Tamsin @ Tamsin @lemmy.blahaj.zone

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3 mo. ago

God yes. For years and years these were considered the “bad thoughts” and should not be examined more closely.
Shameful fantasies of a happier life… sigh

I had my first laser treatment last week, really looking forward to the time when I don't need my razor anymore (or at least a lot less often).

I never really tried putting all of this in a list before. It’s always just random stuff popping up when I think about this. Some of these memories are over 30 years old. And I repressed a lot of them.
So this is just a short list. There’s more, but some of it is too personal for me to share.

• Having a phase where I tried wearing masculine office wear (but no ties) and feeling very out of place.
• Never shaving my beard, because I don’t want to see what’s underneath. Using it as a mask to hide behind.
• Hating the general shape of my body
• Feeling very out of place in all-male groups.
• Feeling very in place when spending time with the few female friends that I did have.
• Internally wincing at being called handsome
• Looking enviously at my wife as she squeezes herself in a tight pair of pants, making me wish I didn’t have to deal with all that dangling stuff between my legs.
• Being very involved with helping my wife pick out clothes.
• Playing an online game under a female persona. Pretending* to be a girl and really enjoying my interactions with everyone. Making a few female friendships that felt genuine and made me happy. And then deleting the whole account for feeling guilty because I believed I was deceiving others :(
• Writing a game module in my teens, wherein all the adventurers were turned into women by a wizard’s curse. And dropping it after a couple of hours when I realize having six women try out different dresses doesn’t make for an exciting fantasy adventure (and was getting uncomfortably close to a truth that I wasn’t ready to face)
• Thinking how nice it would’ve been if I were a lesbian instead.
• Trying out pantyhose and wearing it under my pants when I was a teenager. (Weird when under pants, better on its own when I was home alone :) )
• Also in my teens, fantasizing an entire alternate life as a girl when I was lying in bed.
• Feeling strangely positive when a girl in my class said that I walk like a girl.
• And of course, always choosing a female character when playing games. (With a whole bunch of other in-game activities that could form a list of it’s own)

That’s true :)
But you can overcome your username, I believe in you!

Same here, I really appreciate the posts. But I wouldn't know where to start if I had to post something myself.
Memes are not exactly something I'm good at.
Though I guess it couldn't hurt if I left some more comments instead of just lurking.

It is!
Like, this is what baby trucks look like before they grow up :)

I mean, I can't argue with the little girl though, I like that tall thin glass better as well.
Add a fun straw and some decorations and I'm all in.

I don't know, I figured crossing fingers is what you do to hope for a good outcome. So... doing it twice is double effect?
And I'm afraid I'll forget when the time is actually there... I tend to forget a lot.. So, let's just say that this way works best of all :)

Aw, you're most welcome ❤️ And thanks for clarifying. I'm keeping the fingers on my other hand crossed as well now!
(It'll make my typing difficult, but sacrifices must be made! :)

Very best of luck to you!!
I don't know what's going to happen but I'll keep my fingers crossed for you :)

I still remember playing Vampire the Masquerade Bloodlines. Seeing those slender elegant fingers (my* fingers) picking a lock gave me such a good feeling that I can still recall it up to today.
Of course back then I was totally oblivious and didn't understand where that feeling came from.

It’s a female version of my birth name, it can be shortened to Tam which is fun, plus I think it sounds cute.

Now if only I were able to actually use it, sigh…