1mo ago

Am I a dick if I don't want to meet an old friend for coffee if she brings her babies along?

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.wtf/post/22048899

An old friend/aquaintance I've not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she's had two babies by two different guys. They're ~6 months and ~2-3 years.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I'm not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I've frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it's something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she'd be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she'd have to bring the kids along.
I don't want to be a dick but I'm really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They're mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don't really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
AITA? How do I tell her I'm really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?

10 comments

Why not meeting up in a park or anywhere with some attraction to kids? They will still need and have attention, but at least they're not crying. Perhaps she should pick the place, if you communicate assertively about it...
Unless you were 1oo% sure you don't want to be anywhere near kids. Then, that's it...
PS. Do have an pre-made excuse to leave early in case you find things unbearable at some point :P
Not at all. The dick move would be to accept the coffee invitation and waste their time when you’re clearly not interested in being their friend.
NTA
If they're unable to leave their child alone, then yes. Depends on the situation of both individual and the answer is always more complex than this.
I remember posting in that thread earlier, and people were way more understanding
Now the top comments are all dogpiling on the guy for not wanting to hang out with their friend's children.
Sad
- Yeah that's my position too, and as someone who doesn't enjoy children. If so can only see them without their kids, then they only want to be friends with that chapter of that person's life, which is done and over. The choice isn't just coffee but the friendship. You're either still friends, kids included, or you're not and op Moves on to other friends. No wrong answer at all
Frankly, it feels like she's testing you. You mention you've been chatting a while and she might have the urge to test you among her children to see how you interact with them.
There's a good chance she might not fully realize she is doing this.
And it doesn't even mean she looks for a direct change in relationship status.
Her motherly instinct just tells her "here is this guy who seems friendly, but how safe is this for my children?"
So, if you're put off by this and have no interest in her or the circumstances, just let her know gently.
If you blow up on her directly about her kids you'll just upset the mother in her and she might not understand, and you might be seen as the a-hole.
You are only a dick if you hang out with this her, as she clearly wants to reconnect, probably because you're the only adult ATM who could be considered safe to her. If you truly don't, be honest and let her know due to your aversion to children, it's best you don't meetup.
It's okay to have boundaries and to enforce them in a kind way; you'd have a better day by enjoying a hobby you like or drink coffee by yourself.
No you're not being a dick but you won't get an objective answer here
I mean it's understable, but still feels like it lacks empathy from you. She would probably love to hang out without them, but probably can't.

10 comments