Dr. Alan Hart - Trans Megathread for the Week of December 9th, 2024 to December 15th, 2024
"Each of us must take into account the raw material which heredity dealt us at birth and the opportunities we have had along the way, and then work out for ourselves a sensible evaluation of our personalities and accomplishments."
Alan L. Hart (1890 – 1962) was a US American 20th-century physician, radiologist, disease researcher, and novelist who pioneered the use of x-ray in detection for tuberculosis. He spent the latter part of his career in public health, undoubtedly saving many thousands of lives across the country expanding tb services and education throughout rural areas. In 1917 Hart was one of the first people to undergo a gender affirming hysterectomy in the United States, and is the first documented case of a female to male transition in medical literature in the English speaking world.
“I had to do it. For years I had been unhappy. With all the inclinations and desires of the boy I had to restrain myself to the more conventional ways of the other sex. I have been happier since I made this change than I ever have in my life, and I will continue this way as long as I live’
Hart begin expressing himself as a boy starting at least age 4, and was largely accepted by his family as male, with his grandfathers obituary in 1921 listing Hart as his grandson. A family friend of his stated in a 1921 interview “Young Hart was different, even then. Boys' clothes just felt natural. Hart always regarded himself as a boy and begged his family to cut his hair and let him wear trousers. Hart disliked dolls but enjoyed playing doctor. He hated traditional girl tasks, preferring farm work with the menfolk instead. The self reliance that became a lifelong trait was evident early: once when he accidentally chopped off his fingertip with an axe, Hart dressed it himself, saying nothing about it to the family.” During childhood school, Hart wrote most of his assignments under his first chosen name of Robert Allen Bamford Jr.
Hart received a total of 4 degrees in his life. He received a pre med degree in 1912 from Portland, Oregon’s Lewis & Clark College, then known as Albany College, followed by a medicine degree doctorate from the University of Oregon Medical Department in Portland (now Oregon Health & Science University) in 1917. His doctorate was originally issued under "Hart, [deadname] aka Robert L., M.D.”. which prompted a legal name change in 1918. He took his first medical job at a Red Cross hospital at this point. In 1928, Hart received a master’s degree in radiology from the University of Pennsylvania and was named director of radiology at Tacoma General Hospital. After working for several years as a tuberculosis consultant in Washington and Idaho, Alan Hart moved with his wife to Hartford, Connecticut, where he received a master’s degree in public health from Yale University in 1948. Around this time, Hart began taking testosterone and is described as having a deeper voice and being able to grow facial hair as a result.
TUBERCULOSIS
Hart devoted much of his career to research and treatment of tuberculosis. By the dawn of the 19th century, tuberculosis—or consumption—had killed one in seven of all people that had ever lived. Throughout much of the 1800s, consumptive patients sought "the cure" in sanatoriums, where it was believed that rest and a healthful climate could change the course of the disease. In 1882, Robert Koch's discovery of the tubercule baccilum revealed that TB was not genetic, but rather highly contagious; it was also somewhat preventable through good hygiene. After some hesitation, the medical community embraced Koch's findings, and the U.S. launched massive public health campaigns to educate the public on tuberculosis prevention and treatment. TB usually attacked victims' lungs first; Hart was among the first physicians to document how it then spread, via the circulatory system, causing lesions on the kidneys, spine, and brain, eventually resulting in death. With no cure for the disease in its advanced stages the only hope for sufferers was early detection.
X-rays, or Roentgen rays as they were more commonly known until World War Two, had been discovered only in 1895, when Hart was five years old. In the early twentieth century they were used to detect bone fractures and tumors, but Hart became interested in their potential for detecting tuberculosis. Since the disease often presented no symptoms in its early stages, X-ray screening was invaluable for early detection. Even rudimentary early X-ray machines could detect the disease before it became critical. This allowed early treatment, often saving the patient's life. It also meant sufferers could be identified and isolated from the population, greatly lessening the spread of the disease. By the time antibiotics were introduced in the 1940s, doctors using the techniques Hart developed had managed to cut the tuberculosis death toll down to one fiftieth of what it had previously been.
In 1937, Hart was hired by the Idaho Tuberculosis Association and later became the state's Tuberculosis Control Officer. He established Idaho's first fixed-location and mobile TB screening clinics and spearheaded the state's war against tuberculosis. Between 1933 and 1945 Hart traveled extensively through rural Idaho, covering thousands of miles while lecturing, conducting mass TB screenings, training new staff, and treating the effects of the epidemic.
An experienced and accessible writer, Hart wrote widely for medical journals and popular publications, describing TB for technical and general audiences and giving advice on its prevention, detection, and cure. At the time the word "tuberculosis" carried a social stigma akin to venereal disease, so Hart insisted his clinics be referred to as "chest clinics", himself as a "chest doctor", and his patients as "chest patients". Discretion and compassion were important tools in treating the stigmatised disease.
In 1943, Hart, now recognized as pre-eminent in the field of tubercular roentgenology, compiled his extensive evidence on TB and other X-ray-detectable cases into a definitive compendium, These Mysterious Rays: A Nontechnical Discussion of the Uses of X-rays and Radium, Chiefly in Medicine, still a standard text today. The book was translated into Spanish and several other languages
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
hey if anyone here knows anyone nearish to jacksonville florida that has an open room or couch for helping a homeless trans person please DM me on matrix
tracha (our matrix chat with irc/discord vibes) should be open and accepting join requests again, please be sure to let people know that had it bugged out on them
I am not a frequent trans mega poster but I am still the genders and I’ve seen some of y’all around. Just popping in to say that I am distancing myself online for some time and if anyone here has seen me around/we have interacted before and wants to keep in touch with frog monster lady who will never shut up about covid you can find my matrix details in my profile here. xoxo
Struggling very hard to piece my life together after years of seriously neglecting myself and everything around me. I feel my eyes opening up after years of repression and its not a good situation I find myself in
Everything is fucked. Everything is gone. Very few possessions in my name. Im at rock bottom. its a nice feeling tbh, everything is wiped away and now I can build something totally new
Thanks to everybody who upvoted and read the mega. I did a lot of work tracking down primary sources and went through a variety of secondary sources to piece together a decent retelling of the life and work of Dr Hart
This latest twitter discourse is really making me feel a type of way.
