My kid knows I'm irritable since I quit smoking so he's mocking me by pretend smoking smarties in the house and I don't know how to punish him.

Make him smoke the entire pack of smarties

Why punish him? He's showing you a fraction of how awful it is to live with a smoker. Take the hint, hug him and stay quit. -ex-smoker

I already took away the fortnite but he said that game sucks and is for zoomers. My son is 11.

Torture him by making him watch shows/movies with nudity on screen, while being in the same room.
- If this is the route you want to take, go with 40 yr old virgin. Otherwise pick another movie that'll give him 2nd hand embarrassment like Beverly Hills Ninja. Or, if he starts smoking weed, show him the good stuff and make him hit a fat ass dab (please use proper judgement, that shit can hurt and it feels like you can't breathe if you fuck up)

read a random NYT article with him

Hug him and cherish him while he's alive and tell him to never to do Glade plugins.

something tells me that the big smell industry is planting these trends
- My quest for revenge against this vile industry began at my dead wife's funeral when I found a rose mysteriously left at her freshly compacted burial plot with the note "If you seek justice, follow your nose."

Pretend go to the store for a pack of cigarettes and come back in 10 years. That'll show him.

You make him smoke that entire package of smarties in front of you.

Alternatively, it's a bit outdated, but 1 day blinding stew.

Make him smoke an entire carton of cigarettes

EDIT: wait that's a ton of money these days

Make him start smoking. He'll hate that in 50 years.

That'll teach him

Feed him a soup that makes him blind for a day, a one day blinding soup will remind him who's in charge

Ah, fuck 't. That looks so relaxing, I'm lighting up again

go outside and mime smoking a cigarette. take deep breaths, hold in that fresh air, pretend to knock the ash off the the imaginary stick -- really sell it; make your kid feel like he sabotaged your attempt to quit.

Develop a cough. Tell him you're going to the doctor and come back with a grave expression. Tell him the doctor diagnosed you with lung cancer.
- Traumatize your child for life
Have you been speaking to my mother? Because I sure haven’t.
- Ruth is a real riot when you get to know her

Permanently Deleted

I would reccomend filing a large class action lawsuit against smarties and also slap a large vice tax on the smarties.

How could Mr. Softie do this!?

based and smartie pilled

um akshually smarties are tablets, not pills

You have a kid?

He's very soft and small with a tail.
- Tell him he's a good boy

Tell him that smarties aren't made to be smoked, then force him to eat a carton of cigarettes

Remind him that when you were a kid, there were many differences in your life compared to his experiences.

Then make him sit there while you rank them by how "based" each childhood memory was and how he's missing out.

Honestly your kid is based

Start smoking a necco wafer roll cigar around the house.

Ok wait like a box of Smarties? I'm confused how you could make Smarties look remotely like a cigarette

In the US "smarties" are these little chalk flavored sugar discs that come rolled up in plastic in little sticks. I understand in Europe "smarties" are like candy-shelled chocolates or something?
- Canada btw
- Yep. In many countries Smarties are similar to M&Ms but larger.
Like a roll of Smarties, the pastel colored sugar discs. There's a different kind of Smarties that are made with chocolate that come in boxes.
- I see now that smarties are a different thing in the US and we would call those rockets
  
  I get it now thanks

Tell him it looks like he needs a light and then set the end on fire.

Simple, eat all the Smarties.

Snatch the smarties out of his hands, then grind them up and snort a line of them in front of him

lt-dbyf-dubois

you need to get your son addicted to cigarettes, and then take them away

The Austrian Empire got a big part of its revenue from taxes on tobacco. So when the Italian parts of the Austrian empire wanted to protest against Austria they resorted to a boycott of tobacco. The commander of the Imperial regiments stationed in Italy wanted to get it over with quickly and instructed all his soldiers to smoke in front of the Italians hoping that one of would get mad and start something that would justify a crackdown.

pretend to roll around in catnip while he watches

Then give him some scritches ❤️ that'll show him.

What are non Canada smarties again? For us it's the same as M&Ms

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smarties_(tablet_candy)

They are like Pez but without the dispenser gimmick (and disk-shaped)
- We call them Rockets here

Blender