Trans Megathread for the Week of 2024-10-07 to 2024-10-13 - ETR 600
Trans Megathread for the Week of 2024-10-07 to 2024-10-13 - ETR 600
The ETR 600 is a class of trains built by Alstom, and are used on the routes between Roma-Bolzano and Roma-Trieste. The train tilts, using Pendolino technology, allowing higher speeds to be maintained through corners without causing discomfort to passengers. The trains are operated by Trenitalia, originally under the Frecciargento (Silver Arrow) branding used for trains capable of travelling between 250 km/h and 285 km/h, In 2022 they were rebranded under Frecciarossa (Red Arrow) after the Frecciargento branding was retired.
The ETR 600 has also been adapted for use in China as the China Railway CRH5 Hexie. Initially 60 sets were ordered, of which nine were manufactured by Alstom and 51 by CNR Changchun Railway Vehicles. Since, another 80 sets have been created for a total of 140, operating across China's north from Beijing to Ürümqi.
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As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
an old lady at work called me "dear" earlier. I'm pretty sure that's a unisex term but honestly I'd rather be called dear than ma'am so I'll take that as a win
I dunno what Floridians are gonna do, like, long term. People lived on Florida for millennia, but the particular western way of living and the western mode of builidng/habitation along with climate change means I don't think people can live there like... anymore (unless one if the above changes). Hurricanes aren't going to stop. You'll still need insurance for a mortgage, or maybe they'll just stop offering both in Florida. It's not like there will be a collective effort to rebuild, there wasn't for New Orleans, they're still fucked over.
I think hexbear.net is a safe space to be online for transpeople, nobody's perfect, but this place is alright
I did just see the 'grr cheaters' thread from last fortnight, and haha wow, there's some people on this website who need to 'touch grass', (I hear the grass is nice in Siberia)
in lighter news: I realised I've been using neo pronouns ('ey/'em/'er/'im) and its just because i speak with kind of a drawl or something
Howdy beautiful people, I've made a post outlining our planned next steps regarding the site's misogyny problem here, please have a read through it when you get the chance
I have so many things I want to do
- I'm still grinding away learning frontend coding stuff
- Started learning Japanese finally (almost done learning hiragana)
- I want to write stories again
- I want to make videos again
- I want to see more places, especially more countries
So much to do, maybe I'll even do it
Idk if I have the heart to tell my work apprentice that I’m not a woman, haha. She sees me as a “strong woman in a male dominated field” and I think I’m ok with letting her think that for now, since she can see herself in that image. But I can’t do it forever. Fortunately I think she’ll be cool with it when I eventually tell her I’m nonbinary.
Hey Trans comrades, got a question about questioning. If it's inappropriate to do this here, lmk asap and I'll delete. Don't wanna intrude in an undesirable way but pretty sure I'm not breaking any rules.
So I've said before that I feel no strong attachment to my gender, but I live daily as a masc-presenting cis-man and am not bothered by it. But the Q-label is always something I've questioned whether I can apply it permanently to myself. Seems like I'm constantly questioning, for years, what kind of gender would really apply to me because just "average Man" doesn't seem like me, but nothing really does either (not even agender). But I'm confortable enough with myself that I think I will never do anything except continue enjoying the questioning itself and learning from that questioning about myself and others. But I comfortably just go with cis-man and feel intrusive in queer spaces as anything but an Ally.
So the final question, is Questioning dialectical and possibly permanent for 1 person or is it dialectical as in it will have to be subsumed in something else during a person's lifetime (assuming you get the chance to complete such a thing)? Any comrades that have experience here want to pitch in? Ready to learn :denguin:
thank you all for posting a bunch so i can do upvotes instead of laundry please keep it up i don't want to do laundry yet
BIG cw: loss, sadness, sui
spoiler
feeling kinda down, ive been remembering some of my past failures as an organizer for mutual aid stuff in my locale and not reacting quickly enough due to technical or time issues. like i get its not my fault that this happened and is largely an infrastructure/trans people being poor issue/not having enough free time... but still. i think its so important that we build up a mutual aid structure that is highly centralized (but can be replaced if it breaks down) so we dont lose people because we didnt respond quickly enough. things like the trevor project / the phone hotlines are ok, but we really need a setup that can receive messages and respond to other trans people so they dont fucking off themselves before we give them, food, housing, medical stuff... stuff that would have solved their problems.
im hoping someday we'll have all of our shit lined up. im fucking tired of the nth trans related charity that has a long drawn out process of means testing rather than directly assisting trans people as quickly as possible. im not like, super depressed or suicidal or anything anymore, just really sad for the people that are.
Yapping, 'boymode' theorising
We say that the cis are easy to fool, unobservant and to an extent that's absolutely true. But I also think that it's more about cisnormativity: not only are the cis not keyed to think "this person is changing their gender" of course, but also as a result they want to believe that the gender is the same. So even if their kid has inexplicably grown something chesty under that hoodie, why investigate when they are reassured by said kid that they're Still Totally A "Boy" For Sure, y'know? They have no vested interest in anything outside the gender status quo, usually, I think.
all these idiots getting raptured didn't even take their clothes and money and stuff with them
they may have got into heaven, but i have their doc martens
Had two medical appointments today and both predictably asked for a list of prescriptions I'm taking. Decided to list E and spiro for both (usually I haven't)... both times the only prescription either nurse asked about was the E/spiro (and for the second one, I just listed off like 6 other prescriptions, perhaps mispronouncing some of them and never was even asked to repeat any of them).
The spiro, I can understand given its also used as a bloodpressure med and a diruetic. How many other uses are the for E in people with a "Sex: M" on their medical chart?
sadgirl posting
Got on E today, and was told by someone in the community I was getting fucked by my doctor. I was given 2mg estrogen tablets and 5mg fin tablets.
They told me to take 1/2 an e tablet twice, and 1/4 a fin tablet once a day. (2mg estrodoil and 1.25finastride per day total.) Was told in trachat that this was completely useless as it stands.
Still unsure but it feels disheartening to hear. I also meant to come out to my mom tonight but couldn't work up the courage and shes already asleep.
