Just a thought process that led me into thinking too much about who I actually am…
Just a thought process that led me into thinking too much about who I actually am…
(First time posting here, hi you cuties ^^/)
For context, I am 18 MtF but don’t have any medication yet because of the local healthcare system. To add to that, while I am in therapy, I’m afraid to talk to my therapist about this because I will need a confirmation from him that says that I can have HRT to actually get HRT. This puts me into this weird place where I very much should talk to my therapist about it but also shouldn’t because it might hinder me from getting hormones (I hate this system). Of course, I don’t want to replace my therapist with you, I just want some of your thoughts and experiences with this.
Long story short, pretty much everyone I’ve ever heard talk about this has always said that there is a difference between attraction and gender envy. The only issue is, this line doesn’t really exist for me.
If I think someone is cute, I can never really differentiate between the feeling of “I wish I was this cute” or “I wish they would hug me / I could hug them”. What makes all of this even more complicated is that I am very much unsure about my sexuality. Since the thought of sexual interactions actually kinda disgust me, I guess I’m ace? But then again, I also kinda feel an attraction to more feminine presenting people? Yet I am also open for any other, or no gender at all? And more importantly, is this feeling of wanting to be someone I think is cute just from me hating myself? Does that mean that I’m not trans? And why are other trans people saying that there is a difference?
Does anyone of you also struggle to find this line between attraction and gender envy? If yes, what does this feel for you? And if no, what are your thoughts on this?
PS.: You shouldn’t feel the need to validate me. The last thing I want is to be stuck in some sort of echo-chamber. If what you read, makes you think I’m not trans then please please please tell me so.
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Medical gatekeeping sucks. I'm sorry you feel like you can't be honest about yourself. Consider this, you said if you tell your therapist the wrong thing, it could jeopardize access to HRT... that is your main concern. I feel like that alone is a major indicator of your identity. You seem to know your hormones are wrong.
AGP (autogynophilia) is a debunked pseudo-scientific theory. I see that it still exists in your doubts. The notion that trans women exist because we are sexually attracted to women is just wrong lol. That doesn't happen. Unfortunately there are still therapists out there who follow their "feelings" and outdated approaches that are not recommended by WPATH SoC. If you have such a therapist, find another.
People are only telling you that sexual orientation and gender identity are different things, which is the modern scientific understanding. That doesn't mean that you can't be a woman who also finds women and feminine people attractive. You definitely can! Your sexual/romantic attraction implies nothing about your gender.
It's OK to be uncertain about your sexuality. You're only 18! At 18, I was super homophobic and repressed any possibly non-hetero attractions. Now at 40, I know that I am pansexual, with a strong preference for feminine people (but not exclusively). Also I'm demisexual and most likely poly. But it took decades to figure this out.
It's OK to be uncertain about your gender. Have you tried possible affirmations, like a preferred name, pronouns, clothes? How did you feel?
The whole tone of your post reads like a trans woman who is scared to do something or learn something that invalidates her. But we are all different. Even if 100 trans people agree on one thing, that doesn't make it universal.
You are valid.
I'm luckily at a therapist that specializes in LGBT topics so I hope that my concerns are for nothing anyways. Oh how I wish I could just turn off attraction.
AGP (autogynophilia) is a debunked pseudo-scientific theory. I see that it still exists in your doubts.
What's even scarier is that I didn't even know that this was an official thing. So the existence of this was in my head without knowing what it was. Scary shit... Thank you for telling me this.
I'm not super stressed about finding out my sexuality anyways. I seriously have bigger fish to fry for the time being.
Have you tried possible affirmations, like a preferred name, pronouns, clothes? How did you feel?
I've tried a lot of things, actually. I mostly go by my chosen name (which feels kinda good), my chosen pronouns (which doesn't feel bad but it's kinda weird) and wearing affirming clothes feels fucking awesome.
a trans woman who is scared to do something or learn something that invalidates her.
I hate to say this but this is uncomfortably accurate...
Thank you tho c:
Hey I've been there. Not so long ago, I would be on reddit asking variations of "am I really trans?"
And everyone would be like "LOLyes", and I would be like "hmmmok if you say sooo"
I would never, ever, ever go back to testosterone. Estrogen is making my body complete. Even if the rest of my life is a dumpster fire sometimes, I can still love my body <3
My bigger fish to fry? Loneliness and social anxiety. I got the sex and gender bit outta the way. Onto the next challenge.
Hell yeah sister, mission socializing is a go!