LGBTQ+ @beehaw.org Rekhyt @beehaw.org 9 mo. ago

How do I tell someone that a mutual friend is trans without dead naming them?

Context: I am visiting a high school friend. Another friend who we both knew in high school has posted some interesting things recently. This friend has changed their name, but the friend I am visiting is not following them and is not aware of their transition.

How do I bring up this friend without dead naming them?

22 comments

Consider first whether or not this is really your news to share. Maybe the mutual friend would want to come out themselves?

If you feel you must, it’s okay to dead name informationally/correctively. (I.e., “let’s go meet up with Jack” “oh, Jack is Jill now, just so you know!”) It’s bad contextually, like when used to deny the person’s gender identity or transition.
- Regarding your first comment, please see my other reply. I understand not all transitions are straightforward regarding safety but this is not the case here.
  
  Essentially, saying "Do you remember Sarah Morgan?" (negative response) "She used to go by Brett" would generally be acceptable?
  
  I read your other response but this still feels like gossip at this point. Would you want to be gossiped about?
  
  That said, yes, that would be fine. Or since you know the person doesn’t know, you can just say, “Brett Morgan is a woman now; her name is Sarah Morgan.”
  
  How dare you deadname Sarah, the lodge in New Atlantis will hear about this and you'll be excommunicated from Constellation.
When this person comes up in conversation just say something like "oh, I dunno if you heard, but {dead name} transitioned; {he/she/they/etc} go by {chosen name} and use {pronouns}"

That is not a harmful use of their dead name; it's informative and prevents the use of their dead name in the future, since all conversation from that point on will use their chosen name.

(Obviously don't do this if someone is not out publicly, or there are safety concerns)
"Sarah - you probably knew her as Brett? - is doing well!"
Maybe best to ask the friend who has changed their name what they'd prefer you to do?
- To be clear, their transition has been quite public and there is no question of acceptance by this friend. It is simply a circumstance of lives going in different directions that these two people are not actively friends and there is not a safety question.
  
  Edit: I see your edit and obviously this is an easy solution given infinite time, but tends to break the flow of conversation...
  
  I know not all transitions are the same but is there a general rule for this sort of situation.
  
  just use their old name once when introducing the new name
If someone mentions my dead name in the context of letting someone know what my new name is or that I've transitioned, that's fine with me. I'd rather it not be in front of me if at all possible, but if it happens it happens.

What I find a bit more complicated is running into people who don't recognize me. Like, sometimes I want to have them realize who I am, but I also don't want to root my identity in something that didn't fit me and also just has a lot of trauma attached to it. I don't really like saying or acknowledging my old name, not just because it fails to represent who I am, but because of how it's been used by others in the past.

Most people usually recognize me even if it takes a second, so it doesn't come up super often, but it's awkward when it does and I haven't quite figured out how I feel about approaching it.
I agree with the person who said it's generally okay to use the dead name in this particular situation. Either by waiting until the friend you're visiting uses the dead name or by bringing it up yourself with something like "Our friend formerly known as [dead name] is now [new name]". Just try to do it in a private situation and not, like, in a situation where you're in front of a bunch of the friend's coworkers/friends who only know them by the new name.

Or, if you really want to avoid that anyway, you could refer to them in a roundabout way by a recognizable hobby or job or aspect of their appearance, like: "our friend the photographer is now [new name]" or "our friend with the yellow jacket is now [new name]" or similar.

I guarantee you it'd also be safe to ask (if you want to) the mutual friend themself how they'd prefer you do it. They're very unlikely to be offended by a question like that, and it might even make them happy because your asking shows that you're thinking about things like this and respecting their new pronouns/name even when they aren't there.
I'm confused as to why you're thinking so hard about something when half a sentence is all it takes to convey the relevant information.

Is there something specific that you're worried about?
- I just want to respect my friend's transition.
Maybe best to ask the friend who has changed their name what they'd prefer you to do?

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