This was supposed to be a fucking landmark day, like the first day of things getting better and I feel like I'm just more behind I fucking hate it. This was supposed to be a good day and its just turned to fucking shit.
I wouldn't want to be cis, but fuck sometimes I wish I wasn't trans.
god damn... that girl in the mirror is getting some curvesI'M FREE!!! I'M NEVER DOING A SHIFT WITH THIS GUY AGAIN!!!
He's not even bad, a few of my co-workers were talking shit (although idk what rumors were true or not) but HE DOESN'T STOP SMOKING. My poor asthmatic lungs still feel it, was coughing up a storm 😖
I work in a queer culturally-specific organization and it makes shit so much worse when we do harm. I'm having a bit of a crisis about it all.
cw sexual harassment, familial abuse, racism
I reported a client for repeated sexual harassment, and rather than ending services, my coworkers convinced his homeless sister to sign a lease where she pays his rent while continuing to live homeless herself. We had known about and documented several instances of abusive behavior before this, but they still went through with it.
Then we had a staff meeting where my boss said we could "speak freely and without consequences" and a coworker reference "whistling at white women" when I said I didn't appreciate being called "babygirl" and having my body commented on during every case meeting. Apparently I just can't take a compliment.
There's a lot that happens here that's like "lmao I'm sure glad right wing media doesn't know what's going on in here", but this actually shook me, and the accusations had me self-critting all weekend about my response to being sexually harassed.
well, my parents now know that i’m planning to try to get mobility aids (an electric wheelchair if possible). i think they’re adjusting to this new normal of me not being healthy anymore, even though this isn’t new to me. idk maybe it’s just because we aren’t in the same house rn but they actually seem to be taking my health issues seriously this time.
t4t = team 4tress two
@EstraDoll@hexbear.net when are all 17 of us getting together for legos today
t4t venting
disclaimer : none of what i'm about to say here is directed at anybody on this site. just processing some past stuff that's
related if anything lol. furthermore, my intention is not to dictate what is & isn't a valid way of being trans, but to relate to you a very certain kind of individual yearning.
so it kinda hit me that the lack of leftists around me eventually got me stuck on this track of, like, expecting potential t4t contacts to at least not make me feel like an alien. boy was i ever a fool
like, ok, how can i possibly expect the cissies in my life to understand where i'm coming from, when even the trans individuals i meet are clueless libs as a rule 
like, i identify as a transfem enby, basically, which seems to be way too complicated for most folks, trans or not. & ofc on a rational level i understand that people are gonna people. even those who mean well tend to have an extremely limited idea of gender. still, i'd be lying if i said it wasn't outright painful to keep running into siblings who were content to be reinforcing the very things that are designed to hold us down.
i'm trans, first & foremost. all that i am beyond this is more or less directly due to the trauma of having to grow up in, navigate & survive a patriarchal society. i can not & will not forget what created me. i suppose it must have made sense to me that, finally connecting with "my own kind," it would be a common sentiment.
Permanently Deleted
sex sad shitpost
I spent like an hour prepping and trying to Get There from Butt Stuff and all I got was this lousy shitpost
👕
hey someone tell me that they're coming over to my place and want to fuck. my room is a mess and i need motivation to clean it. we don't have to fuck and you don't even have to come over actually
EDIT: i come back to hexbear and there are 5 fucking trans people in my notifications saying that they're coming over to play legos today wtf??
There I was, watching a trashy reality TV show when I spotted men with thick, hairy, juicy thighs and suddenly experiencing the desire nay urge to fuck them. Thighs were always a more femme thing for my bi brain, and now they've made the leap to universal hotness signifiers like big ol butts.
My god, what has happened to me
chronic illness, doctors
went to urgent care today about my current fatigue crash and damn, i wish the nurse practitioner who saw me could be my gp. she validated my chronic fatigue symptoms, she actually suggested it may be me/cfs (!!!), and she told me that the previous gps i saw who wrote off my chronic illness as just depression were wrong and that i should keep advocating for myself. she actually said that i should find a new pcp because my old pcp was not taking my issues seriously. i have never felt so validated from a medical professional before. i honestly want to cry just thinking about it.
I look into the mirror and I now see a cross between a twink and a butch lesbian so that's exciting
You know, sometimes I just think about how many wild turns life can take you. When I was a kid, I honest to god had no idea where life was going to take me. All of it seemed so mysterious and unimaginable what it would even be like
Today I looked down at my copy of Settlers. Inside of it is a little business card reminding me of my next Planned Parenthood appointment, and I'm off to go get my eyebrows done this afternoon. "A copy of Settlers with an HRT appointment reminder card". God, this really is just how life turns out, huh? My eight year old ass never would have guessed in the slightest
Cursed with my voice 💀
mental health, downer, ramble, reflection
Im not doing to well. Im not really a person. Im a mirror. I reflect the person Im talking to. Its why groups are hard for me. I become who Im interacting with. Or i become what they want me to be. I dont like it. I dont like being around men, because i reflect and become them. Im not a boy. Im a girl. I dont want to reflect and become them.
I love everyone around me. I mirror them, then i love them. Because if i love them then its kinda like loving myself. When I want love and care i provide love and care to others. I hope that they will give me love and care. If i can make them happy they can make me happy. If i love them hard enough then i will feel loved. If i am them, and i love them, then i love myself. Thats not how it works. But i keep pretending it is. Im not them. I want to stop being a mirror. I want to love myself. But how can I if I dont know who i am?
I want to want things. Im afraid of it. If im someone else, i can stop being them and be a different person when im rejected and discarded. I can seperate everything out. Compartmentalize. Im very good at compartmentalizing. What if what i want is wrong? Stupid? Poor taste? Hurtful? Insulting? I want to want things. I want to want. I do want. At least a little. I want faery lights strung in my room. I want nice bedding thats cute and pink and wonderful. I want the things I didnt get to have growing up. It all costs money. I have no income. I cant justify the expenses.
I cant even justify lazer. It would bring me relief. It would make things better. But i cant justify it. I should justify it. But i cant. I tell myself its too much, ive made it this far with visible shadow every day, ive made it this far bleeding from my face whenever I shave. So whats one more day? Just one more day. One more. No tomorrow, just today. One more day. One more. Only one. If i cant justify fixing my face, how can I justify faery lights? Or nice bedding? Or cute pillows?