TW: mentions of SA
Seeing a women describe how she had to dissociate during a gang bang and how several men crossed her boundaries and didn’t stop is heart breaking enough.
But seeing a bunch of chuds demeaning and degrading her for even expressing those feelings or people who say she was assaulted because “she agreed to it/signed a contract.” or a bunch of leftists dismiss these things/brush them under the rug which would constitute sexual assault in any other case because they are more interested in defending the validity of sex work from conservatives has kind of broken me.
I hate this exploitation of women with all my heart.
Is it weird that I'm way more offended when someone assumes I'm a straight woman than when they misgender me?
cw discussion queerphobia and the crimes of heteronormativity
Getting misgendered sucks really badly, but it's someone making an assumption based on any number of variables and it's sort of whatever. Depressing, painful, not offensive though I guess. A kinda vibe if you will.
When the woman at the fucking Salvation Army's Prevention & Diversion division of their local citadel (which is actually what they call it, burn the fucking church I swear) assumes my partner is a man? Wow I was right to be cagey about bringing up my significant other in this meeting where I'm trying to get rent money, but also you fucking sludge. You absolute acidic waste of fucking space, to presume me a boykisser. I swear to fuck I was absolutely right about the sally anne being a bunch of pious distrustworthy biblefuckers, holy shit.
I don't really know why this makes me so furious, maybe it's because it feels like erasure or something. Maybe it's easier not to assume the worst when people get pronouns wrong? I've been really piss-boiling angry at people who've misgendered me in past and actually had a lot of people be sincerely apologetic.
I dunno, I guess heteronormativity is just a scourge, is what it comes down to. I had to stop myself from saying "My partner and I are unemployed lesbianly and have been for months" when she asked "and your partner, is he working?" Bleugh it makes me sick just typing it, I swear to fuckin fuck How fuckin dare you, I do not and would not consort with men........... u fuckin filth........
Maybe eight or ten years ago I would have been all happy that someone assumed my (hetero)sexuality based on gendering me correctly, but now I'm just mad. I have had to hold my tongue so fuckin much while making calls about rent bullshit, seriously if I weren't radicalised already, I would be. I'd be finding out about the Maoist uprising against the landlords. Death to america.
My sibilings (including my NB sibiling) were making fun of neopronouns in front of me. This is why I don't use them IRL and just stick with she/her or she/they. Why does this have to be this way, especially with my enby sibiling. I would expect them to be more receptive to neopronouns
Learned that my brother has turned into an incel - he has "The Menu: Life without the opposite sex" in his secret santa list. And I'm horrified.
spoiler
For all of human history men and women came together to form families. It may have been common, it may have been routine, but that is what they did. Generation after generation, for all of human history, men and women formed families.
That is until now.
Because with advances in technology, incredible economic growth, a generous welfare state, and the political movement of feminism, men and women no longer need each other in order to survive. And as much as we'd like to deny it, when given the choice, men and women are empirically and increasingly choosing to be alone. By 2030 45% of marriage-age women are forecasted to be single, rendering a same percent of men equally so. 70% of both men and women are overweight, indicating little serious interest in attracting a mate. Marriage ranks 5th place on women's priority list. And 1 in 3 marrying-age men live with their parents. And all that with crippling college debt that makes having a family a luxury most will never afford.
But the solution is not to reverse or somehow undo the forces that got us here. Those political, economic, and sociological forces are simply unstoppable. Marriage is not coming back, certainly not in your lifetime. The solution is to give up hope. The solution is to stoically accept this fate. Because whether you'd like to admit it or not, only 1 in every 2 of you are going to get married (and only 1 in 8 of you who do will be happy!). And thus the real risk you face is not “never getting married” or “never having a family,” but wasting your one and preciously-short life pursuing something that is statistically unlikely to happen.
Unfortunately, this dark reality leaves half the population in an existential lurch. Without family, marriage, love, or a loving spouse, what do people have to live for in life? You are here after all, and you have to do something with your 80 years of consciousness on this planet. So unless you're going to kill yourself, your existence forces you to find a purpose and reason to live. You cannot merely “exist.” And so, most people today and into the future are faced with the arduous task of finding purpose and meaning in life, absent the opposite sex.
Thus, “The Menu.”
Though humanity has never been to the point where women and men abandoned one another before, that doesn't mean there is not a limitless number of things life offers that gives it value. Whether it's hobbies, vice, philosophy, religion, your career, or your friends, the world offers a limitless menu for you to choose from. A never-ending buffet of things you can do, pursue, enjoy, and become during your 80 year visit here. And while it may not be what 2 million years of genetics are screaming at you to want, it's superior to falling in love and having a family, simply because it's possible. It's at least on “The Menu.” And so you face a very simple question. Do you want to spend yet another night at home, playing video games, jerking off to porn, and downing some Mountain Dew? Do you want to drink another bottle...or two...of wine while you watch yet another Hallmark movie? Or do you want to put on your big girl panties, cowboy up, acknowledge there is no one out there for you, and make this life count as much as you possibly can?
You're going to die. There's no doubt about that. The question is if you're going to live. Order something from “The Menu.”
This girl on Love is Blind is Israeli and her dad was like “we definitely identify more as Israeli than Jewish”.
