How do I stop getting mad about things that happened a long time ago?
How do I stop getting mad about things that happened a long time ago?
I've gotten a lot better on my BPD symptoms for a few years since I got good therapy and antidepressants, but one issue I still really struggle with is revisiting times when someone hurt me, intentionally or not, even if it's a resolved situation I'm not still mad about, and getting mad about it again.
Below are two examples, you don't need to read them but it might help explain my problem.
I did this a few months ago and drove away my fiance over a small mess she made in my place. She made it as a trauma response, we had a wonderful conversation about it after and I wasn't upset at her at all. But I managed to make it a huge deal in my head later, and since she'd said before she wants me to clean my space better or let her help clean (I have a hard time motivating to clean my room and stuff), I thought she was a hypocritical asshole. I verbally abused her over text and made an ultimatum, saying she had to apologize for it or I wouldn't talk to her anymore. She left, blocked me on everything, and the engagement is off. We exchanged letters recently, and at least maybe we can still be friends again some day.
A more recent example is with my dad. I was trying to quit cigarettes and take a break from weed, so I asked him to hold onto my ID so I wouldn't be tempted to get any since I'm kinda addicted and can't control myself when I can get a fix. We went out and about for a doctor's appointment next to a dispensary, and I was gonna be super proud of myself for not having gotten anything there. But my dad thought I might wanna get some weed, so he brought my ID. While he was getting weed, I spent 15 minutes wailing and trying to resist getting stuff, but I caved and got weed and cigs. I still feel really ashamed about my lack of self control, and I think that event really fucked with my mindset about quitting and made it a lot harder to try again. I don't want to be mad at him, and I've already talked to him about it, but I'm trying to quit again, and I already struggle a lot more with intrusive thoughts like that while sober, but I'm having a really hard time not protecting my shame onto him. I don't want to talk to him about it again, i think he already feels really guilty for sabotaging my quit and I don't want to drag that back up.
Talking to the people I'm mad at about it can make me less upset, but I can't just bring up old shit like that every time my brain makes me upset about it. With my fiance I should've just talked to her about how I felt and we could've worked through it together, but that isn't the solution to most things like this, esp when they're already resolved issues.
Tl;Dr I sometimes dredge up old memories of others hurting me and make myself upset about them again, and I really need a healthy way to deal with them other than just bottling it up or talking to them about it every time
Well, first, it seems you unintentionally blame others for your shortcomings. You should probably focus hard on correcting that behavior. It wasn't your fiancé's fault for your messy room, and when you start tallying who did what in your relationship, you're gonna have a bad time. Instead of getting mad about her mess and then saying the mess she made was hypocritical, work together to clean each other's messes
Second, you said your dad is a pot smoker as well. Potheads are notorious for forgetting things lol. I would have to write important information or appointments down to not forget them. Paper calenders and sticky notes were the best tools for that imo.
Not with all of that being said, what can you do to change what's already been done?
Yeah, I also get frustrated when I have strong feelings towards past memories. I can also relate how it is demotivating to experience the same old feelings in the face of having recently made progress on the issue, personally or socially.
Posting about it on here might be a form of a good way to vent or reprocess the event. Either way, I think it's really cool that you have awareness of yourself and also are trying to change for the better. That is not easy or simple.
It would be difficult, but you may want to try chatting with your Pops about what happened, in a calm and nonjudgmental way. Not talking about bothersome things can be temporarily useful, but it would probably be beneficial to both of you to lay it all out, y'know? Mistakes can happen. Perhaps we can think of a different method of handling habits, so that this doesn't come between you two again?
I'm sorry that these situations and events caused you to feel so awful. I'm still gonna be proud of you for wanting to improve, stranger. Best of luck!