Final days as a G*mer?
Final days as a G*mer?
I'm not sure what my point is for documenting this, or for documenting this here. Apparently it is of some importance to me because I can't seem to focus on anything else. Maybe this isn't the right comm for this? If so, let me know and I'll move/remove.
Like a lot of people, I picked up some new habits and routines during the COVID pandemic lockdown, some good and some were coping mechanisms. The two categories were not as brightly defined at the time, there's nothing wrong with coping during periods of stress. I often joke that before pandemic, I was a 185 lbs rock-climbing vegan. Now I'm basically none of those things. What I am though, is a gamer. Before covid I would play video games, sometimes quite frequently, but never so much that I became actually good at anything I played. This has changed.
Since the beginning of covid, I have played Bloodborne for something like 1700 hours, Destiny 2 for about 1600 hours, and logged probably around 1000 hours in Monsterhunter World and Rise combined. I have friends who were also in lockdown playing a lot of videogames and interacting on discord, though this has mostly fallen off and I have gamed mostly solo for about the last year or so. Last year when I finally lost interest in Destiny 2, I started up playing Bloodborne again. I joined the 
huntersbell community on discord, and helped new players navigate the difficult that, and vibing with veteran players. After less than two months, having completed at least 6 or 7 full playthroughs, including 3 full runs of the optional story chalice dungeons, I became annoyed with the discord server because soulsborne players can be really toxic, left and put the game away shortly after. Haven't played it since this past week.
There was definitely a part of me that misses playing games with good friends. One of the reasons I have so much time in a mostly single-player story, is because the coop was the way I and two other friends spent time. Every day. For hours. The same is true of Destiny 2 and I only played for another season or 2 after a good friend dropped off, and then another. I didn't pick up Bloodborne again a week ago to be social, but it wasn't long before I had rejoined the huntersbell server to try and pick up some games. So I assume I was after some of these feelings of comeraderie. The fact that I was coping with covid, and was feeling antsy after finally finishing MHR and wanting something familiar to play, also contributed I believe.
Well last night I was playing and in that server, when a few of the veteran members pounced on me for seemingly no reason (giving inaccurate/incomplete advice while in the middle of typing it all out.) The whole thing made me so turned off I don't really want to go back at all. Not just to the discord server, but to that game or really any game ever again. There is a finality that I feel and almost a mourning. Although it could all be fake and I'll be back again in a week. I don't know. I can feel the pieces inside of me shifting and reorienting. Its scary because when I feel like this I usually end up with a whole new, multi-years long, absolutely convinced that I'm right and justified, way of looking at the world. If I gave up g*ming I would be fine, and I could stand to smoke a lot less weed too. But I'm afraid to.lose other things, like my passion for social justice, my will and ability to organize, etc.,
I'm neurodivergent (an neurodivergent communist, imagine that) so I simultaneously rely on the specialness of my brain while being extremely skeptical of my abilities in some areas. That skepticism is expressing as worry, and nothing else. I don't have time to have a crisis about videogames ffs but here we are.
Thanks Hexbear comrades.
You do what makes you happy, if gaming isn’t bringing you joy anymore, then don’t feel obligated to keep it around. However, based on your post it sounds like it’s not so much the games themselves that’s your issue, it’s the social sphere surrounding them. Like you enjoy gaming when it’s with your friends, but that’s fallen off, which happens to a lot of us as we age, and the online community is too full of “imma serious
” tryhard types to be enjoyable. Maybe single player games would work for you, but you could also find gaming dull without the social aspect. If that’s the case, may be best to put it aside and only come back if you find a new core of IRL friends to game with.Thanks. Yeah I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about any of it, since that really is like my default it seems. There's something where, during pandemic lockdown, that virtual socializing was basically all anyone got which had a lot of unusual effects on myself and others, since something like a discord server is at best semi-social or quasi-social. But then, when I go back to those spaces post-lockdown, after having lots of IRL social experiences over the last 12 months or whatever, going back to those places expecting a social experience is thwarted because my standards for what is social has improved. Also the people who are on there are a lot of the same people, so to some extent they may not have moved on.
I had to put a quits to most online games where you can't pause (mostly due to getting married, rescuing a cat, then rescuing a dog). Now, I play single player games almost exclusively and I can tell my mental health is better. Online "gamer" communities are incredibly toxic, especially for competitive games like League of Legends or Overwatch (🤮). It really sounds like the communities you were a part of where shit.
I've got 2000+ hours in Slay the Spire, mostly during covid. Something that the freedom of pausing taught me was that you can simply stop when you aren't having fun. Like, I'll get these moments of clarity where I think "Huh, this isn't enjoyable right now". I save my game and walk away.
Playing games is less of a default. Its now something I do when I really want to do it.
I still play with my friends sometimes, but we schedule time throughout the week for it. We are doing a Baldurs Gate 3 playthrough and we play on Sunday and Tuesday nights.
I can relate to a lot of this and taking a break could help
Most fandoms in general can be pretty toxic, especially gamers which is why I tend to avoid them like the plague (still kinda blows my mind how many MGS fans are straight up chuds all these years later)
I quit playing Souls games for a few years before Elden Ring for a different reason. First my dog was old and sick and I noticed she would flinch anytime she heard any of the metal sounds from the game like the clanging of swords (From's excellent sound design was a double edged sword here) so I stopped playing immediately for her, then I was just too sad for over a year to return
So I assume I was after some of these feelings of comeraderie.
This is the part I that really resonates with me, that's exactly why I love co-op with randos
Do what you have to for yourself and if you ever do come back to gaming maybe shoot me a message because I still suck at Bloodbourne and would really appreciate some help getting past the first boss but maybe take a break for now and see how you feel
Yeah I think a break is a good idea. I'm an energetic person, my mind is active, my hands love to fidget. Videogames is great because it can be very technical and challenging but also it takes no actual physical exercise. My mind can focus on the goals of the game rather than what it does most of the time. Its a real nice break every once in a while. And to do it with friends is the best of all possible worlds.
Moderation, however, is the thing that kills me every time.
I'd love to take you through bloodborne! I'll def take you up on that if I decide to get back on!
Gaming sucks these days. They're basically designed to be as addictive as possible (game devs call this "engagement loop"). Fuck that. Some are more shameless about it (ie gacha games) than others, but those game design principles leak to other genres so that eventually, even single player games have that addictive bullshit.
I think the Discord server being shitty to you is a fortunate wakeup call for you, and you should use this window of opportunity to drop the controller and move on with your life. I have a related experience to you where for a while, I actually had a coworker who had the same exact taste in games as I did. I thought it would be huge in breaking the ice since we have so much in common in terms of gaming, but no, the conversations stayed as shallow as with my other coworkers who I have nothing in common. In retrospect, it was silly to believe having the same exact taste in entertainment was supposed to lead somewhere meaningful.