I feel like so many of these reality shows I’ve watched have Israelis…idk if I’m being conspiratorial noticing this…or if it’s like some weird thing like the military and superhero movies.
I've spent the last two weeks thinking about whether it's time to kill myself. I don't have an answer yet. I feel like I'm staring off the cliff of my life and I don't feel either ready to jump or walk away. I'm just staring, feeling less, existing with a vagina, being asked to perform, to cry, to justify myself and beg for surgeons offices to listen to me.
I don't know what to do, so I just keep staring and hoping I'll understand what's next.
I just sobbed after work and need to go to the grocery store. My face won't be cleared up, but I need to eat, so it's time to go in now.
Ayoo anyone got any good resources on developing a personality again? Dysphoria, depression and anxiety kind of made me apathetic for along time lol, so I do want to fix that✋😩
Yesterday I noticed something about my electrolysis tech. She was working on my chin with my head turned towards her. In the strong light from the work lamp, I saw her scars. Hesitation marks running down her wrists and a larger scar down her vein. The sight melted into my subconscious as I was distracted by our chatting and the irritation of the needle.
That evening, my mind wandered back to that memory and I broke down. I cried for the pain she endured to get to this point, for all those who struggled like her and who carry those same scars. For those who took that path and didn't make it through; those I once knew and those I'll never have a chance to. For those crushed under the weight this fucking inhuman patriarchal capitalist system that grinds us down for daring to seek our humanity outside the rigid gender boundaries we were thrust into before we can even fully conceive ourselves.
The emotions are overwhelming. There's melancholy but also fury. I want to make things better but I don't know how. I feel small and utterly powerless within this endless storm of suffering.
It's a small gesture but maybe next week I'll ask her if she wants to hang out some time outside of our appointments. I thought about doing it before because we gel pretty well but didn't because I was worried about the tech/client relationship making that inappropriate or awkward to bring up. But I dunno. I'm probably just overthinking things as usual. She's been more and more friendly every time I see her so I don't think she'd be put off by my asking. Even if she declines, I'm hoping she feels valued. We all deserve that much.
i'm iffy on doing 6 month celebrations but so much has changed in the period since my egg cracked. i'm definitely starting to settle into myself, i would say this is the most confident i've been in my life. i have so much to look forward to and am so grateful for what's already happened
i looked in the mirror the other day and while there's still a laundry list of things i want to change, my lesbian ass was like "god damn i'm gonna be so fucking hot"
also i'll be celebrating today by adding a new pronoun. i've been jealous of everyone else's and thought i might try it out cause why not?
to Hexbear and more specifically all of you in this megathread, i can't thank you enough for what you mean to me. oh and apologies for the preening (not really)
I measured my bust for fun today. Had some help from a friend that came over. My measurements are as follows
Titty measurements
Underbust - 39"
Overbust - 50motherfuckinginches
That translates to a 40J. Of course, once the swelling goes down and everything slides into place, it'll probably be more of a 40H/38I, but still holy fuck.
It feels bad though, I don't even have the energy to think about Gender much or like, read Psycho Nymph Exile. I somehow have less spoons now than when I was employed. This fucking sucks & I am going to die probably. Sorry for posting badly...
I didn't think I minded pausing my HRT to prep for sperm banking but now it's getting to me. There's this girl at work I've been talking to but I know all she sees is a stupid idiot man and I'm not even on the path to shedding that because this is taking so long
I still browse the comments on and holy shit they're just getting more and more transphobic. People celebrating the puberty blocker ban in the UK, and just calling for the elimination of trans people. We're entering a dark fucking time
A long time ago, I lived in a basement suite that had a nice tiered garden. One day I saw a butterfly that kind of had some kind of camo like bird poop? It seemed to be struggling and couldn't fly back out of the basement patio. I brought it in and feed it a sugar slurry I had from when I brewed beer. It rested, stuck it's little proboscis out, drank deeply and then I went back outside and waited for it to fly. And it did.
Next year there were 5 of these bird poop butterflies all pretending to be mortally wounded lol
Well I've been on estrogen for a week, and my bisexuality has been going absolutely insane. I want cuddles still, but I've actually never been this interested in sex before. It honestly feels kinda nice. Don't know if it's just a placebo or not, but I've just felt like a much emotionally warmer person over the week and I've been really happy about that
Whenever my room mate brings his guy friends over it always instantly ruins my mood and I can't place my finger on why. I don't dislike them. There's just something in the way they interact with each other that makes me feel intruded on, even when I've tucked myself in my room in an effort to not have to interact with them at all.
Biggest trick that I've found to hiding my beard shadow so far is switch from a blending sponge to a normal brush for applying foundation. The blending sponge was taking off too much product
would post pics but don't wanna dox myself but YOOOO I got a gorgeous raincoat for like fifteen bucks that probably retailed for like 200 and actually fits?‽?!‽
Also has anyone done studies, or written a paper, or even just made useful observations about what part of being trans makes you eepy sleepy? Is it just a transfemme thing or are we all darn tired? Is it estrogen that's doing it? Can I ever sleep properly again and not be tired please?
I thought this would have worn off by now, "second puberty" right? But I guess being sleebi is with me for life =) please help!
Current fedi hell discourse is that trans women saying "kill all men" is transphobic bcs some men are trans men and so now there's a crusade by libshit tenderqueers against anyone they've labelled as a "TIRF" and people claiming that being mean to men on the internet is just as bad as patriarchal violence against women was in the early 20th century
Don't be twee or dismissive, I mean do it if you want I just think sometimes thats used as a shield for very deep hurt that would be better explored by sincerity rather than reflexive irony. Specifically, I mean romantic love or at least a very deep love for those of us in the aro space
Whenever I don't get attention I just assume the mods have shadowbanned me for some nefarious plot I'm unaware of, mods really read 1984 and thought it was a playbook
slowly starting to come to the realization that I'm kinda like a cat. I can take care of myself but someone really should be taking care of me. I would give them presents and purr in their laps all day.
