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I (35f) think I need to end my relationship to (35m) but he's in mental health crisis
  • Thanks, I think you put that perfectly.

    I am anxious that I am being selfish, that this could resolve if he just had more time, that maybe I've not fought long or hard enough.

    I know it's not any of these things... But yeah, I don't have the confidence in myself right now.

  • I (35f) think I need to end my relationship to (35m) but he's in mental health crisis
  • Thank you so much for sign posting me to this. There's a meeting local to me on Monday and I'll definitely be going along.

    He's not ready to acknowledge he's an alcoholic (I've said I believe he is, he disagrees, I've said that doesn't change that I believe he is, etc.). And I know you cannot change something you're not ready to admit is real. I truly hope he manages to get the help he needs following this.

  • I (35f) think I need to end my relationship to (35m) but he's in mental health crisis
  • Just to clarify, I don't believe he would threaten to hurt himself (in a "I'll kill myself I'm so sad" sort of way). I think he'd unintentionally hurt himself via alcohol.

    His family are very conservatively minded when it comes to mental health, very much "suck it up" and "it's your own fault" and essentially "we don't talk about our emotions because that's uncomfortable". Being subject to this attitude has very much resulted in the person he is now (which breaks my heart, but it was the same for me tbf). There's also issues there in general right now, and they don't have the capacity to support him.

    I can hope his friends make an effort this time to support him, but I'm not optimistic. I can't reach out to them, and anyway they're of the opinion that he doesn't have an issue (because they don't see it). They'll enable him as much as I already do.

  • I (35f) think I need to end my relationship to (35m) but he's in mental health crisis
  • No don't worry, I know you're not trying to be mean. Honestly, there's nothing quite like the input that internet strangers with limited context can give you, to make you step back and go "huh yeah that's what I would think if I heard this".

    I know he's an alcoholic. I've said as much to him many times before (he does not think he's an alcoholic, and I've pointed out that of course he wouldn't). I've also vocalised that I would like for him to seek help, but understand he won't be able to do that until he acknowledges there's a problem and is ready to address it.

    But honestly reading your post has be realising that, while I can logically and rationally know that he is an alcoholic, I've not reconciled that with my emotional knowledge yet. I'll bring that up with my therapist when I see them next, as acknowledging both my rational and emotional brain is something I struggle with.

    If I dig deep, I think part of me does know that I've tacitly enabled it (partially through fear of not 'winning' over the choice of me or alcohol, partially because of social conditioning from the very unique area we live in essentially normalising it). And realistically yes, he will not change, because the pub is his "safe space" (I wish I was kidding but he's actually said this).

  • I (35f) think I need to end my relationship to (35m) but he's in mental health crisis
  • I have literally never thought about it like that. I've always kinda assumed that emotions as transactions are inherently bad (part of the reason I'm in therapy XD).

    But honestly... No, I'm not sure I've believed him to be trustworthy for a while, because the evidence doesn't point towards that (e.g. his lack of follow through on pretty much everything).

    I appreciate the food for thought, and will examine this in myself more.

  • I (35f) think I need to end my relationship to (35m) but he's in mental health crisis
  • A person who is freezing to death because they refused to put on a coat is in crisis, but that doesn't make it your responsibility to light yourself on fire in order to keep them warm.

    So I guess the thing is that I made a choice to continue fighting, meanwhile he made a choice to essentially bury his head in the sand (both on our shared issues and his personal ones)?

    I actually don't think he's consciously aware of it, but I guess that doesn't matter. He still has a duty to stop and introspect (and actually listen to what I've been trying to tell him).

    Thanks, appreciate the insight and input.

  • I (35f) think I need to end my relationship to (35m) but he's in mental health crisis

    My BF (35M) and I (35F) met 3 years ago and were almost instantly, madly in love. We had a great 6 months where he was all the usual things.

    Lockdown relaxed more and suddenly he'd almost always be in the pub if not with me. He started a new (high stress, high risk) job and I got quickly de-prioritised as the pub was closer to him than my apartment. With my discontent growing he asked me to move in with him as a gesture of his commitment, but his pub visits quickly escalated and any free time at home was napping to go back out to the pub a second time, or just passing out. Conversations were had, justifications were made... But in August 2022, I hit catastrophic burnout due to a number of factors, and he was no where to be seen. I found him passed out on the flooring after a night of drinking and took his phone - found out he blamed me for his unhappiness and his friends were encouraging him to go after a co-worker instead.

    We separated for a while. He took a number of steps to address his behaviour, reduced drinking, got a new job, sought help for his mental health etc. and we reconciled a few months later. I have been much more open about my feelings, needs, and expectations. But now once again, he doesn't feel present in our relationship at all. I have given him as much time, space, compassion and love as I can, but I've become emotionally spent and it's [finally] become clear I cannot rely on this person to support me.

    I've initiated a number of conversations about this in the last couple of months. I've recommended ways we can work on our relationship, and I've been supportive of his intentions to try new things to reduce his reliance on alcohol (he's not actually pursued any of these yet). I've also questioned whether this relationship is right for him (he insists so). But... He's stopped his medication, he again frequently heads to the pub straight after work, and there is no intimacy or desire at all.

    This week I told him I'd started to mourn our relationship (I'd explained this to him previously and that mourning usually is the point of no return). He didn't say anything for a while, and eventually I had to prompt him to get ready for work. We haven't spoken about it since, as he's having an extremely miserable time at work right now, there's a bunch of awful family stuff happening, and I don't know how to bring it up without mentally overwhelming him.

    The breakup will bring extreme financial hardship to both of us (I can afford rent alone, but barely). I'm also concerned he'll escalate his drinking again, or that he'll hurt himself (unintentionally through the drink). He's been insistent through our conversations that he loves me and that I am enough. I feel like I'm trying to shield and protect him from further mental anguish even now, even while I cry myself to sleep at night when the loneliness consumes me. I'm still here coddling him while I break apart.

    How do I do this? How can I find the 'right' time? I'm terrified and heart broken.

    __

    Some things to note: I'm also having an awful time at work, I do 80% of the domestic labour, and I am chronically ill. I've been in therapy since January to unpick my belief that the happiness of others always supercedes my own. I'm in pain and I see him in distress and don't know how to balance "everyone deserves love and support when they are struggling" with "you have not supported me and I cannot dedicate any further time and energy on you", because to me the latter seems transactional (again, trying to undo this!). I'm just so tired.

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