I want other things sometimes too i guess. But those arent worthwhile, they dont have emotional value. Theyre fun, but dont carry weight in my heart. Theres a difference. I want to want from my heart. From my emotional center. Not from activity. Not from analytics. From my heart.
Activity is so much, but its just a way to avoid talking to people. I want to want things because wanting is an aspect of being a person. I want to go here. I want to eat this. I want to talk to you. I want to play this game. I want. The wanting is the core of movement through life. I dont want, so i dont move.
I want to be vulnerable with someone. Share my entirety with them. My physical mental and emotional self. But i dont know who that self is. How can I share something with someone when I dont know what it is? Its not a box I can hand to them. Its abstract thoughts and feelings.
I want faith and hope in the future. I want to know that it will all be ok, i will be ok, my family and friends will be ok, we will be happy.
I want a happily ever after. I hate that we grow up with that narrative ending. It doesnt exist. But i want it so badly. I want to not have to worry and just be happy. I want my story to end, and end with a "happily ever after". I dont want to write anymore. The book has no more plot points, no more movement. Its been stagnant for so long, and will not move further. I want to stop writing my story. I want it to be over. I just want to write "happily ever after" and thats it, its done, period. End of sentence. End of chapter. End of book. End of series. End of story. 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓔𝓷𝓭
after finally coming back to lemmy and seeing that dredge tank post i checked the comm and theres literally a guy calling me transphobic talking about a comment i made 6 or 7 months ago from a lemmy.ml account i used to use calling someone out for being a weird chaser and being gross towards trans women which the person responded to by saying their partner is a femboy so theyre absolved from all blame
the average lemmy user is literally this:
Debasing myself at the feet of the queer ND-friendly hairdresser like "I'm sorry it's such a mess my mother never taught me hair care
"I'm sorry for being so naive but I was charmed by Tim Walz initially. And his work as governor seemed promising.
So I know that I deserve to be disappointed but it was actually disorienting to see someone who reminds me of my best friends Dad war mongering in regards to Iran .
We just can't have anything nice, can we.
I'm so sick of having no motivation not gonna lie
if i come out at work, i can use that as an excuse to ignore anyone who calls me a manSee a cute looking women who is too old for me once, compliment her, then we part ways forever...
extended vent featuring health issues, drugs, dysphoria, negative thoughts, food issues, money.
i'm just so fucking overwhelmed with everything. i'm so sick, so tired, so socially withdrawn and life just won't let up. i just want to feel okay. this isn't like a crisis or anything, i'm gonna survive and things will get better with time but i finally felt like i could get into words all of the shit that i've been trying to cope with.
got covid 2 months ago while my partner and i were travelling home n they were moving to my country. been sick ever since. it's the second time i've picked up a chronic illness from an infection, and the last time it took over a year to feel reasonably back to normal. and i was chronically ill before that. partner ended up worse off than me n going through a very long medication withdrawal. and i've just been struggling to do the bare minimum to survive since then. things got even harder when we ran out of the medication i've been using to treat all the post-covid symptoms i've been having, and cope with stress and pain, and since then i've barely been able to sleep or eat. but also everyone in my community basically depends on me to get food and water since i'm the only one of us able to drive, and it's 20 minutes walk up a mountain from the point i can park the car. a trip out leaves me in bed for the rest of the day.
i'm intersex and it's kinda too convoluted to go into specifics cuz it interacts with a different condition i have but this a) causes me to have to take T in order to be maintain some semblance of physical health and mobility, even tho i get dysphoria from body and facial hair and b) has been causing my usually inert uterus to cramp and shed every day for the past year. i only just realised it had been that long. last time i tried to get help with this a few years ago the doctors were incompetent and actively harmful and i'm not willing to go through that again, nor do i think it would be any different. but now also my hormones nearly ran out and the last 2 orders i tried to make didn't arrive. wondering if i should try another company but i would then have to find one, which my brain doesn't like the sound of, and spend money which is in short supply in order to do that, and i'd have no guarantee it would arrive anyway since it would be a new source. and the money isn't even mine cuz i ran out of that and i can't work. i found one last dose after i thought i ran out and that has apparently helped enough that i feel like i can communicate the stuff that's affecting me and write this out. but it's 4am and i have to go out again tomorrow morning and i don't imagine sleep is on the table.
i haven't been able to work on any of the things i need to that would make life less hard work and more comfortable because i've been so sick. and everything has complications that make it overwhelming to even start, or just flat out impossible cuz of not having enouhg money to do it and as much as i've been trying to not feel mad at myself for this cuz i know i'm sick and disabled and i'm doing my best. but the longer this is going on for the worse i feel about myself. feel like it's getting harder and harder to enjoy things or feel excited about anything or make decisions and i'm getting stuck for hours scrolling until i've read everything and then just idly looking for new stuff that isn't there.
i have been really unable to communicate my needs to other people when it comes to stuff i need help with, cuz they're all struggling and not able to do much either, and asking or talking about myself when there is nothing they can do is only going to make them feel bad, and i just don't feel like i deserve it rn. i'm afraid of inadvertently hurting people by just needing help and not being good enough. so i just carry on like my own needs don't exist, and half the time i'm not even aware of them myself.
i'd really like to order a variety of medication and drug that will help my mental and physical health, and maybe even feel a little bit sometimes, and i have been doing that to a limited extent but there isn't really enough money to do that , and the postal service is so broken it takes weeks for anything to arrive. (i do wanna add here that i'm a disabled and neurospicy mess who needes chemical assistance to survive, but i have a good track record of doing that safely and it actually helping me so pls dw)
and it's just fucked because i know things aren't gonna be this bad forever. my partner is slowly recovering and has been able to do things more. and i don't know what i'd have done without them these past couple months, honestly. anxiety meds will arrive and i'll hopefully be able to eat and sleep. friend's car will be fixed soon which means we will be able to drive all the way home and not have to walk. but i'm just feeling really trapped inside myself and dissociated and i don't know how long it's gonna be until i feel okay again. i've been coping p well, largely had a good mood and mental state, until a couple weeks ago. i wanna feel like myself again.
i think that's probably about it. thank u for reading anyone brave enough to make it this far
Hot take, its okay to have secrets, or to not tell people things, or not interact with people you don't want to. Obviously I'm not advocating for with-holding information that harms people.