So I tried dating t4t poly dating for the first time, and it's been like kind of a mess.
Basically when I told my friend about the person I was dating, he warned me saying that his ex had had a bad experience with her. I asked her about this, and she told me a different version of the sorry, and that the friend's ex had been spreading rumors about my date for years to cover up her own abuse.
So both the person I was dating and the accuser are poly. I was contacted by other partners of both of these people to support their partner and tell me bad things abpit the other person. There is apparently a lot of history here. I have no way of knowing who did the wrong thing here or what really happened. But I do know what I feel like I am involved in some sort of feud between two polycules, lasting several years at least, which is ridiculous and I hate it.
Even without the feud, I found it very off-putting that as soon as there was a problem between the person I was dating and myself her other partners immediately stepped in. One of them wanted to set up a meeting so that we could discuss the things I had been told and they could "take action". I had never met this other person before. She is cis, which is fine I guess but I am exclusively t4t and I really hate the idea of involving a random cis person in my relationship. Honestly it felt like I was getting emails from HR or something.
I'm not against being poly, or having an open relationship, or dating someone who is. But like it seems really weird and unfair that this person's other partners will immediately get involved when I haven't even met them before, and I don't have any other partners of my own at the moment.
I'm definitely done with this whole mess, and I hope to avoid these people in the future. But I imagine there are people here who have had good experiences with this type of thing. So like how is it supposed to work? Should I have met the other partners sooner? Should I not date someone when I'm not really interested in a relationship with their other parents? Idk
Having more than average horny thoughts recently and oh also i have a feral need to have someone put their mouth on my bitties and galls.
(The concept of) Men are starting to seem more hot and I'm suddenly experiencing the bi-cycle in reverse of what I'd feel pre-hrt where I question if I'm actually still attracted to women. Why do most cishet men have to be so gross though AHHHHHH.
Besides that, the other things I've noticed could also be attributed to regular ol estradiol. My hips are looking way wider, my ass continues to get rounder, I have the thighs of a fertility goddess, my boobs are rounding out, and my waist looks like I actually have a waist.
Got randomly blindsided by transphobia by a friend today and idk how to react. I don't want to go into details, but it was like a "yea, but you're not FULLY a woman" type statement, and because it took me so by surprise I didn't know what to say so I kinda just silently agreed, which made me feel even worse.
I know she didn't realize it was an inappropriate thing say, and she's nice enough that I'm sure she'd listen if I explained why it's not okay, but I'm not sure it would actually change how she sees me, and I don't want to spend my free time hanging out with people who think of me that way. Part of me wants to just let the friendship die by soft ghosting her, but that also feels mean to do to someone who probably don't know they did anything wrong, so idk. Sometimes I want to move cities and start over completely stealth so I don't have to deal with stuff like this.
Its my hrt aniversary, and today has been a good day. I celebrate it instead of my bday cause of bad bday shit, and its so nice to celebrate me and not the day i came into this world!
i am looking so hot and sex and gender lately. i kinda want to get cornrows but i also want a job and i have no clue what white employers find "unprofessional" at this point.
Why do the two things that effect who I am the most cause me so much pain I literally don't understand how anyone can like either of them. Maybe their experiences are just different then mine. Not a day goes by that I don't struggle because of them.
I want to be normal. I want to interact with people normally. I want to be able to build friendships normally. I don't want to hate my body. I don't want to cringe every time I speak. I want to be okay with change.
I'll never have that. I'll always be uncomfortable. With how I interact with others and my own body. That's my experience with being trans and ND. Wanting normal, healthy relationships and experiences but forever being on the other side of the glass. There's one friend who has made me feel not that way. But who I am still causes issues.
That's my identity I guess. Two massive problems that can't be cured, only treated. And I barely have the coping skills to even treat them. I don't know why I'm posting, I guess incessant whining is the third key part of me.
she bought me a squishmallow and its so cute omg its so soft and squishy and kiind of heavier than i expected and i love it i love it i love it thank you for listening
edit: i think it is the perfect size to hug, but i should do several more experiments to be sure
I ended up recording my own voice instead of using text-to-speech. I was really anxious for a while, but as I got into it, it got a little better, and I actually think I had a pretty good voice going . Bad news though, because audio engineering is my passion. I, in my infinite wisdom, thought that making use of a bug in the recording software could benefit me in two ways. One, speed up my voice so I can fit more information in the time frame without it sounding unnatural, and two, slightly increasing the pitch of my voice.
As a result, my amazing voice sounded too high-pitched in the recording, and the way the audio warped made it sound extra-nasally. The lesson of this story is: have trust and confidence in yourself. Not doing so feels worse, and may screw you over.
I'm dooming rn, I convinced myself that 26 is too old to pass completely as a woman, even with HRT. Some people say it doesn't do much anymore at my age, which I don't fully believe but I'm still panicking over it. I'm afraid I'll keep looking and sounding like a man forever.
Assessing the state of my life with clear eyes right now after years of neglect. Something needs to change rapidly. Ive been out of work for too long. If I cant get something going rapidly I will have to have move back in with family to get a solid foundation to rebuild my life. Not an ideal situation, but they are mostly good with me being trans and I wont be homeless. Surviving is winning. Everything else is bullshit. Whatever it takes. Survive
Wtf is up with the job market? I cant get a word back from any retail job even with previous experience. Even part time no benefit bullshit retail jobs arent responding. Fucking Walmart hasnt even looked at my application after a month according to their website
so the premise of the final project for my trans lit class (due in 4 days) is to draw connections between something we read/watched in class and another piece of trans media (can be an academic work, a primary source from trans history, or just media.) problem is — i almost never consume media . i'm genuinely at a loss for what to write about. so, trans mega posters — do you have any recommendations for media that is relatively short (i.e short stories, comics, an academic paper, short films, that kind of stuff)? i don't have the time and energy to read a whole novel or long webseries or watch a whole show...
