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sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

I'm a straight guy who wants to be cute, not handsome. Can I still be attractive despite choosing to be unmanly?

I don't fit very well with the idea of masculinity. I'm just a goofy nerd with a gentle personality and the desire to make others happy. I have always wanted to look soft and approachable; I have smooth, rounded facial features, wavy hair, big glasses, and a clean-shaven face. My personality is utterly non-threatening. I love caring for people, I enjoy being silly and whimsical, I'm a bit clumsy and get flustered easily, I wouldn't hurt a fly (unless I had to), and I'm polite to a fault. My paradise is a warm, cozy, quiet safe haven surrounded by cute plushies.

I'm not manly in the slightest, and I love being that way. I'm a total softie through and through, and I purposely align my appearance with my personality. I look gentle because I am gentle.

I have always been treated differently than my male peers. Many people are inexplicably nicer or softer on me even if they barely know me. Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like "cute," "adorable," and "sweetheart," and expressing a desire to protect me. And I love it. I don't find it offensive or infantilizing at all.

Through extensive introspection, I later figured out that care and nurturing are incredibly attractive to me, and the funny tickle I felt whenever I was shown care and protection by my female friends was actually a subtle tinge of attraction. It's rather curious that my personality and gender expression just happened to develop in such a way to subconsciously solicit that kind of attention.

This is all well and good, but I worry that this makes me categorically unsexy due to my intentional suppression of gendered characteristics and desire to give off pure, wholesome vibes. Could I really be sexually desirable if I'm the kind of person who apologizes to trees for bumping into them? Some women have even teasingly called me a "Christian" or "virgin" because of this perceived innocence, suggesting that some people do indeed associate my personality with sexual restraint or abstinence.

In reality, I absolutely do want a sexual relationship, and I have always imagined myself treating a partner with the same gentle caregiving energy that I myself crave. I don't do "naughty" or "dominant"; I would view a partner's body as something to passionately take care of, not something to tease or conquer.

I would appreciate some outside perspective on this. Thanks!

95 comments

  • I fundamentally disagree with your premise. Being caring, vulnerable, gentle is in no way incompatible with being manly. All require a lot of courage, strength, and intelligence. I do not think that manliness should be defined by its most toxic representatives.

    I also heard an interesting take on this: we technically do not have a definition of what “manliness” means, as currently society is built around hating and oppressing women. Boys are told “don’t be a girl”, pretty much - don’t cry, don’t be ‘emotional’, don’t compromise, etc.

    I think you should be grateful that you weren’t indoctrinated into being an abuser and instead managed to become a “real man”.

    If you have trouble breaking the friendship barrier, consider getting in touch and expressing your romantic side more, because the qualities you describe are super attractive

    • I used the word "manly" here as a shorthand for traditional masculinity, which I assumed was how it's used colloquially; I don't mean to assert that men are defined by traditional masculinity. My concern (more like blind superstition) is that a preference for many of those features (minus the misogyny) are biologically wired, and that having very few of these characteristics is inherently unattractive to most male-attracted people. It's a fear that traditional masculinity is an inescapable standard and opting out leads to extreme difficulty in finding relationships. I asked this question because I want evidence that it's safe to ignore gender roles entirely.

      I think you should be grateful that you weren’t indoctrinated into being an abuser

      Funnily enough, I kind of was. I was raised by far right extremists whose beliefs were so obviously evil and cruel that I sought outside information through the Internet as a teen. Most of what I saw there was right-leaning, but far less openly bloodthirsty, so it was more palatable to me to consume. But because of this, I deeply internalized right-wing social constructs, including most of the lies about women that are used to justify misogyny and patriarchy.

      This programming socially stunted me. I hated myself because I didn't live up to masculine standards and I was bullied for it at home and school. I wasn't interested in women because I was indoctrinated into believing they were helpless damsels who wanted to be controlled, which, especially seeing my parents' abusive relationship, felt grossly exploitative to me. I decided to just lay low and be polite, accepting that I was inferior due to my lack of machismo.

      Even though I avoided others and had no confidence, I still had people, mostly women, who wanted to reach out and get to know me. They praised the softer traits that I tried to hide, and I found myself admiring many of their tough and protective personality traits. That deprogrammed me from gender norms, but only for platonic connections. Whether or not it was safe to ditch gender norms for romantic connections was an open question for me. So getting helpful feedback to this question has helped boost my confidence on that a lot!

