Bipolar Disorder

How is everyone doing? All topics welcome!

I am still manic so please forgive me but I am on the comedown. I just wrote 3 pages in Word trying to tell my story but I couldn't express myself correctly so I'll boil it down. I've been manic for up to the last month and a half or was manic, crashed and am manic again. I tried to kill myself 13 days ago using (a fuckton of) pills. I very nearly succeeded. I am home and healing. Yesterday my sister was listening to me talk and broke the spell by just asking "have you considered you might be manic?". For the first time in 40 years I acknowledged that, yes, I was manic, it explained nearly everything very neatly and that meant I was actually bipolar. I am ready to heal.

While I've been out of the hospital, I was asked by my wife if this was her fault "do you not want to be with me?", we've been together more than half my life, "no, I'm sorry you thought that, I didn't want to be with me."

I've been unpacking why, trying to direct my energy to something productive instead of the constant masturbation and weed smoking I want to do.

(With the help of others) I've began to understand. When I was a kid I used to bleach and dye my hair, I would wear cut-offs, fishnets, Doc Martens, running around with green hair and a band tee (I'm a cis-man BTW). I got made fun of. I conformed for my own comfort, I eventually entered the service, and when I got out I continued masking for 17 years until I exploded.

I've always let through little bits of my true personality, when it was time for new sun glasses a few years ago I got the largest pair of aviators I could find in the store and made sure they were gold with the darkest tint available. I have an affinity for the loudest shoes I can find, I have a pair of brooks that are bright yellow, at work, people call them my tennis-ball sneakers. Once or twice a week I like to wear magenta scrubs (I get made fun of and the next day I come back in blue or gray), I used to parade around my house in skirts I picked up at the thrift-store and I "joked" with my wife that when we renew our vows, I get to wear the dress. (Did I mention I'm cis? I promise I am). But I've never owned it and let my freak flag fly, I've always protected my feelings, stuck in my own head "what will people think?" has been my mantra.

That nearly killed me. So I acknowledged who I really am, I shaved my wild, unkempt beard, I got my left ear piercing re-done and had my right ear done to match, I dyed my hair a lurid blue. I have not gotten any tattoos though I now know that, in the future when I have the money, I will. I don't currently have plans to cross dress again, that may have been a phase or not but if I want to in the future, guess who's going skirt shopping?

When I made my attempt I was a broken man in his early 40s with nothing I could see to live for, when I return to work, I will be a broken man in his early 40s with a future. When I go back it will be in my magenta scrubs, with my tennis-ball yellow shoes, my blue hair, and my piercings. Fuck what people think.

I'm (hopefully) done guarding my feelings, masking my true self, a peacock who wants to be the prettiest princess at the ball. I have a lot to work through with my counselor but I'm excited for that, I am now on a path of discovery and I'm excited to re-discover who I truly am.

And, for the record, when my wife and I renew our vows, I get to wear the dress.

How are you doing? All topics welcome!

just a nice chart I came across from yt vid by Brooke Miller

How are you doing? All topics welcome!

How are you doing? All topics welcome!

How are you doing? All topics welcome!

I just noticed the pills changed a bit, and instead of a 20 printed on one side, it's now a 25. I called the pharmacist and they said that it was changed and they don't know why.

Much more worryingly, I seem to be experiencing increased side effects since I started taking it a few days ago.

I'm curious if anyone else is taking these pills, and if you're noticing anything different?

How are you doing? All topics are on the table. Rant away!

How are you doing? All topics, rant away!

Make sure you watch your labels. My Dr changed the individual lamictal MG from four 100mg, to two 200mg. No one told me, and I didn't notice and ended up taking 800mg for a week. I ended up in the emergency room with the inability to see properly, and couldn't keep myself standing. So yeah, I overdosed on twice the maximum dosage, which damn near killed me - all because my Dr randomly changed my prescription and no one told me about it. Maybe I should have noticed, but I had the same prescription for the last 6 years.

So my point is, don't be like me, make sure you read your labels. It could be your life, and a lot of pain and fear if you're not observant

I’ve been on Geodon for over four years now. At first it was great, but TD symptoms started about a year ago and now I’m getting EPS too. I think it’s time for a switch up. I’ve heard good things about Vraylar and Abilify, anyone else have experience? Seroquel is great for sleeping but the daytime zombiness is no good. I gained 15 pounds in a month on Xyprexa, will never do that again either.

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Let us know how you are doing! Any topic goes. We are here for you!

Let us know how you are doing. Anything goes! We are here for you. ❤️

Share anything! We are here for you!

Share anything, we are here for you!

I was diagnosed with cyclothymia years ago. I am usually very stable although on rare occasions I push myself and I become hypomanic. It's caused by not sleeping at home for a few weeks and my herniated discs start acting up. Bonus if I am social and am having a good time. I have decided to seek professional help so I can have meds available next time it occurs however I'm 14 days out from seeing anyone. For now, it is very difficult to shut down my brain to sleep. I've been trying calming music, exercise, meditation and it's helpful but not enough. I took ltheanine, magnesium, valerian root and benedryl last night and even after that my synapses were firing so fast it took me hours to fall asleep. I've been getting 5-6 hours of sleep each night, which is good for me compared to past times.

Any advice? Thank you

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Feel free to share any topic you like!

Please share what's happening with you. Any topic goes!

Please share whatever you feel like sharing, whether it's bipolar-related or not.

Share what you like! We are here to support each other!

Hi, everyone! As always, feel free to share whatever you feel you want to share. We are here to support each other!

Please share whatever you feel like sharing. We are here to support each other!

How is everyone doing this week? Share what you like. 😁

I've been in therapy for 10 years, and with my current therapist for 4 of them. I love him and he's great, and don't get me wrong therapy is a life saver, but I recently hung out with a childhood friend and we talked about some deep things. My therapist is a pro and doesn't offer advice other than helping perspective shifts, but my friend made some observations and suggestions that hit home. He just straight up said "huh, it sounds like you should call your mom more" and "you know, I see what you do and I don't think the weed has been stopping your productivity, but if it's in the way of happiness you need to do what you need to do" (my big thing with weed was I would kick myself for not getting shit done while high).

I realized I haven't really opened up much to friends and partners, primarily because I'd say "I'll just hold this for therapy". Way long ago I dated someone who was very "I'm not your therapist, please leave that for Tuesday", and I kinda kept that. It's easy for me to talk to someone who doesn't know anyone in my life and I trust will be neutral, but at the same time I have had trouble communicating with people in my outside life.

I dunno, just was a thought.

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