Realizing you're trans and and autistic at once is a massive barrier, especially as someone who masked and repressed hard until pandemic-times made it impossible.
There is no rulebook. You just say stuff and people will either respond or not. Idk if there's meant to be any middle ground between massive people pleaser and aloof introvert, but I'm trending the latter because the rejection is painful.
Starting to come out to my family and make changes. It feels good 😊
I was doing sex last night but I just had a rough poo so my hole is out of commission until it heals We still had a great time but my I really wanted some penetration
Sent a message to a trans person i vaguely know irl about like wanting to meet up ask her some things but she left me on delivered. idk, it is what it is ig
What’s the strategy for going to family gatherings after social transition? Do you just appear and explain you’re trans to people who ask about your change of appearance?
I've stayed alive thus far because whenever I start to read those spooky chain emails/messages "repost/send to 5 other people or else" I've learned to turn my brain off in the first couple of words. Believe me I'm gullible as shit but blessed with this brain of mine that deflects curses
Omg call the volcel police on me, but I keep on watching my Australian Youtube crush and it's been making me so yearny for snuggles. Especially with how cold it is now, cold weather is perfect weather for warming up with snuggles. Guessing starting estrogen last week isn't helping, but omg I just wanna autistically rant about Pokemon and get headpats rn.
CW: Eating disorder
I'm making dinner, which I usually struggle with. I haven't really ate all day, because I often just feel like I don't deserve food, or just don't want to gain anti-psychotic weight, and I feel like I've been making good progress on not leaning into those feelings recently. I eat a lot on anti-psychotics, it's not binge eating, that's just really how it is on those meds. I've been refusing to accept that for months and it's been making everything worse, because I'd rather be bullemic than gain that weight I'm supposed to gain on meds. I'm honestly happy to be eating enough to gain weight right now. I might be a chubby girl, but at least I'll be doing good things for myself and I'm happy with that
maybe weird physiological quirk? nsfw adjacent but not explicit
Uh, does anyone else ever have to sneeze from getting horn'd up? It's weirdly consistent and idk if it's like a neurological thing or what but it's kinda annoying
I’m having trouble really figuring out this community. Should I not be talking about my ex? No one seems to interact with that. Or is it that no one can relate? The user base does seem fairly young so idk.
Don’t mind me just trying to sus this place out. It’s confusing what you folks interact with.
UKucked TERF gay guys will make a whole thing of "when you use the word queer you're calling me a slur", like mf im out here calling myself a removedremoved
It's like 7am and I've been up for like 26 hours but I have a (good post‽) to make about Gender and an album I like a lot, please remind me to share my thoughts on it because it might be good idk
(Protest the Hero's first two albums in case you're curious)
I always feel so slutty when one of my suspenders is falling loose from my shoulders under my clothes, I try to adjust it but unless if I cross them and make an X they go down eventually.
I missed one of my doses for the first time, goddamnit. I can't take it since I'm already on the bus to another city. I'm reqcting to this more emotionally than I thought. I'm distraught. Missing one dose of three daily doses shouldn't be that big of a deal and I hate how strongly I'm panicking over it.
Maybe taking 2mg instead of one mg tonight will make for it
WHAT is she yapping abt???? (mention of nsfw topics, more bookyapping)
Thinkin about how I don't have anything in my TBR that is T4T and I decided that sapphic transfemme romances exclusively being cis4trans is uh transphobia and a crime.
What do I fuckin care about cis people huh???? I am not scouring these tags to be seeing cis people be gay. I am literally drowning in cis lesbian romances, please lay off. Where are all the neato stories about beautiful trans lesbians kissing??????
A full survey of the T4Ts I have discovered:
The Last Girl Scout by Natalie Ironside, in which the central relationship kind of gets sidelined by Trotskyist shenanigans and killing vampires.
The Price On Her Head by Suzanne Clay, which I remember enjoying but is minotaur erotica so.
In the Court of the Nameless Queen by Natalie Ironside, which is great if you like spiders! Only one of the four shorts is t4t though.
Psycho Nymph Exile by Porpentine Charity Heartscape, which woooooooah damn. Hey woooah, slow down a sec, damn. That's a lot at once.
And if you wanna be kinda sad n fruity abt it, Little Blue Encyclopedia by Hazel Jane Plante has the narrator missing & mourning her beautiful best friend she had a crush on. Yes I recommend it.
Why do I have to deal with cis people being part of these relationships in my fiction all the time? I wouldn't date cis people. I ain't fuckin interested. Quite frequently the cis half of these things is either an annoying cardboard cutout or quite frankly a source of scuffed shit too. (see Something Borrowed by Daisy Landish, Lifetime Between Us and Knock Me Down by Diana Morland, and Pack of Her Own by Elena Abbott)
So why can we not have more cool books about t4t, huh? Who do I need to talk to about this?? I guess I need to dive into ao3 or something to find em, Idk. I haven't been on an internet expedition to find more books lately, my TBR is packed. But I'd add more books if they were gay t4t!!!
Really need to get friends IRL and a therapist. Finding myself far to reliant on this site emotionally.
Like I went to message the admins to delete my shit because I want to force myself to get out, but I somehow had a fucking mental breakdown over it because I am an emotional gaping open wound.
This fucking alienation from capitalism sucks ass. Wish I was actually emotionally strong enough to fight against it but I'm just a failure.
Gonna just try taking a break from the bearsite for now to see if I can force myself to get friends
Having someone close to me would’ve really helped these past two weeks. It’s been pretty lonely since I can’t get out and hang out with people. My caretaker is literally just a family member, so not much to be gained there. She’s doing okay, but kinda just sits there on her phone until I yell for water or something. Even then, she’s made herself sparse since I became more mobile. Eh.