Everything else aside I cant stop thinking about this current wave of discourse about how people are entitled to know everything about you just cause youre dating, and (*comparing it) to the you have to reveal your trans status thing
sorry I'm venting, obviously I'm not even mentioning the misogyny, which ew
not sure if I should spoiler. What should I even write as spoiler? Weird... existential moment?
I've had these weird moments where I have some existential moment where I go "wait all of this is real, this is reality" and my perspective...shifts? Into 3D. Its quite a surreal moment. What's your surreal/existential moments?
bit of body and bottom dysphoria, tucking
Concerned about getting tucking panties because I don't really have hips yet, and the circumference of my waist is still several inches larger than my hips. Could getting women's shapewear help for both? Like would it help with tucking and be able to tone down my stomache?
Shaving my whole body just as it starts getting cold out might have been a mistake
truly aren't we all working on disco elysium successor projects?
Uh I don't wanna go on Letterboxd anymore. Every time a movie has even the slightest whiff of the gays in its undertones, people go absolutely feral, as if Interview with the Vampire is actually good. I get it, right, but can we hold ourselves to slightly higher standards than that? I'm not against people enjoying things, I just dunno y'know? I wish I saw what they saw in stuff like Nightmare on Elm Street 2.
Also my feet hurt I wish I was watching movies about scary transgender autistic dykes!!!!!!!
Cis people are so weird. One of my housemates said that she is getting rid of her black jeans because they're out of fashion, even though she still likes some of them. She doesn't want to be seen wearing clothes that aren't trendy.
What a boring way to approach self-expression. You just want to look like everyone else? You just want to go with what's popular instead of what you personally like?
Trans/gnc people are sooo much better at fashion
took two whole months but am finally starting to feel somewhat functional. beyond only being able to sleep 3 hours a night that is
What are some signs one might be trans? I have noticed a few things that I think might be suspect, but I still think I'm cis.
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I had a dream last night where I was in this video-game like dungeon and it told me "the dungeon reveals all". I explicitly remember seeing my reflection as a woman and liking it.
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I'm really nervous about aging as a guy, I can't help but worry about going bald or all that stuff, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have dysphoria.
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I never really found myself relating to boys, most of my friend group is an even split in high school, but as an adult I am totally isolated.
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There's been some women I've seen and thought that I wish I looked like them, although the same can be said for men too.
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I've stopped myself a few times and have thought to myself "am I trans?"
There are some things that prove my cis-ness too, but I wonder if any of these signs might mean something.
EDIT: Wow, thanks so much everyone! I’ll be sure to give this all a read!
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OMG. I'm awake at american times, I can talk with people from half across the world. (I couldn't sleep yesterday)
Boomer alert -
The kids nowadays are young enough to have not grown up with optical media, so you hear a lot about "movie CDs are rotting!!!!" in sloptube comments or whatever. I pretty much took this as a falsehood; burned CD-R/RW discs and DVD + and - R/RW discs do often quit, 'cause of the way the laser has to burn the pits and lands into the dye of the disc or whatever. But pressed discs? Maybe Laserdiscs, but I have CDs from like 1986 that are still in perfect playing shape. A copy of "Decade" with literal holes in the plastic player that still plays and rips perfectly.
Recently though I actually found a disc that might be "rotting", which is a 1997 (or whatever) DVD copy of Interview With The Vampire. The problematic vampire yaoi made me fight to watch it, because the disc doesn't really have any scratches, but the data layer at the outer edge of the disc (where the layer change happens) has little nicks and chunks missing, even though the plastic surrounding it is fine. So my Sony 4K player freaks out when it hits the halfway mark, and skips like five minutes because the data is actually missing. PC drives don't do much better, so like... wow, I wonder if this is a manufacturing defect or genuine rot? Wild though, first pressed disc I've ever bought that had non-scratch issues...
Reading a genderbent isekai and going "god I wish that happened to me"
Hey... Wait a minute
i am literally just a girl
started eating instant noodles that had a rip in the paper top (but the plastic wrap was intact)
thought about botulism and now i'm not hungry anymore
The idea of coming out is terrifying. My stomach is in knots every time I think about telling anyone outside of hexbear. I told one friend I was questioning a while back and it went well, so I'm not sure what my issue is. I'll try to break down my reasons.
spoiler
I worry they'll have bad ideas about trans people. There are lots of bad ideas out there, and it seems like a lot of people don't really care about having good opinions on things. So what might they think about trans people, and what will they think of me?
I worry they won't see me as who I am/want to be seen as. They (family and friends) have only known me as a guy. Will they even believe me? And if I'm just going to be seen as [dead name] pretending to be a girl or whatever... that's way worse.
Some of this might be autism, but I worry I don't know how to act right. I don't know how to be a woman, I don't know how to be trans, I don't understandddddd
Status quo changes in general are really hard for me. Slightly off topic, but the church has traumatized me massively. I was taught horrible things and I have struggled ever since. Its still, years after leaving, hard for me to not want to continue traditions from the church. I hate it so much, but its still hard to let go of. And I guess its kinda the same thing here. I know it is bad for me, I know its wrong, I can look around and see the problems. The rot.
dysphoria
Every time I hear myself talk, who do I hear? [deadname]. Every time I look at myself, who do I see? [deadname]. How can I expect better from anyone else?
Social media is icky. Just scrolling makes me jealous, wishing I were being tagged in stuff, "on the inside" of whatever is happening.
I bought some thrift store capris that feel very comfy and am excited to wear them
- just did me a huge solid and permanently banned my account with no warning. I cannot even recover the account. Thanks for the push I needed to never go back to that shithole.
WOKE BEACH BOYS: well she got her daddy's car and she cruised through the vegan hamburger stand now
Again, just got up.
if you're very lazy like me and like to enjoy other folks playlists I found out if you just put 'wlw' into spotify search there are a lot of super sapphic playlists already made by those blessed unlazies
I found this really Interesting FE romhack. Seems really unique and intuitive, I'll report back when I've played more of the game.
