The USS Fubar

You can’t have Morn on coms! He’d never give the other party a chance to speak!
- It's a matter of public record that Morn is quite the talker. Even Jahdzia Dax finds it difficult to get a word in. And we all know how much trill can talk... Each one has enough experience to fill a star ship's memory banks!
  Every time someone shows up needing something from the person he's talking to, there's a 50/50 chance it was made up just to give them an out.
- I was hoping it would be Dathon from "Darmok" on comms.

Morn on comms is either genius or foolish.
On the one hand, you can encode any message and the adversaries will be so bored of his constant blabbing that you won't even need to encode it
On the other hand, you'll need to divert your EPS relays all to comms as he'll still be saying goodbye when you're light-years away from your last rendezvous. You'll need serious signal strength before he lets them say goodbye.
- Bonus: He's old friends with the enemy, so there's a decent chance he'll let you live.
  
  The multiple almost warp core breaches both act as a deterrent but also require you to get assistance from other ships. And knowing your luck it’ll be Sisko and his kid just got in trouble and his autographed baseball was transported into a stew by Neelix and accidentally served by Keiko
- Nobody says goodbye on the space phone. It's like they concentrated all their effort at being polite in every single other avenue of life that they forgot phone etiquette. Shit, man, Picard would mute the screen but not disable the video and then proceed to point at and talk shit about the person on the other end of the line.
  Morn would only be saying goodbye because it would confuse everyone and give us the advantage.
- Dude just cannot help himself. Some people were just born to gab.

These people are all very successful. The main problem would be getting them to work together. If anything, this would be the luckiest ship in the fleet. At least 8/9 of them have major plot armor. This ship would be like Gilligan's Island in space.
- Voyager is already Gilligan's Island in space.
  Also, it would appear the ambassador "somehow" got shot out the airlock. These things happen. No need to investigate.
  
  No, Star Fleet does not allow accidents like that to happen to anyone above the rank of Ensign.
  But what we could do, is have her negotiate a terribly important dialog with a group of what the captain believes are a Silicon based life. Probably. They... um, are subject to both a... slow metabalism, and a temporal... reversion.... yeah. They take weeks... or even years. Yeah years to say a single word, but do to a.... temporal... quantum.... entanglement. Yeah, Temporal Quantum Entanglements... Because of that, the Bauldarians need to hear a response the second they stop speaking. And if they don't get one, the diolog will fail and then where will we be? Right. So yeah, our diplomat needs to stay on the planet within the circle of the Bauldarian council. She can have a shuttle craft to act as a diplomatic living space... but we need to replace the engine with... um, a backup life support system, sure.
  Oh, yeah, and the comms on that shuttle, don't function... due to.... ions.
- This ship would be like Gilligan's Island in space.
  Yes, I'd like to order 8 seasons please.
  
  And a spin-off that will ultimately be recieved poorly, be canceled after two seasons, and then slowly gain popularity as people realize it's not actually bad, they just wanted something else at the time.
  ... Too on the nose?
- If Broccoli didn't have to compete for the position of chief engineer, he'd have the confidence to do an excellent job.
  
  Uh, the man was possessed and put the entire Enterprise at the mercy of an alien race. That's at least first officer material.

Keiko would make a good chef, I think. She has experience with different kinds of cuisine.
Of course, she may not personally enjoy cooking some things, like a traditional Irish breakfast... But she would still make it taste good for the people who do like it (while constantly trying to get them to try literally anything else that's healthy)
And neelix knows how to be serious when it's needed. He would enjoy slam poetry and baking classes in an out-of-the-way area, but the moment the red alert is sounded, he's ready to go with a phaser in hand, and memories of the war.
I'll pass on The Sisko being my enemy. I do not want him to be my enemy. I choose life. He can live with it
- Yeah so far the only person who's tried her cooking is O'Brien and he's just a grump about food.
  
  Oh, you don't have to tell me about O'Brien and his moods....
  And don't ask what's in the buffers...
- Odo as chef is a better option

Just to confirm, that's Pah Wraith Keiko and not "were on a break" Keiko, right?
- There's a difference?
- By all accounts Keiko does fine with the replicator. I'd put Riker in the kitchen - only Worf liked his cooking.
  
  Pretty sure that was less "Riker can't cook" and more "this unknown alien egg should be a perfect substitute for earth chicken egghhhhhhugghhhhh."
- Meh I'd just swap Neelix and Keiko once we get away from star base and I think this is a crew I can work with. Well except for the fact that The Sisko is hunting us, that's gonna be the end sooner or later.
  
  Sisko is in the federation, how extreme could his actions be?

In truth, if I am captain everyone is fubar!

The first time we hear Neelix say "Well, hello Mister armed intruder" we'll either learn it was a surprisingly smart choice, or we'll need a new chief of security.
He does wear a red dicky under his smock, so I think he counts as a red shirt.
- Neelix may have seemed like a bumbling fool, but yeah, he would be a solid choice as security officer. He had years of training under Tuvok, and actually ran point on quite a few of the stranger episodes in the later half of the series.
  He rescued the crew a handful of times. So yeah. Neelix is a solid choice for security chief.
  He'd perform there far better than as a diplomat. It seems like half the major conflicts the Voyager got into were because of Neelix. The rest were squarely on Janeway.

I would watch this.

Captain "I can live with a little bit of old fashioned massmurder" is the enemy? I give up. Just disintegrate me now.

this made me want a show that's like Seinfeld but for the ship's counselor

If I could only make one change to this crew, I would jetison Keiko out an airlock.
- Right? Neelix can cook and be head of security at the same time
  
  Sounds like a job for Tuvix

My opening salvo would be firing neelix out of a torpedo tube. Hopefully that will distract them long enough for me to detonate my own warp core and hopefully take them with us.

At least you'll eat healthy.

i never expected to still have such a visceral reaction to tgn twain, like if i ever hated anyone, it's him and judge judy
- That voice...

Swap Kurn and Adami. I think that would be scarier.
- First contact managed by Kurn begins with a fight to test their worthiness, followed by a barrel of blood wine.
  
  Kurn would open diplomatic talks with a volley of photon torpedoes. If they survive the initial klingon hello and he likes the cut of their jib then, and only then, do the tests of worthiness begin.
  Cetacean ops has been converted to a bloodwine vat for optimal diplomatic relations.
  
  The barrel of bloodwine is also a test of worthiness, since we learn in that episode of SNW that a bloodwine hangover is sufficient punishment for stealing a starship with Carol Kane.
- My thoughts exactly. Half the crew would rather jettison themselves out the airlock than go to Winn with a minor issue.