Stop doing Computer Science

This could be so much longer.

Killing children, class systems, so many programming language names, the ridiculous ways equality and order-of-operations are done sometimes. Plenty of recursion jokes to be made. Big O notation. Any other ideas?

GOTO
- GOTO is the only thing that makes sense. It's the "high-level" concepts like for-loops, functions and list comprehension that ruined programming.
  
  series.append(series[k-1]+series[k-2]) for k in range(2,5)]
  
  RAVINGS DREAMT UP BY THE UTTERLY DERANGED
Big Orgasm notation
A monad is just a monoid in the category of endofunctors.
Masters and slaves

Cloning

Deploying code (that's what you do with soldiers!!!1)

Using Git to rewrite history.

Atomic values (like the bomb!)

These people are madmen.
- One of the slave node's child process failed, so the master node sent a signal to terminate the child and restart the slave
  
  There's pretty solid reason my research group is pushing to use "head node and executor nodes" nomenclature rather than the old-school "master node and slave nodes" nomenclature, haha
The only reason I enjoy C++ is because I can cast destroy on children and it's parents if they're present in the world
Floating point operations with decimals not always adding up
- They always must add up - if they added down then they wouldn't be floating points now would they!

while (true) { print(money) }

isn't that just crypto mining?

Three years ago, yes. Now? not so much.
- i mine monero while idle and it prints a massive 0.03GBP a day :)
JavaScript will actually open the print dialog.
This is basically what the bank are doing when you get a loan.

When you get a $25k loan from a bank the banker does not take money from somewhere to put it in your bank account. The banker basically just add a +25k in your bank account that comes from nowhere.

Permanently Deleted

Crypto, eh?
- Permanently Deleted
Depending on what your coworker actually intended to do, you might want to let them know that printers have features built in to make their output traceable, specifically intended for catching counterfeiters.
- That's one of these things that sounds like a crazy conspiracy theory the first time you hear about it, but it's true
  
  Edit: haven't actually clicked the link. I mean the yellow dots which the printer makes which is directly traceable to your printer: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Machine_Identification_Code
  
  Basically all printer manufacturers entered a secret contract with governments.
So, uhh.. what did the print(money) part look like? Asking for a friend.

I actually have that teapot and I use it several times a week.

Beautiful teapot dude!
- Thanks! In computer graphics it's referred to as the "Utah teapot" because the 3D model was created at the University of Utah. But it was originally a Melitta brand teapot. It is still manufactured by German company Friesland, which I bought it from.
  
  Unfortunately it appears they recently had a fire and their webshop is temporarily closed, but I think you can also get it off of Amazon.
Absolutely dope. How does it pour?
- Liquid
- I'm more of a computer-science geek than a tea geek, so all I can say is that it pours without spilling. You won't get a laminar flow out of it or anything like that.
i need to get one of these someday hahaha

Cat is a fluffy animal, not for reading shit

Writing 'echo' cannot do anything. Everyone knows echo works with sound only.
Cat is a fluffy animal, and for shreading shit

Enough people have thought of while (true){ print(money); } for manufacturers to have built stuff into printers to prevent that, alas.

Indeed. The amount of work that's went into the prevention and ways to identify who's done it is not insignificant.

Can someone explain this joke to me

"I'm writing a recursive method with threads to optimize the CPU usage in a 0.02%"

I understand everything apart from the "in a 0.02%". What does that mean? How can something be in a percentage?

It's a nonsensical statement to us programmers too.
I think they meant « by ».
It's a double joke. For programmers, it's pretty useless unless your in high performance computing.

If you're on the nitty gritty OS or CPU itself, 0.02% optimization can mean significant improvememt of different things but because it is otherwise unitless, it is equally useless to the reader.
- “In a .02%” is nonsensical. They meant “by”. So it’s just a fail, not a joke.

Socrates said books were dumbing down humanity because, since people could just look things up in books they wouldn’t have to memorise information anymore, and that made their brains soft.