Also it's totally pronoun emblem :waow-based:
Very normal things are happening
I remember hearing from uh, @bubbalu@hexbear.net that this was in the works but waow.
sad
dysphoriaposting
cw anatomy ig
My breasts are very small and it bums me out sometimes (like right now)... Its been two years, steady levels (that were pretty high, just got my labs back and e was at 410, when goal is 100-300 (pg/ml)), and still little to no growth. Theyre an AA cup, maybe an A, with no volume. Like, they go out a ways, but have no volume to fill out a bra or look even somewhat normal on my (fairly broad for a woman) chest. I really want to love them but a lot of the time i just look at them and feel sad that theyre so tiny and oddly shaped. Like, my family tends to have C cups or larger on both sides, why did i get the tiny titty gene?
idk i dont want a BA for a few reasons, but might get one just to feel better about my chest. Is that stupid and a poor motivation? I feel like it is... Idk... Idek anymore, i just would like a bit more breast tissue please and thankyouDysphoria, transphobia/exploitation
Tried looking up "transfemme fashion" on pinterest to get some outfit ideas, and while there were some things that were nice/fine, there was a ton of tr**/d***girl/femboy shit in that fucking feed from out of nowhere.
I don't like Pinterest that much, but I do find it useful for aggregation and was hoping to use it to collect some ideas. Now I know that actually trying to see what outfits work for other trans women on that platform is going to be minefield at best.
no new mega? oh well. posting here
wow! having a purse/bag to hold all your stuff in is really nice! not only is it super affirming but it's also really convenient! look at all my stuff in here! i can carry so much on me now! wow!
I've actually really improved on the violin, like a lot. I'm still kind of hard to hear practice, but it's not yeowly screeches anymore and looking at fingerings notations every other note. Now I can sight read AND mostly get the note lol. I think I can even graduate to big girl mode and take off the other 2 fret line thingies. My teacher got me to do third position. Now she just has to give me the secret of vibrato!! How the fuck do they do that, they just shake their hands? It doesn't sound even a little nice when I've tried
I think I have serious trouble regulating emotions. I did a workout today and felt absolutely ecstatic, like mentally I could have kept going for ages but my body was about to collapse. The in the afternoon I went for a walk and for some reason made myself super depressed. I feel lonely and ugly and I hate my body. Why am I like this
Transes, what's going on with me?
spoiler
What's with this whole imposter thing?
Not only do I want to be a woman, but I want to want to be a woman. So why can't I believe it?
My wife and friends are all very supportive. I get she/hers. They use my new name. I'm dressing like a woman. Going through transition things like hair removal and voice training, but there's something holding me back.
I don't even know what it is. I can't even point to it. I'm clearly not cis (and don't want to be), and if I looked at another trans woman and saw her doing all the things I'm doing, I'd be like, "oh, that's a woman." But me? Idk, feels like something STILL hasn't clicked.
Like, I'm happy. I'm happier than I've been in a long time, but I'm afraid I'll wake up one day and be like, "well all that was weird. Wonder what I was thinking."
I ask if I'm doing this for the wrong reasons. What even are the wrong reasons? Lmao.
I've seen a thousand other trans people with this same thought, and now I'm going through it. Ugh, exhausting!
(Gonna keep transitioning tho. I won't be stopped!)
Finally getting some use out of all my cute sweaters
Incredibly important quiz for all my fellow lovely transes
Which would you choose:
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Poltergeist
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Spider
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Swamp Monster
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Dream Demon
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Vampire
Please leave your answers below, thank you!
so far we have 6 vampires, 1 poltergeist, 6 dream demon and 2 spider
as the quiz holder i will add my vote for dream demon too
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new announcement ended up making me sad
got he/him's acting real classy i see
i'm not actually looking to fight anybody. just. took a long time to find a place that actually kinda felt safe enough & suddenly it seems much less so. think i'll be limiting my bear site presence to the trans spaces, for the time being. that's what i'm here for, anyway.much love & strength to all my beautiful siblings
the last couple months have been backbreaking, but it woulda been considerably more difficult w/out this gay lil online living room :3
Ooh this skirt is nice for sleeping/nightwear
monkey paw curls
It constricted my movements so I woke up in the middle of the night and could't go back to sleep. Worst of all, I didn't realize I could just take it off until the morning. Something like this happened once before, my brain just doesn't work sometimes.
@EstraDoll@hexbear.net we should make this when everyone is at your house for legos
Skin is surprisingly soft/smooth for a change. Gonna blame the two injections I had on Tuesday.
spoiler
No, I'm not talking about E. Why would I do two shots of that? Could always have just used more in the single injection.
She's my best friends doggirl
She's my best friends doggirlfriend
And she use to be mine
damn my tiddies are getting fuckin huge
i took some nice pictures of myself today and you could see my tits through my turtleneck
at a distance of about twenty feet
Fuck it
sad
self harm and suicide
Why am I even alive? This is all just pain, its been pain for so long, and I don't see that ever changing. There is so much pain from so many directions. sh'd earlier and it did nothing for me. So like really, how am I supposed to stop being in pain? This happens literally regardless of what I do. Do girl stuff, feel like shit. Self care? shit. smoke weed? A bit better tbh, best I ever feel, but still there. Obviously there's a lot of gender pain, but there's other stuff too. And I am just so sick of all of it.
Even posted about it makes me feel like shit. Like oh here I am just bitching when other people have it worse. Why even post about ending it when I don't have a method. Just stupid drama baiting shit tbh. Probably how everyone sees me. Can't even sh properly so how am I even going to go through with a plan anyway.
Anyway I'm just rambling, I want to escape this. fwiw I don't have a method so don't worry about my safety too much.
Edit: I'm going to head to bed now, hoping to feel better tomorrow. Goodnight mega.
