This little fuck just climbed on my bed and immediately pissed on it

I have two dogs (a big one and a little one) and some training from a dog trainer. There's no "getting even" with dogs. If you pee on their bed, they won't care. They'll smell it, and because their sense of smell is drastically more evolved than ours, they'll figure out what you ate a couple of meals ago and what you're current mood is. They will not interpret your pee as an act of vengeance.

There's no punishment you can give. Instead, you need to hack dogs' psychology (which is easy, actually) and train them to pee outdoors only. The way you do this is to by POSITIVE motivation. Each time they pee outdoors, give them a treat. You have about ~2 seconds to give them that treat though, so keep treats in your pocket at all times. Treats you know they like.

What will happen is that they'll pee exactly where you want them to pee to get the treat. It takes multiple times, but they'll make the connection. They just want the treat. Only after they've made the appropriate connection between peeing where you want and getting a reward can you begin then to not always give them the treat. Instead, affirm with a simple "good boy" and maybe a pet. Slowly (over weeks) retreat the reward until you're just giving a verbal "good boy". And maybe not even every time.

What they will do is just pee outside because "that's the way they always do it". That's it. That's all their brains will tell them. And they might bark or ask to go outside even when they need to go because, in their heads, it's "weird" to go inside. It's not what they did the last 20 times so they don't want to.

Anyway. Take it from a random person on the Internet: punishment won't be effective. Just hack your dog's love of food and love of routine. Keep it positive and you'll, eventually, receive the fruits of your labor.