Skip Navigation
Relationship Advice @lemmy.world A Cool Dude @lemmy.ml

Do you feel that you just cant afford a relationship?

You cant afford paying half rent? You cant afford going to eat out together, to go on trips or to buy gifts? Do you know that you can only keep them company, give them your love and emotions, but you know that doesnt set you apart from the herd?

15
15 comments

  • I mean, if you can't afford half rent I assume that implies you're living with your parents or something paying no rent as opposed to paying full rent?

    Like, not to be rude or whatever, but it sounds like a relationship should be pretty low on your priority list.

    Which, like, isn't a condemnation of everyone who lives at home. Plenty of reasons to do that that are good and reasonable.

    But if you're doing it just because you can't afford to do otherwise, and don't have plans to change that, that should probably come first before you start looking into a relationship.

  • I mean, I currently have to pay full rent. So paying only half the rent would allow for plenty of funds to eat out or buy gifts.

    So not really, no.

  • I'd say it's one of the reasons. I think of dating but can I even afford to eat at a restaurant? Even if the answer is yes it reminds me of all the debt I am buried under and I lose all motivation.

    Still working on that. The combination of valuing compassion but also possessing self hate is not only conflicting but also dangerous. I can be too generous and easily fall victim to those willing to abuse it this is the cause of said debt. I need to working things before opening myself up again.

    • Can you please share your story on how your compassion made you incur in such debt? I think that we can all learn from it.

      • Thats a long one like my entire adult life. So anyway...

        Had a friend post college. He had a online GF who had recently became homeless and moved in with him. They didn't speak much English and had not finished high-school. But no drugs or drinking habits, no signs of severe mental illness.

        She had a lot of talent and ambition but never the opportunity to use it.

        Turns out my friend was raised under certian religious values and believed his new GF was going to be the stay at home wife/mom/servent. This was not at all what his gf had in mind.

        I ended up intervining, paying some cheap fees so the gf could finish her high-school agsont his wishes. That didn't sit well with bf who had acused her of cheating on him with some of her classmates. He kicked her out. (Fyi He's cool now just had a little brainwashing still in those days and has come a long way since)

        So now there's this girl who I'd helped out and saw potential in. I had no romantic intrest in then or anything and I am Ace so no weird intentions. She had been doing very well in the adult high-school, but was once again homeless. And I had just gotten a good job, so I took her in. I figured get her some basic education so she can get on her feet and support herself. We had a 1 year plan.

        At this point I was already in a bit a debt. Still had some student loans. Also a few grand in credit from vet payments. My cat had some liver issues and the vet kept telling me he'd be just fine if a pay for another procedure. And I just invested a condo with loan from my father.

        This was over a decade ago.

        Things went well at first. They got through high-school quickly and got accepted into an art program at a local college. I didn't see too much bad stuff at this point, they where not great roommates. Messy and umorganized, not willing to help out around the home. The grades where still good but they had struggled with some courses dropping out of them and supplementing them with alternatives. This extended the one year plan considerably but it seemed worth it even if I was falling further into debt.

        My condo was finally built after 3-4 years and the fees around it where costing me waay more then I could afford. My debt solution had only gotten worse coving some of the schooling cost and art stuff. I had to moonlight as a dishboy while still working a 9-5 corporate tech job.

        I told her things where not working out. I needed to get a roomate who could actually pay rent and help out. One of my colleagues even offered to be that roomate. But when I broke the news to her she insisted she whould not survive without me (which I still belive is true) and the if I didn't continue supporting her she whould kill herself.

        So further into debt I went. She eventually graduated and was accepted to a very prestigious art university in a differnt city. She finally moved out to live with somone else though still needed money from me frequently.

        Shortly after I was fired from my job "no reason provided" (gotta love tech industry). I hadn't found a replacement roomate. So I had to sell the condo after only a year of living in it. Fortunately the housing market was insane and I actually paid off most of my debt from the sale. I'll never be able to afford a home again as long as I live. I was living in my dad's basement, got a new job after about 2 months.the whole time my former still needing my financial support.

        When covid came things got worse. I was finally living an an actual apartment again and getting into my new job. Working from home was great for me. My former roommates new roomate had lost his job and got heavily into ketomine. He eventually just left having not paid rent in two month. So once again this girl is screwed, no job, lock downs where starting, and getting stuck with the full rent of a 2 bedroom unit in one of the world's most expensive cities. Guess who paid for all that while still paying his own rent.

        That quickly drove me into near bankruptcy. Since lockdowns where going on and it seemed like work from home was going to be permanent. I decided to just move on with her in the big city that I hated. The move was expensive and I had to get rid a lot of what I owned as the apartments there are very tiny.

        Being she was in an art school during lockdowns she had temporary dropped out. Really the online alternatives where just not working out. She was in a pretty bad state, she didn't clean up after herself, or feed herself or really do much of anything. Lockdowns lasted considerably longer then expected here and it was actually quite a few years before classes became an option again.

        But she just couldn't do it. We got her assessed for Depression Adhd and a few other things. The result was she was placed on disabilities. It was a crazy year as we where also facing issues with a terrible landlord, and I had to change jobs and the work from home order was going to end and I was still employed in a differnt city.

        We ended up moving out of the terrible landlords place into another place down the street. The disabilities come with government assistance money that is going towards rent and helping us greatly (though it isnt nearly enough to live offf of on its own). My new job is great for me and pays much better. I get some coverage for seeing a therapist which I needed.

        I'm still living with them. It's been over 10 years now. I'm learning what emotional blackmail is, but not yet exactly how to get out of my situation. My roomate has gotten pretty bad to me over the past few years including stealing money and other abuse behavure also refusing to seek treatment for their mental health.

        If you want to learn from this is suggest the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. I'm still reading it myself but I've highlighted a lot of things as I go as there's a lot of red flags in there I didn't know to look out for and shouldn't have ignored.

You've viewed 15 comments.