Ever since society began, some people have been convinced the next generation’s technology was going to be society’s downfall, whether it was Socrates’ books, the telegraph in the 1800s, radio, the (land line) telephone, dishwashers (women will become lazy and unsuitable wives and mothers), screened windows (society will collapse because you won’t hear your neighbours and pedestrians on the street, we’ll all become hermits and die holed up in our homes), comic books would rot the brains of the youth, then music, then video games… it goes on and on.

So far, those predictions have never been true. Every older generation freaks out when the ones after come of age. It’s like societal growing pains.

I think this is one step further, that technology has become so abstract and complex that people who focus on different crafts and careers are using magical black boxes. It blows my mind how my neighbour goes through life without any concept of what a phone app is. He just uses functionality and memorized the associated logo. I'm an engineering wizard to him.
- Isn’t that true of pretty much everu technology, though? I remember in the late 70s there’d occasionally be a loud pop and a puff of smoke from the television, and I’d tag along with my dad to the tv shop to buy new vacuum tubes, then we’d remove the back of the television and do minor repairs. Everyone knew how to do that.
  
  My television today is a magic black box.
Some technologies actually have had unintended side effects, but not always the ones we saw coming. Artificial lights are killing all the insects which nobody really worried about and cars do kill tons of people, which we worried about in the 1920s. I don't know what the deal was with leaded gasoline, that one was just bizarre.

All in all, it's just really hard to anticipate how society and technology will interact. We think about the environment now but I don't know if any systematic progress has been made on predicting the human factor.

screened windows (society will collapse because you won’t hear your neighbours and pedestrians on the street, we’ll all become hermits and die holed up in our homes)

This one has actually come true to a certain measurable degree (see Bowling Alone, written at what is now the midpoint of the trend), but I don't think it's down to window screens.
- Leaded gasoline has a really crazy story. People have known that lead is highly toxic since the mid 1800s, and when tetraethyl lead was invented by Thomas midgley Jr in the 1910s, pretty much everybody at GM knew how toxic it was. Dozens of workers died from exposure, and Thomas himself was sick with lead poisoning when it was unveiled to the public. GM even went as far as naming it "ethyl" to avoid public backlash.
  
  The reason it wasn't banned until the 90s was because health officials in the 20s thought that exposure to drivers was so low that it wouldn't reach toxic levels until decades down the line. Like, the 1970s. This wasn't reviewed until the mid 70s and by that point the consequences were disastrous.There were some studies between the 20s and 70s, but most didn't gain much traction. Many adults and children had increased levels of lead in their blood and lead has contaminated the groundwater and polluted the air. For instance, there is NO safe level of lead in blood, and Herbert needleman in the early 70s found some American schoolchildren had as much as 14 micrograms per deciliter This is the reason it wasn't banned until the 90s in most countries. One could say we're still recovering from that in some ways.
  
  And the worst part? They could have used ethanol, an organic substance that's a major additive in alcoholic beverages. It also prevents engine knocking and is highly flammable, but otherwise not even close to as toxic as TEL was. You still woudlnt want to breathe it in, but it probably wouldn't have polluted our air and ground so much. GM refused to use ethanol though because it couldn't be patented (being naturally produced?) and it wouldn't be very profitable to use it to prevent knocking. TEL was far more profitable.

Increasing the CPU optimization by 0.02% does seem crazy to me. If you're going to spend time working on something, make it worthwhile. Also, isn't while(true) {print(money)} Microsoft, Apple and Amazon:s business model?

I mean if the CPU that's running these instructions is super low power then 0.02 might be worth it
- Or if you're scaling a large cluster of CPUs for parallel computations where a 0.02% increase can make a tangible difference in runtimes.
- Only if you'd removed and fixed all other bottlenecks that would gain you more than 0.02%. And I'm not convinced there are many if any projects of any reasonable size where that has been the case.

while{true}{print "money"};

moneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoney

moneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoney
- ^Dmoneymoneymoney^C
  michael@server-prod-$
As an Argentinian, I feel personally attacked by that statement.