      My brother, unfortunately, never challenged his programming. He tells me that all women are the same, they all want to be ruled over by men, and LGBTQ+ women are straight people in denial. A few weeks ago, he literally killed his girlfriend's cat for "misbehaving." Instead of breaking up, they just casually replaced the cat with a different one. So yeah, the people I grew up around are so unhinged that it radicalized me into becoming normal.

  • bro that is manly as fuck. keep doing you because it's hella manly to be gentle and caring and nurturing.

    you need to stop worrying about all that "not alpha/sigma male = not attractive" self-doubt. you also need to stop worrying about your attractiveness. you're already attractive to some people. just find people you really enjoy hanging out with one on one, and eventually you'll land a partner.

    • This. Exactly this.

      Trying to be what others consider desirable or normal is really just a kind of lack of strength in your own personality. True strength is when you can be yourself, don't pretend and simply live the way you want to be. Your friends will be true friends because they will know you without pretense. Anyone who doesn't find you attractive in this way is the wrong partner.

  • Leaning into this will probably garner attention from the right sort of women for you. The ones attracted to "traditional masculinity" (which is kind of a trap in some respects anyway) probably wouldn't be attracted to you sexually in the first place, based on what you describe here. So you don't really lose anything by what you plan to do. Go for it!

    And if anyone gives you guff about it, tell them to fuck off (or whatever response appropriate to your vibe, but carrying a similar message, works best).

  • You do you. Someone will love you and it's better that they love you than a you you're pretending to be.

  • Rather than worry about trying to be universally attractive to everyone, think about the type of partner you want to be attractive to. There's certainly no shortage of potential partners who are into that. Anyone who isn't wouldn't be the right fit for you anyway.

    • For me, it boils down to someone who's nurturing and physically affectionate. I envision a relationship that's cuddly and caring on both sides.

      I probably could have phrased my original question better. I don't care about being "sexually desirable" to as many women as possible; I only care about being desirable to enough people that finding someone to start a relationship with is a practical possibility. This post is about my lack of understanding of how sexual attraction fundamentally works. I'm essentially asking if sexual attraction is highly polarized—targeting either strong masculine or strong feminine presentations—with minimal reaction to more androgynous presentations.

      • I don't believe it is at all polarised. I've had friends who found me attractive and came onto me when I had long hair, but aren't into me now that I'm more masculine looking.

        Attraction is certainly primal on some level, but I don't think we're simple enough to have our preferences work in only one of two ways. The key is to know what you want, and have access to the side of yourself that embraces those desires. It is a simpler matter for some.

        Echoing what I'm seeing others say, always know that you're someone's type. It's hard to imagine there's not a Steven Universe fan out there who would see you as way out of their league.

      • I don’t care about being “sexually desirable” to as many women as possible; I only care about being desirable to enough people that finding someone to start a relationship with is a practical possibility. This post is about my lack of understanding of how sexual attraction fundamentally works. I’m essentially asking if sexual attraction is highly polarized—targeting either strong masculine or strong feminine presentations—with minimal reaction to more androgynous presentations.

        Added emphasis, as it kind of answers your own question. Being sexy to someone isn't universal. There's certainly things more women tend to find sexy; but it's not an absolute by any means. Think of all the happily married people you have met (assuming you live in a fairly large community). Or even consider all of those in long-term relationships. Not every man in every relationship is super fit and sexy, right? Nor were all the men such when they first met their partner. It is not a requirement! And if you know enough such couples you'll realize appearances of the men in them run the gambit from hot-bod to dad-bod and beyond. And if fact most people in happy relationships are far from the media archetype of "sexy male" as you allude to in your original post.

        Not every woman is a lingerie supermodel; not every man is a bodybuilder or Hollywood heartthrob. Yet so many people are able to find relationships where they each find each other sexually desirable. Just randomly scroll through strangers (real poeple) on a social media of your choice and you'll see happy couples with all variety of body types and appearances.

  • You are attractive, probably very attractive. Your post makes it clear to me. You receive attention of multiple women, and some of them are even making advances on you. Manly men are in crisis, in my opinion. Feminism all around is putting the concept of the manly man in question, and you, my friend, are the next step, like the X-men mutant to the human being.

    In any case, what's a man, anyway? They will tell you all kinds of zombie answers. As someone raised by women and two absent masculine figures, I just don't get it. Learned to set limits with bullies the bad way, always taking advantage of the situation cowardly, but effectively, and I don't regret kicking them while they were on the floor. What I mean is, if it works for you being all cute, be cute by all means, but if you want to have sex, be all the cute you want saying that seriously; otherwise, people, women, will take you for a prude, maybe even gay, and I don't know why, but that's been my experience.

