshow is, it puts some fire under my arse to sort out my job situation and motivates me to finish up my business in Melbourne and get the fuck out. I've been wanting a change in scenery for ages - first it was "once lockdowns are over", then "once I get PR", then "once I quit my job", then "once my niece settles in"... but this time is it: once I finish up uni in June I am GONE. I knew that studying would involve an earning hit and it was something I needed to invest in for myself. That I'd need to pay myself a bit to get it done.
So, here it is. I'm going to honour my commitment... but the clock has been set. I've been drifting for quite a while trying to get from one week to the next... now at least I know I am approaching the end of a chapter. Closure is coming. I won't forever be stuck in this helltrap of running faster and faster just to stay in place. I will slam the book shut on all the covid/work/friendship yucks, and clear out space in my life for a fresh start. There is relief and determination and growth amidst the anger, and the deep-seated fear and anxiety of not feeling safe and secure of my own housing. I used to feel sad about possibly leaving Melbourne some day, selling up my things, giving away my plants: now I'm honestly ready. will change the narrative. I do not have control over everything, but I will not be a victim; I have so many more options than I used to... I have value beyond paying off someone else's mortgage. I will not be beaten down into misery. I will change the narrative.
and now for some practical steps forward...
- Cathartic release/dump so I can feel okay enough to go back into my home - tick.
- drs appt for mental health referral - tick.
- Look at cost of comparable rentals in area as benchmark.
- Look at what my finances and working capacity is; budget for mental health.
- Come up with compromise rental $ amount, take a deep breath, and send brief email to LL. Remind myself I will have 60 days from official notice. I will be OK.
- check EBA for notice period for job I have to quit
- Draft resignation letter and handover actions
- Schedule chat with other job about bringing hours up
- Start writing down moving out ideas. Who gets what. Which things to sell off. What services to cancel. Clearing out the pantry slowly. Etc.
I need to keep telling myself - I got this. This will be a challenging period going forward. Thank heavens for the cat. Speaking of:
and now for something completely different
Number one. The White Area of Do-Not-Touch.
got home at 1, up at 8:30 for breakfast and movie, home at 1 again tonight, alarm at 4 to see if aurora is here and whether sky is clear
GRINDSET
Woke up early but was still all puffy and congested and emotional from last night's shock email. Trying not to let anger take over and focusing on the good things... grateful that I'm catching up with a friend today. Parking in Carlton has really changed. Nearly everything is 2P till 7pm, all my good weekend street parking spots are gone. Fair enough, I just wish there was better PT connection - the new train stations can't open soon enough.
Permanently Deleted
I’ve done nothing today. This probably isn’t helping my physical health or my mood, but the inertia. 😞
Ah that's a sleep in for me! Think I've got shopping on the agenda for today, Elder Minipeeler wants some new clothes. Miniest needs some too, she's got this habit of chewing her shirts. But she's decided to take up crocheting in the past couple of days so she's stopped chewing her shirts as much, being busy with her hands. Then it's baking a cake and wrapping gifts for Mr P's birthday, which we're doing tomorrow out of convenience (he doesn't mind).
I got the first assessment back yesterday. I passed. I'm still working on the other 2 which were due on Monday (but I got an extension).
Assessment 2 is a simple research report. I've done the first 3 questions (12 total), and so far I've spent about 4ish hours on the 4th. It's just now dawning on me that it's probably mostly wasted effort. There aren't grades, it's just a pass/fail, and my trainer isn't a harsh marker. It doesn't really matter how much detail I put into it, I'll pass either way.
But it seems I forgot about that and turned it into an entire essay. It is currently 803 words, when it really doesn't need to be more than 300-400. And I'm only a third of the way through
Why did I do that
Taking my son to watch Seven Samurai at the Astor tomorrow.
Fatherly nerdy bonding
I showed my girlfriend Life Is Beautiful last night. That movie always hits hard but even more so when you have kids
Jesus. The thunder is really coming down now.
So loud
I’m thinking I make risotto today. Massive batch
Today is day 365 of learning Spanish
I don't know whether I'll continue my streak or not, but it's pretty cool to do something for 365 days straight. I actually started like 380 days ago, but I've used up a few streak freezes which just stop it from breaking but don't extend it.
I haven't made much progress and without being able to speak it with anybody irl, it doesn't seem like it's actually seeping into my brain. I tried watching shows with foreign language dubs, but it was too difficult to keep up, even when I knew the English dialogue word for word. I can understand about every 5th word in Orange Is The New black though, so I guess that's something. But it doesn't help that Spanish speakers talk at approximately 720,593 words per minute
I haven't had a whole lot of motivation to continue and keep pushing on since about day 200, but I wanted to hit 365 days. My previous longest streak was like 19 days or something like that, so #winning I guess
Ended up with 60mm last night according to the rain gauge. Pretty much in an hour. Insane.
Shopping done!
Trying out a cafe I haven’t been to today, trying out Drip cafe today.
Hope the coffee is good here.
Not too big of a place here and I’ve taken a front window seat to hopefully see more of the sun.
I have a contented cat curled up on my lap, purring. I am getting hungry and and would quite like some lunch. He says that's not his problem. I guess I'm going hungry until His Fluffiness releases me.
Llab is out past beddy byes…
Market run complete. I have interesting sausages
Attempts to time my afternoon walk between showers were a complete and utter failure, we had to abort early. I was able to take off my wet-wool smelling jumper and am now just a bit damp, but Mr Woof had reached Soggy Doggy status and has been tied into his bathrobe.
Gardening question (I'll post it to garden thread also)
This is a 60yo hydrangea. Mr P wants to save it, as it was planted by his Nan. But it's had the outlet air from the split system blowing right at it for years and it's clearly struggling. It also used to have an apple tree for shade but that was removed years ago. He's wondering if he should/could move it without killing it. As you can see, he's already started 😂Rain sound soothing
The rain is here. 🌧️
There will be no rain here but I'm wearing a rain coat to go shopping just in case.
☔
I remember going to see this performance , in melbs tho
magic flute in aussie language https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BurovR247oI