@ashinadash@hexbear.net I looked through your recs and picked up Fluids by May Leitz. Holy fuck is all I can say, I'm at the 2nd part of the book and wtf. I didnt know it was horror until it ramped up lmao
I just received in the mail a personal note from Mark A. offering to buy my home for cash. BUT THAT WASN'T MARK A. WHO JUST DELIVERED IT! It was just some woman with a whole stack of identical letters!
I am starting to think these letters may be a scam.
Eating ice cream was maybe bad idea.
I watched Kiki's Delivery Service last night, and it was very cute, as always! Though this time, I noticed that Kiki often will see another girl, or an older woman, and remark at how pretty she is, and how Kiki wishes she was pretty like that. And as an early transition trans fem, that's such a fucking mood!
So Kiki gets the bespoke award of "My new queer headcanon", alongside that cool painter who lives in the woods and is DEFINITELY a lesbian, and those old ladies who are also probably Gay.
Tl;dr - Kiki is trans, because I said so
meant to post about this last week but I'm delighted with my dye job. I'm naturally a dirty blonde/light brunette depending on the season, with some slight red undertones (stealing valor there tbh, sadly didn't fully inherit that from my mother). I went for like a super deep cherry red, and I'm absolutely loving the result. my hair is easily my favourite physical feature so I'm preening over it even more than usual. washed and conditioned tonight and my curls look great. I was also pleased that I got it done right in time for [personal special occasion] last week where I got to hang out with some of my buds and felt I looked great, even put a full face on which ive also been getting more confident with! I've been pretty freaking depressed lately but I thought I'd push myself to make a positive post hehe. love all my trans comrades!
thinking about any time i've ever successfully cleared the bottom allegations and honestly it's not coming to meI have so many razor bumps on my body
Clicking on the trans mega because I wanted to go to the regular mega???
I fucking did it again
drugs but uh more relevant this time
so i'm AuDHD, but historically speaking, amphetamines have had a p drastic effect on me. like, i'd actually be wanting to leave the house & loved just talking w/ ppl about anything & everything, all through the night. i'd be getting chores done like it's nothing. now tho? i'd rather stay. quietly in bed & use my newfound focus to shove things into my brain. it's balancing my emotions & in fact, making it easier for me to rest in the clutches of insomnia.
there's been quite a lot going on over the last year or so & i often can't be sure what's what, but i gotta wonder, does anyone feel like hrt has changed the way they react to certain chemicals?
My sister decided to tell her therapist about me, saying I looked happier after I transitioned. She told me that it's probably the happiest she's even seen me, and I'm pretty glad that others can see how I'm feeling. Still have stuff going on, but it says a lot about just how bad I was pre-transition.
Also, her therapist told her that I need to get therapy and find other trans people IRL (friendships or support groups). Trust me, I know, her therapist really read my mind from idk how many miles away
Wish Winter would come already i want to wear leggings and thigh highs but its still fucking summer Temperature in fall
it's been too long since EstraDoll's talked about her tits, hasn't it?
i got a planned parenthood appointment in about two weeks where i'm going to try asking for prog and honestly i think they might just take one look at my chest and say "girl you got enough". 5 months in and these girls are pushing a B cup good lord
I had a dream about getting to the top of the list of bottom surgery and going to the clini to get it on!! I was mostly excited - although they did keep asking me to do weirder tasks also
sex
I was bummed I hadn't made a copy of my current fock for after, but I didn't let that be a concern.
The tasks were like, nursing skill/knowledge quizzes but at some point the testing people left without a word and apparently I "passed" the final test by finding them
I just discovered that the hippie skirts I've been buying can also be used as a dress. They even have a little neck strap thing that I can tie into a cute bow. This is life changing information.
getting my updated hormone levels back in about two weeks to talk about. if they look good i might be able to stop spiro and maybe then i'll be able to sleep again
(sees a fat squirrel blissfully eating a big ass triple peanut while standing on his hind legs and pissing at the same time without a care in the world)
Hell yeah dude, respect
walked around and existed in public, used words with strangers, and got boba at the end. pretty good friday night
in my feelings
Re-watched I saw the tv glow 2 weeks ago with my girlfriend and it fucking destroyed me the second time around. Really took me by surprise because I didn't even tear up the first watch.
Same week I started sobbing from the pain during my laser session, like I was a total mess. I absolutely could not stop it from happening and It's not something that ever happened to me pre transition.
Today I connected just a little too hard with a song and started crying on my drive home.
E has turned me into a crybaby and I fucking love it. I love crying. Why? No clue, maybe it's because it's a sign that my emotions are actually available to me now.
Ya girl also started stimulants last week and today I doubled my dosage from 5mg to 10mg and I feel so so so emotionally energized.
2024 Pt.2 is looking up for me.
More people have begun trying to gender me correctly at work, and it's very nice. There's one coworker in particular that's been absolutely wonderful about using the name I requested and using fem coded language. It felt so unbelievably nice when she gave me a copy of something I had asked for in the group chat and right at the top of the page was my name hand written. Idk it's such a small thing but it felt so nice.
Also, I made a key for my midterm review in the cute handwriting I've been working on and I had a student compliment my handwriting and uhhghghghghghghgh no one's complimented my handwriting before!!! People have made neutral remarks about my old handwriting, like how it's very tall and skinny and consistent, but no one has ever just told me they liked it until now. It was neat being on the other end of that, since I've told soooooo many women I loved their handwriting lol.
Also also, I'm not so sure about the idea of calling my birth name my deadname. I think I still like it and might end up wanting it as my middle name, even if it's kind of aggressively masc. I say that, but it might be my extreme sentimentality talking. I mean, I literally still tell people my favorite color is green even when it isn't, because I considered it my favorite color for so long and it feels weird to just sort of ditch it. So it's very likely that the same kind of thing is happening with my birth name, where I don't actually like it that much, but the sentimentality makes me feel like I'm losing something by giving it up. I will say that my chosen name has all of the components that I like about my birth name, but has the additional benefit of my liking the name itself. I wish I could share my name with you all, because it's sooooooooo cute.
As soon as I consider the thought of making my birth name my middle name, I'm immediately smacked with the realization that I could instead pick something cute as my middle name and that already sounds much more appealing to me. This whole time I've been simping over the overwhelming cuteness of the first name I've selected, but neglecting the reality of a whole ass other name I can consider.