    Be yourself. Don't let other men show off by demeaning you, don't let women think you're some kind of a monk, especially the ones you are attracted to. Those are the limits.

    EDIT: just to clarify, there's nothing wrong with being gay, but it hardly works to project that idea if you want to get intimate with the opposite sex.

  • Good sir,

    The yoga community is starved for healthy male presence (practice at most studios as a man and you will be a distinct minority).

    This community values the same gentle and nurturing approach you have realized that you embody. The fact that you are introspective, respectful and self aware just makes it an even better fit for what you describe.

    I cannot think of a place more accepting of individual differences and the persona you describe would be very welcome in those spaces.

    I wouldn’t recommend this to someone who was just a pussy-hound, it wouldn’t be welcomed.

    Yoga is a sex-positive and body-positive philosophy that doesn’t focus directly on sex usually, but instead helps one become a more rounded person, part of which is healthy relationships that may include physical intimacy.

    You seem to understand boundaries and respect. So this suggestion is more about how to build the kind of community where your unique gifts are valued.

    I have built many valuable relationships through my practice, most all non-romantic but all very supportive. From that foundation however, my more intimate relationships have improved immensely too.

    My two cents

  • Not being traditionally masculine does not make you less of a man.

    The man who moved me most in life was a sensitive, artistic, nervous, sweetheart of a man, whom I doted on, had him sit on my lap while he cried, cuddled and kissed him until he felt better, called him sugary names (lamb, darling, sweetheart), pet him often, and just absolutely loved on him.

    Men often get upset if you refer to them as "cute", and I was unable to feel any of them put me on equal footing before him. The fact that he was emotionally open and outright with his feelings was what had attracted me to him in the first place. I am absolutely not a "dominant" person, but my desire to protect and love him in this was something no other man even allowed me the opportunity to do.

    I recall saying that something was "cute" while we were out, and he quietly asked "am I cute?". The answer was, of course, "Yes, darling! Of course you are!" If he wanted me to, I would have moved all the stars in the sky for that man.

    Men (often secretly) desire to be desired, and it is weirdly seen as a more feminine urge. However, men who identify as masc can still desire the sensitivity of desire. Nothing feminine about it.

    There are women out there who will desire what you have to offer. It may be a search to find them, but they are out there.

    • The man who moved me most in life was a sensitive, artistic, nervous, sweetheart of a man, whom I doted on, had him sit on my lap while he cried, cuddled and kissed him until he felt better, called him sugary names (lamb, darling, sweetheart), pet him often, and just absolutely loved on him.

      The fact that he was emotionally open and outright with his feelings was what had attracted me to him in the first place. I am absolutely not a “dominant” person, but my desire to protect and love him in this was something no other man even allowed me the opportunity to do.

      I feel dizzy because you literally described the moments I desire to a T. The doting, the sugary nicknames, having a non-domineering woman in an empowered position of loving protection... I have never read anything that so precisely and succinctly captures the exact ideas that I worried were just my own.

      Your comment is exactly what I have been looking for—solid evidence that what I desire deep down exists in the real world and can be created again. If I am to trust the anecdotal evidence in this thread, then that finally settles it for me. Relationships just like the one I desire are out there. Women who are compatible with me are out there. I just need to get out and find one.

      Thank you. This is one of the most reassuring things I have ever read.

      • I was really worried I was rambling!! Glad to know that you will be searching with renewed vigor. Enthusiastically wishing you all the best! (:

  • I am the exact same way. Good on you for acknowledging it and recognizing it. I love romcoms, Jane Austen movies are some of my favorites, and ffs I literally made and mod the Taylor Swift community here. I'm very straight, but also in touch with my own emotions. All of masculinity says that I would never find a woman and that I'm doing everything wrong.

    Except I've been married and ina committed relationship for well over a decade now. My wife loves that I'm open with who I am. (I took her to the Eras tour!).

    Toxic males are sexist in many ways, but one is that they think of women as single thinking people. That women want hot guys with fast cars, and that you'll never get one without. That's like saying that all men like playing dnd, or all men want to drive a big truck. It's asinine. There are over 4 billion women on this planet, and a good many of them do not care what kind of truck you have. In fact, most of them would think you wasted your money on it.

  • I would imagine that a cute appearance involves attention to detail. Get your hair cut more often. Pay more attention to your skin and nails. Find a good moisturizer.

  • Your first paragraph is like looking in a mirror lmao. Hi!