I need to get back on the dating bandwagon sooner or later. Just don’t like doing it this close to 40 as a transwoman. Maybe after I’m fully recovered. Not sure if I’m ready yet though.
Shaved my face. Still can feel the little fucking hairs, but now my face hurts. Still look awful, still feel awful, literally just keeps the problem from getting worse. I've been laying in bed crying. Why did I have to go through male puberty. I hate being male. Fixing the things that even can be fixed is going to be such a long and difficult process. god I hate this.
some self-work on feeling secure in relationships, cw vague mentions of past trauma, bad relationships, etc.
i spent a lot of the day yesterday excavating my very soul, and realizing that I have some trust/security issues when it comes to romantic relationships. I've been through a lot of relationships in which I felt alone in my struggles (to be fair, I was severely depressed and anxious and having regular meltdowns when I was younger) and felt uncared for, but now I'm wondering how much of those feelings were my own kind of barriers?
I think I'm trying to say that I think several of the people in my past did genuinely care about me, in retrospect, but I was incapable of feeling secure because of trauma/my own mental health struggles. Trying to recalibrate in the face of that is really weird for me, but I kinda need to explore whether this is true because I don't want to be held back from trusting new people, I want to make friends and be good to my romantic partners and such.
I did a bunch of reading on relationship security last night, and found some interesting new ideas:
Insecurity in a relationship can come from within and be a "me" problem, a self-worth issue
Insecurity can also be created by the actual situation in the relationship itself (like if someone isn't meeting your needs). And sometimes we can blame ourselves for needing things and hate ourselves for having needs that aren't being met, either because what we want to ask for is "unacceptable" or we are scared of a possible confrontation.
Insecurity can also just be a byproduct of a relationship being new as well, I think, since you're getting to know someone.
I think I've come to a few conclusions here:
I need to stop apologizing for being me - if I need to ramble a bit, or if I need some comfort, or anything like that, I shouldn't be ashamed to ask from the people close to me. And I shouldn't apologize for needing these things. In short, it's ok to be "needy." And I hope that people can do it back.
If people can't/won't meet my needs, then I should find people who can (luckily, everyone I am close to at the moment is extremely supportive).
Self-censorship makes even the most well-intentioned relationships difficult - I need to learn to stop censoring my emotions and to express them.
Finally, I need to put in some effort to figure out what my needs are. Vague uncertainty is kind of like ... difficult for anyone to do anything about, so having clarity within myself helps me to communicate.
I got a lot of hope from one of the things I read that said basically that the author believed pretty much anyone could learn secure attachment styles.
I also really am starting to understand the idea of "enthusiastic consent," finally. Both in a sense for if I'm not a "fuck yes" to something I should probably be saying no, and also if someone else isn't a "fuck yes" about X or Y then I should find someone who is and that I shouldn't let them do things they don't really want to do just to try to make me happy (There is of course an asterisk here for crisis situations etc).
I've been in a lot of "meh" situations in my past just because I've been afraid to be alone and I've felt that no one could really be enthusiastic about me because of that, so I never really thought it applied to me. Knowing that there are people who are enthusiastic about doing things with me and that its possible for that to be mutual gives me hope that I can have exciting and fulfilling relationships. I think if I chase after the excitement more and say no to things I'm not excited about, I won't push myself too hard, my needs will be met, etc. etc.
My favorite hoodie was a bit torn at the armpit but I resisted the urge to rip off the sleeves and sowed it back up. I really need to practice my sewing again I won't say I was ever great at it but my skills have really fallen off.
My facial dysmorphia is so bad Earlier today my face looked really masculine in the mirror, but now it's like a switch flipped in my brain and I can only perceive my face as feminine and really close to passing. I have no idea what I actually look like.
Did the financial account shit I've been putting off forever and it went well!! I'm not totally broke for the first time in ages??? I went shopping???? I never do that normally but I got some clothes and went to a cool retro vidya store and it was really nice and I spent way too much on games I might not play but I got a ton of cool shit and the people there were really nice and cool to me?? I had an actual good day for once and don't know how to process it actually lmao but everything's coming up LocalOaf!
Well got my passport back and they didn't fix the gender marker, despite marking that there was a change on the DS-11. Now I have to submit a DS-5504 and pray that everything gets expedited in time, and that they actually fix it. At least I was able to get the same passport photo reprinted, as I need to send in a new one and didn't have time to do makeup this morning.
I also need to go to the SSA and get the gender marker fixed there. Been cutting it close on these documents, but have been so fucking busy.
Is there a way to organize stuff numerically (using alphabetical sorting) if you have more than 9 things?
It's putting the two-digit numbers after 1 before 2 and so forth...and I'm at a loss of what to do.
king gizzard is so good. i don't want to be one of those fans who makes this band my entire personality, but i fear it's slowly happening against my will...
wore my black turtleneck with my black flared pants, hair in a ponytail that always want to come to the front and some dark eyeshadow. Feeling really nice, need to start dressing up cute just because once a week atleast
I’m awake for 5 hours now and just rotting in bed. The sun will set soon and I haven’t even opened the curtains or gotten out of bed lol. No idea why my body just randomly decides to shut down some days.
I think I lost my cute floral pattern tights. Was picking out a dress to wear tmrw for once and thought they would go well with it but I can't find them anywhere :(
@GayTuckerCarlson@hexbear.net I can't stop saying "what is going on???" to myself when I see shitty drivers doing something stupid now and I love it (we love it, don't we folks?? ) but I blame you and Nick Mullen lmao
Thought I was straight and cis? Guess again. Don't believe me? Take a look.