This post is a bit of an amalgamation of various random ramblings haha. Perhaps I could have made each of them their own post to boost our post count...
i knew Diddy was really fucked when they started calling him Sean Combs again
autism, agoraphobia, whining about trying to be social and normal and it not going well
Cool relative is in town and wanted to go out and do stuff with me
Went out to dinner which I never do and everything was disappointing
Went to the batting cage, rolled my ankle and jammed my thumb
Went to a cat café and you have to book appointments in advance to actually go in and play with the kitties so I just got a cute mug for my mom
Went to a barcade and it was really loud and overwhelming and the non alcoholic IPA was underwhelming and a little flat
Had a really bad headache and had to drive home in the dark and LED headlights made it worse
I think I'm just allergic to outside and fun
Shit like this makes me aware that I'm probably way more spectrum-y than I usually think
Every attempt to Make Myself Have Fun feels magnetically repulsed by me and just leaves me exhausted and sad about how bad I am at interacting with the outside world
I feel like I need a week in bed in low lights and recording booth sound panels on my walls now
I'm just not cut out for this shit
So excited to do a couple of spooky roleplaying with people!
https://hexbear.net/post/3667072
Already have a couple Tuesdays lined up for some Delta Green / SCP-style scares with mostly trans hexbears
whining
Having the first dysphoria day in months. Trying my best to pull myself out of the hole. Washed and styled my ratty hair. Tried on 2 outfits, hated them, found a third. Even if I'm miserable, I will be queer in public. I will spite the cis.
So anyway, when I was a guy, my wife used to describe me with a lot of different adjectives ranging strong to sexy and everything in between. Things related to my personality or values.
Since starting transition, she only describes me as some form of pretty (I know I'm lucky to have someone to describe me as pretty, but I'm emotional and whining rn). I brought up that it was kind of fucked up months ago because, while I enjoy being pretty and beautiful, it's not the ONLY thing I am as a fem. I know she doesn't always want to be described in those terms either. She didn't really take it seriously.
This morning, when I finally got my outfit settled, she said I looked like "the smartest woman in the room" and I legit got dewy eyed (that's where I am emotionally today). So I brought up my issue again, and I think it will stick this time.
I think it's good advice generally to open up the narrow confines of "cute" and "pretty" when trying to achieve femininity. Would recommend.
Watched the People's Joker on tankietube. Glad it was uploaded there, since I couldn't find a torrent elsewhere.
Gave it 3/5 stars on Letterbox. I enjoyed it overall. Vera Drew herself is transition goals.
Real sleeping in a capsule hotel and the fucker next to me is too zonked out to hear his alarm hours. On the bright side, after staying up for like 30 hours yesterday and being forced awake at 5am I might have a somewhat normal sleep schedule for the rest of the trip?
Anyone have shopping recs in Osaka for someone that is still very boymode but wants to look for cute things? I'm also like a foot taller than most Japanese women and there's no way there will be any shoes that fit my giant feet. A yukata would be nice, tho...
So the suggestion with the most upbears for queer movie night was Mulholland Dr, with Bit and Your Name coming in just behind. Unless someone has an issue with that, Mulholland Drive it is. idk, should I do a poll or something or does this sound good?
dysphoria
Body is awful. I feel very disconnected from it a lot of the time, any time I get brought back I hate it. This is all wrong.
Some stuff (and hopefully a lot of the mental stuff) will improve with hrt. But I don't know if I can/should start right now. Even still there's other stuff that won't be fixed. Will I ever like and accept my body.
self harm urges
Whatever bad vibes my body is giving me (can't tell if it's dysphoria or something else), it really makes me want to cut my arms. Only stopped by scars. Giving in and doing something non scarring (like a band) wouldn't stop the urges.
Maybe (and maybe this is not a good idea, obviously I'm feeling awful and want to self harm so my ideas are not good) if I just told them I was self harming and need to transition they'd understand... How could anyone leave me like this.
Slice of life reverse isekai anime
My Boss is from Another World! Haruto Tanaka, a mild-mannered office worker, finds his monotonous life flipped upside down when his new manager turns out to be Zarvath, a once-feared Demon King transported from a fantasy world. Struggling to adjust to modern human society, Zarvath trades dark sorcery for spreadsheets and team-building exercises. While Haruto teaches him how to survive office politics and commuter trains, Zarvath introduces Haruto to strange life lessons—like the importance of personal pride, loyalty, and conquering one’s fears (even if it’s just asking for overtime pay).
The show follows their quirky friendship as Zarvath tries to use his "otherworldly" wisdom to improve the company's operations, often with hilariously disastrous results. Meanwhile, remnants of Zarvath’s old world (like enchanted artifacts or rivals accidentally crossing over) show up, adding fantasy chaos to everyday office life.
I think this basically a version of assassination classrom actually, back to the drawing board
Went inside after working outside, so I was a little sweaty. Was talking to my brother when I decided I needed to air out some of the sweat and just pulled my shirt up just over chest. Then realized what that looked like. Oops. My brother's reaction was just to comment "boobs do get hot".
there's a bug in the thing I'm doing at work that I've been procrastinating on for months, but now that it's been publicly released, I can't reproduce it, and none of the end users have complained about it
I have started playing Slay the Princess, a indie horror visual novel with hand drawn art. Its fully voice acted and has weird time stuff. Its a good game, its even on gog, if you like that kind of thing. Some spoilers ahead, although I haven't finished the game yet. Oh and a CW/spoiler for the game:
spoiler
In one of the endings you commit suicide in a very violent way. Its obvious its coming, I'm not sure if its avoidable or if sensitive players should just cut that story loop short. I don't remember if there's any gore in that particular ending, but there is gore in other endings.
spoiler
The game immediately feels eerie. The atmosphere is full of dread. You can try to turn around, but are unable to actually do so. If you test the barriers of the game, you are pushed to the cabin. The cabin starts bare, with only a knife on a table. You grab it, or don't, and enter the basement. The narrator reminds you repeatedly through this whole process how dangerous the princess is and how important slaying her is, and how it must be done immediately.
