2y ago

When You're Feeling Low, Just Remember I'll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years

www.theonion.com

My friends, everybody has their down days, and during these long winter months it is especially easy to succumb to the doldrums and find yourself in a bit of a funk. But not to fear! I have a simple tip that’s guaranteed to pick you up and get you back in good spirits in no time, and here it is: Whenever you’re…

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The Onion, if you're reading this, you have to be prepared at a moment's notice to publish a follow-up to this article, from the same author, which simply says, "I'm finally dead."
- "Thanks for waiting?"
- Can that day be today? Pretty please?
That's very generous. Frankly I'm surprised he is still alive with the shape he is in and his dietary habits.
- I didn't realize what a violent man he was until he became President. It makes it even more surprising that he's lasted this long. Often, violent people meet violent ends.
  Now I am hoping that he doesn't meet any violent end because he deserves to die of old age in prison. Any other outcome is robbing the American people of justice.
  
  Not to mention that if he drops dead of a massive stroke tomorrow the Qanon crowd will never ever shut the fuck up with conspiracy nonsense.
  
  These violent delights have violent ends.
This was published 10 years ago so I guess it's 5-10 years now?
- What a pleasant twist!
- Still way too long.
Kinda funny this was written in 2013 and three short years later he became president. That's like being told the shittiest person in your life is leaving town but instead they crash your car and win the lottery
- Yeah, the bits about how we'd find his mental decline "by 2020" comforting were a bit too on the nose. Maybe we would've, if he wasn't the goddamn president in 2020.
You're all deceiving yourselves. $20 says it's Henry Kissinger all over again. But don't worry, all your friends and family will keep dropping like flies. Maybe I should go to bed.
- kissinger survives as a head in a jar for at least another thousand years.
  
  Assuming they could figure out the right composition of fluid to pump into the jar so that you could have significantly enhanced mortality like that, would you if it meant only your head?
I hope it’s sooner, couldn’t happen to a man here in America more deserving
- The article was published 10 years ago, if that makes you feel better!
What a cruel world where Mr. Chandler Bong passes in his early 50's and this insufferable bag of garbage and self-absorption is still with us.
- That's Ms. Chanandler Bong to you
There's no way anyone in his family would wait any amount of time to pull the plug.
The only hope I have left is that it’s much, much sooner than that.

25 comments