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The people "struggling" to read this need to go back to children's books. This is entirely readable.
There are too many commas and the phrasing is awkward. The first and last two commas are grammatically incorrect.
Removing those commas only makes it the more awkward. Don't apply for editing jobs.
Grammar isn't a matter of opinion, and incorrect grammar doesn't make anything less awkward. We're not talking about Oxford commas, these are just wrong.
Not discussing opinions, keep up.
no it's a mess
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