    Dating your typical woman was a path to constant failure for me growing up. My endless mixed house parties throughout college never lead to anything sexual let alone romantic either. Stuff like that. Failing to attract each other, there was just an obvious disconnect. I'd get plenty of initial attention (mainly because I'm extreme tall), but once talking we slid off each other. Maybe you get what I mean more than most. Took me too long to figure out why I couldn't find a partner. One nickname was Gentle Giant among friends. I was so unsuccessful people accused me of being closet gay.

    Don't find male mind/bodies attractive, and said house parties included very gay and very open roommates. In the end I figured out mentally masculine women do it for me, and there's mutual interest within that grouping. Non-binary especially. We really like each other. But there's a subsection that really matters to me:

    and expressing a desire to protect me.

    That just does it for me more than anything else. Often found in people who have another quality... something I struggle to describe. People Who Seem To Collect Good People? Best I can do without writing paragraphs. Maybe someone else can do it justice.

    So the short answer is: I can only speak of my own bumbling around in this weird thing called life. Possibly experiment more. It could be the problem isn't you, but who you pursue!

    Shorter answer:

    but IRL is the good stuff. Usually they're not in a dress though :P

  • That's totally fine! You can still ask people out just the same as anyone else. Love finds those who don't explicitly seek it out. Form friendships, and love is a natural extension of that.

    That goes for any sexual orientation, too. Being nice to people goes a long way.

    The way to my heart is kindness, gardening, and shortalls (because God, people look so cute in them).

  • What's your age range? I think it's possible more younger women would want the stereotypical masculine man, but I think over 30 and maybe earlier, women tired by the superficial masculinity would be attracted by your kind of personality. Personally I like a balance of both.

  • As a man, men think women care about looks more than they do.

    Looks are much bigger for men than for women.

    Obviously a massive generalisation, but in general. Like "men are physically stronger than women". Not all men are stronger than women but...

    Anyway.

    Looks really don't matter that much. I'd say women pay more attention to personality with the same difference as there is between how much men value looks vs how women value looks.

    Also, if I was being very crude, I'd say "status" is the "looks" for women. That's what you get very beautiful women with older rich men more than you do young hot men with old riches women.

    But I'd like not to be crude so disregard that last bit.

  • I was the exact same way in high school before I came out as trans and had no problem interacting with women and even had 2 romantically interested in me because I was soft and sweet. Stick with it and you'll find someone. Don't let other guys bully you into throwing it away, being true to yourself is a form of confidence and confidence is sexy.

  • Here's the thing. Most women I've met aren't superficial. If you were to gather a bunch of girls and get them to rank each other by attractiveness, you'd effectively get them ranked by extroversion. Also, a bunch of the stereotypical manly things make for bad partners.

    I think a lot of the signals you are sending will be recieved as Dad Material. This means you will only attract girls that want to settle down and who imagine a future where you and a little mini version of them are having the best princess tea parties. I see this as a blessing, but this also means you will attract the crazy ones who want you to impregnate them immediately right now.

    I am pretty similar to how you described yourself. Four years ago, i also was in a similar rut, although i had dated several girls at that point. Three years ago, I met a girl that was literally everything I wanted in a partner and more. A year and a half ago, I proposed to her, and this year we are going to get married. As far as I know, literally everyone who meets me tells her she's got the most amazing partner and that she's so lucky to have such a caring, polite sweetheart as her future husband. The only person who doesn't like me is her Karen of a mom, because I think she envisioned her perfect little girl marrying a rocket surgeon or something. I think this is similar to how you'll end up.

    Also, if I'm reading you right, you sound like either a teen or a new adult, since you're still figuring yourself out. As an adult, I never had a hard time getting a partner; I suspect you won't either. Just keep working on yourself.

  • I have an ex who is like you, and i love that about him, it is one of his most attractive qualities.. we are still besties but didnt work out due to me figuring out my identity as primarily being attracted to femme people (yes i think thats why i loved him so much lol) but he was not into presenting that way. Also i was becoming more and more masc and he's straight.

    Now that i think about it, this might be the opposite of encouraging lmao...hopefully mine was just a fringe case, but honestly the only reason i would ever choose to do it differently if i could, would be because he would have those ywars back to find the right person. I don't regret the relationship and he's one of my dearest friends.

    Anyyway, im high as fuck and im gonna go watch tv with my girl. Lol

    I only have one piece of advice from my experiences: be your authentic self and dont be afraid to open yourself to others. If you do, the right people tend to just show up. its honestly magical. Good luck to you. :)

95 comments