I didn't really realize the importance of practicing non-verbal vocalizations until lunch the other day at work I was looking at AE cat toys inspired by seeing some flopping fish that was swat activated and I saw a stoned cartoon penguin looking toy making goofy sounds getting batted around by a cat (at first hesitantly then with enjoyment) on an ad and I just lost it. Everyone stared at me weird, hard to say if its because I'm serious and rarely laugh, or because I knew that laugh was more of a giggle. I did find a fish that looked decent and did get some sort of birb, not the stoned penguin, I wouldn't have survived that, and it was a bit out of budget. I'm not sure if my cats will go for it, but they do love their fish kick-toy.
I was also so hosed and tired at work I unthinkingly ran an agripop line on an old customer who tells stories of being a fed. Oops. Should have seen his face. I'd ask what's wrong with me, but that's what happens when you're so deep-fried from heavy workweeks on shit wages all you need is salt and dipping sauce, filter is long gone.
I know I've been posting about these in tracha a lot, but I want to post more about it (and also get back into the swing of posting here in general again).
Last in person exam of the semester done, feeling pretty good about all my classes, now I have the rest of the week to just focus on my last few online exams. I'm glad this mess of a semester managed to calm down a bit, even if it's during what's normally the busiest time of the semester lol.
mental health stuff, self image/identity musing? Drugs/alcohol/sobriety stuff
I know it's a pretty standard trans 101/egg crack kinda line of thought, but I was walking around listening to one of my favorite albums from when I was a teenager and thinking about how I felt about it at the time vs now and how my sense of self has changed since then, and I had the kind of "well if you felt (way x) about yourself then and (way y) now, what if you feel (way z) after the same amount of time since (x) to now passes in the future and you're not really the kind of person you understand yourself as right now? A lot changed in that last decade/decade and a half" and I kinda worked through the basic "what do you think you want to be like when you're old(er)?" all over again, and it was already the case for the most part but "I don't want to be a guy, and I definitely never want to be an old man" really crystallized mentally for me
I dunno if I'll be an old lady someday or some other kind of weird old queer or something, but I guess I hadn't really ever fully solidified that thought entirely in my head and it was kind of a relief to settle it to myself but I got kinda emotional and afraid for the future and sad about how much time I feel like I've wasted
drugs/shrooms/nicotine/caffeine/alcohol, relapse
Been micro dosing shrooms in addition to relapsing on cigarettes, a steady diet of kratom, and slipped off the teetotaling wagon a bit recently
I feel like shrooms and kratom have been really good for me mentally, but shrooms really make me crave smokes, and I've been under a ton of stress and relapsed and got drunk the other night
Didn't get sloppy or do anything stupid but I still feel kinda shitty about it
It feels like a pathetic weasely post-hoc justification to myself, but my silver lining has been avoiding spirits and sticking to wine
If I drink anything 80 proof or higher, it gets ugly quick and I've kept myself from doing that
Idk if total sobriety from alcohol is even feasible for me long term
Pretty sure there's a big genetic component to family alcoholism and I'm pretty certain I got it from my dad
Booze doesn't seem to effect me the same way it does for most people, like how stimulants effect ADHD ppl different. I dunno. I hate that any time I get drunk, there's a part of my brain that's like, "see, our brain needs some of this to work 'normal', look at how much better we're masking and how much less anxious and irritable we are! Isn't this great??" and partially feeling that way in the moment and my own conflicted response of the rest of me wanting to be a teetotaler really fuels a self loathing spiral
I dunno, I'm trying really hard to improve myself and it's exhausting and I'm never really satisfied with the results and don't know what to do about that
I haven't been in a changeroom since childhood... never thought of public bathrooms as a gendered social interaction though, and I (at least used to, much less now) use those all the time, huh. I am probably genuinely entirely unaware.
I mean I guess for me I get very in my head about it, first of all I hate strangers hearing me use the restroom, and I guess I get a little afraid using the woman's even after all these years. So I'd call that gendered, at least for me. More neutral bathrooms tbh. But I think cis people find gendered bathrooms gender affirming, so...
Say it to me again please, ahhhh I fucking adore being around people who've been at it as long as or longer than me, mmmmmm...
I am 15 years in! and i am very happy with how it all turned out. Every time someone says "My boobs are tiny and I've been on E for 2 years" I just want to tell them that the growing doesn't stop for like a decade lol. Also CPA is great.
I wonder about how I carry myself, now that I think about it. I know I stand different now but that's not really conscious, my knees bent inward at some point. I guess probably some of the ways I exist read typically femme, but the constructing-signals and performative thing, uh... I never really internalised the passage from orange book in which Maria talks about how 'there's going to have to be some intentionality in the way I present myself if I want to get read correctly'. In orange book parlence: Dude, no?
Yeah, I did all that, honestly it felt kinda fun, natural, and affirming at the time. But I agree, no one should have to conform in this way unless they want to, both because the "woman" box constructed by society is tiny and we should enlargen it, and also not everyone wants to identify as "woman."
(DID YOU KNOW: FOR CHECKING YOUR NAILS FANNING YOUR FINGERS IS "MASC" BUT CURLING THEM IS "FEMME"???? It is not, but such is the board lmao)
jesus i think i just caught a brainworm from reading this, i literally have seen women in sitcoms do both... wow lol
unironically I had a way worse correctly-gendered percentage back when I was trying to intentionally present "as a woman". It unironically seems to work better when I don't give a shit, and wear like hoodies and sweats and shit. Unsure if this is a natural-comfort-confidence thing or a hormones thing or something else...
I am not sure! If I had to guess I think that being comfortable in your presentation is a big factor in getting read correctly. I like dressing up but I get super nervous and definitely feel like I don't fit in like I do when I "tomboy" it up.