There's a lot of dialog options in the basement. None of them work out for you, the player. She is a demon. A trickster, who can't be believed. Once in the basement, unless you stick exactly to the script you die. Sometimes you can kill her first. If you try to leave the basement, another (unknown) character locks you inside. Its too late to be saved at this point.
Assuming you don't get the "good" ending, after you (and possibly her) die you get brought to the beginning. Things change, depending on how you died and what dialog options you chose previously. The cabin changes, the state you find her in is different, you get different dialog. You start to splinter, there are more voices in your head. The voice of the broken, of cold. Your internal monologue becomes chaotic. But in a way, nothing changes. You are still supposed to kill the princess, and it becomes much harder. I'm not sure if there are any "good" endings past day one. If you don't defeat her perfectly and live in the void the narrator gives you, you become trapped in a cycle of violence. You die more, you get more voices, she becomes more powerful. It feels completely hopeless.
One of the endings (I don't completely remember how to get back here but I believe you have to kill her enough times?) she, this creature, possesses you. You hear her voice within your own head. Telling you to bring her to the rest of the world. That can't happen. She has proven herself to kill you if given any opportunity. You can't befriend her. I threw myself into a void, killing both of us. She is twisted and sick. Vengeful. She needs you to let her out. Once you start engaging with her, you are already doomed. She can't be entertained at all. If you do kill her at the very beginning and live, your life is empty. Floating in a void, told you are happy.
Maybe I'm
a bit, but this is the most hopeless a game has made me feel. This game reminds me a lot of depression.I haven't finished the game yet, there are more paths I need to explore. There's an overarching plot line I haven't seen through yet. And I'm hoping to watch a video essay or two about the game, just to make sure I haven't missed anything and to hear other's thoughts on the experience. Anyway, that's my thoughts on the game at this point, its quite the experience for me.
Got some new shoes from Torrid yesterday. For anyone with dummy thicc feet that don't fit into normal women's shoes, definitely check them out. Also, looking for more shoe shopping options. I wear a women's 13-14 depending on the brand and width and volume are the biggest issues. My feet are 110mm wide at the ball and even men's wide shoes were often insufficient.
The physical sensation of my thighs touching each other after a fresh shave is S tier
those red bears who love to do nothing more than wipe their own ass on TV are doing a lot more to confuse today's kids than any trans people, i tell you hwat
dysphoria
Ugh, my clothes for work feel so bad. I could really feel the difference between the weekend and today based off of that alone. Anybody know how I can femme up jeans and a really bad sweatshirt? I'm aware I could probably get it a size down, but I need some other ideas in case that doesn't work
In other news, I binged Nevada. What a horrible idea, now there's so many thoughts going through my head. This happens every time I binge something, but I can't seem to put stuff down once I get into it.
My "My GTA 5 online character model doesn't give me gender dysphoria" shirt is raising a lot of questions answered by my shirt
I've only seen the clips people post on twitter, but Ranma seems much happier as a girl
I got some kickass punk boots last week and got a nice outfit going with it. Next outfit will be punk denim bc I saw a cute girl at work wearing that.
chronic illness
fuck i'm feeling the same kind of woozy nauseous hunger that i was feeling in the days leading up to my crash earlier this year that literally left me bedbound for two weeks (and mostly housebound for a while after that). i can't have a crash like that in college, i'm terrified that it's going to happen again. literally i will fail all my classes. and i can't get food here either without going to the dining hall.
Couple of sweet things happened yesterday. First, and older woman co-worker said she always thinks I have such pretty hair and she wanted to let me know, then when I walked past a day care on my way home one of the small kids yelled "mommy" after me several times, it was very cute.
then i got a bit sad i'll never be able to have kids the normal wayI've changed most of my bedtime routine to an evening routine because I've fallen asleep on the couch with all my make-up on way too often. That's probably not great for my skin and I hope I can be more consistent with it this way.
Not Like Before by Lily Seabrooke and Jacqueline Ramsden spoilers they kissed uwu
this book is real cute, chat. Mackenzie is adorable and trans and Lola is very cute underneath the stoic shell too even if she is cis. They still havent traversed the trans question so I'm expecting it to blow up in their face eventually. The whole first kiss and then being massively depressed and sad because "maybe she doesnt actually like me
" nonsense was very precious and cute and adorable and that's the angst that I want to mainline in my fiction. The book is only halfway done so I assume there's going to be some massive shit that's going to hit the fan and I'm here for it. 
you know, I feel like gamefreak really did not need to add like 100 new pokemon per gen on average. we all got faves that are part of an archetype, mine is Pidove the gen 5 route 1 pigeon, but like most of these really are just bloat. they ofc could totally make the 1025 3d models to have every pokemon in a game, but like they put themselves in that position by making so many god damn pokemon that really just kinda do not need to exist
Cislamic State is that a joke?
We're probably not going to go on strike 🥳🥳
Depends on the voting by members, the bargaining committee and a mini assembly of about 500 nurses are recommending we vote yes. We'll get a nice lil raise from this contract and some boosts to different premiums. Also more rural incentives. I haven't read the new contract proposal, one of the sticking points was including safe patient ratios in the contract - I have a feeling we had to give on that, which sucks.
My lower back and hips hurt
Wish I had someone who could massage and rub em for me 😒 tylenol and a535 aren't working
So thanks to all my fellow transes voting in my quiz i have decided the order of monster romance books i will read next, the first book was decided via simulated coin toss because both vampire and dream demon got the same amount of votes
Dream Demon -> She Came at Midnight by Darva Green
Vampire -> She Came for Blood by Darva Green
Spider -> In the Court of the Nameless Queen by Natalie Ironside
Poltergeist -> At the Crossing by Suzanne Clay
and finally completely forgotten
Swamp Monster -> She Came from the Swamp by Darva Green
i can't seem to get brain to do anything other than rolling spliffs, smoking spliffs, and pressing the reload button
We uphold TC69 Thought.
Look out motherfuckers...
the psychiatrist aiming to understand my crippling desire to see two girls kissing
)
You're telling me this character is a BOY and I've been using this emoji this whole time and NOBODY told me!?
When our turn comes, we shall make no excuses for the transing.