Holy fuck how horrifying
haha yep and now i listen to Fall Out Boy so maybe that's not a lot better.
everything went better than expected social anxiety thing, clocking/public gender presentation
Cishet (assuming sry but pretty sure) couple I see at my gym all the time that I've seen looking at me kinda funny a couple times and I was nervous that they were clocking me or weird about me introduced themselves and we chatted a bit last night and they're actually nice?
The bf is kinda an annoying bro from first impression but he was friendly when I actually talked to him and gave me a couple pointers and he has really nice arms
They have matching shoes too which was cute
People have been nice to me lately and I'm not used to it, feels weird (but good?)
Wondering how it'd go over if I wear nail polish or makeup to the gym, I think I look pretty androgynous there normally but I mostly get gendered as "guy(androgynous, probably queer) by strangers there, idk
Haven't been assertive about my pronouns or name and I kinda don't want the hassle there honestly which is disappointing but I dunno
Like I'm not really stealth irl but I haven't bothered correcting anyone
I don't think anyone really cares and I mostly just keep to myself
Had my second yakuza yaoi dream ever and like I think more things are starting to make sense now to me. Dream also involved and transformers over all absolute cinema something prob awoke in me now. Kept thinking they just like me fr
tiddies question: I typically never take off a bralette, even when I'm sleeping. idk why but it just feels normal and affirming to me. is this going to stop my tiddies from growing? do i need to let the girls free every once in a while or should I be fine to keep wearing something over them all the time
This girl on Love Is Blind says she does “Service Industry stuff guys might have a problem with” and it’s bartending and whatever “bottle service is”.
Is there some innuendo I am missing…or do I not know what bottle service is or are Cishet just weird?
Like the guy was like “yeah that could be a lot to handle, but I’m confident” like…wtf is wrong with bartending!?
it's tough rn for me, luckily my job is pretty chill. When there's emergencies I am able to focus, but I struggle to do things on my own, like read docs etc.
Watching youtube videos used to help, sometimes the right music does, turns out watching people drive garbage trucks on livestreams is good or people clearing out beaver dams or play silly games...
I think it helps, because I am chronically understimulated. Sometimes I will play a bit of guitar if I need to think, the finger motion even though I'm just "noodling" helps jog my brain and get it into a better state.
I think caffeine helps me too, I am always coffee, but these days I'm wondering if I should pursue ADHD medication. Friend of mine just got diagnosed and went on and she's having a really good time with the meds, making her way through a nursing program now when she was really struggling before medication. I'd like to be able to focus better...so...
my friends did a fun thing last night and i told myself to be responsible and not call out to go and i am such a dumb bitch i should have called the fuck out and gone
flipping a coin every morning i look in the mirror to see if i think i look like a super pretty girl or a sad ugly man whose face hasn't changed at all since starting HRT
Can anyone DM me any reliable estradiol powder vendors that I could reach out to? I am planning to stockpile pills at my next prescription refills, but I am interested in making estrogel as a backup. I have experience in chemistry, and have "access" to equipment to evaluate purity/contamination.
I tried painting again tonight. Made it about 2 hours and hurt myself. This recovery sucks. I thought it was going to be in and out and done. But no, I can't sit in a normal chair for more than a couple hours before I swell up like a balloon and start hurting like hell. I just want to paint my minis. ;w;
I can't remember if we cw weed so I'll do it just in case
weed
Haven't had weed in months, partially to reduce intake but mostly due to a tighter budget the last few months. We got a little extra money for xmas so we decided to treat ourselves. Taking a roughly half-year t-break than going to 42% thc infused sativa is uhhhh kind of a lot. I wish I picked something to watch or do because I'm just kinda bouncing around in my own head and it'd be nice to focus that somewhere else.
I feel so fucking depressed whenever I haven't slept properly. I don't want to do anything, I try to think what to do to have time go by, and there is just nothing I want to do. Just emptiness inside.
In between video game ost ambience vids and dragon ball what ifs/powerscaling vids yt is starting to recommend me advice for sigma women, nice to know the mighty algorithm recognizes my sigma nature
I've been thinking of getting on HRT for a couple months now, but I've been apprehensive for one reason: everything I've seen/read about it says it makes you smaller/weaker. I'm already a pretty short and weak person (I'm probably slightly below the average height for women in the US as is). For merely practical reasons I don't want this; if I had to defend myself in a fight or had to work a physically strenuous job, I want/need any small advantage I can get.
idk, I know there's no good answer or response to my concerns, I just want to vent ig. If anyone else has gone through a similar struggle please tell me what did/didn't convince you to get on HRT.
I don't know if I didn't get enough sleep last night or what is causing this but I feel awful today. Out of it. Family tried talking to me and I don't want any part of it. I hate being stuck in a man's body. I want to lay down and die. This is all so hard. Just crying on and off. I feel lost. I didn't ask for this. It hurts. I can't describe how I feel other then pain.
self harm
The urges have been so bad the last few days. I don't know how I'm making it through. More scars will just make me feel worse. One of these is already really bad. I don't want to do it again. It feels inevitable. What are the odds that's actually the last time. god I feel like shit.
Sorry, I probably wouldn't post this normally but everything is so foggy right now. Hope this post is okay.
I drank tea before, and I'm pretty caffeine-sensitive, so I was expecting the usual results (like talking a lot, or needing to talk). Yet this made me sleepy? Either I've been staying up too late lately, or I don't know, because this doesn't make sense to me. Maybe it was something else in the green tea blend 🤔
Search engines are all going down the drain, I found multiple AI images and I wasn't even using google.
Edit: This makes it look like I'm dissing art, so I'm going to explain the joke. Searching for Character, Art resulted in hentai, even with NSFW filters, thanks for nothing DDG. Searching for Character, Fan Art gave me actual artwork. The character is 17, why do gamers/weebs have to be deplorable people so much of the time?