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  • Just got back from a date and it confirmed for me that I cannot date. Certainly not now, maybe not ever again. I'm absolutely emotionally unavailable. I just want to be back with my ex. It's too bad, this person was cute and really into me, we agreed to a 2nd date already because I hadn't processed some of the feelings yet but it all came up on my way home. Going to have to figure out how to let them down kindly, promptly.

    I guess almost half a year isn't enough time to get over such a long term relationship with a longer term friend. I want to just give up on everything.

  • ::: spoiler Doomery [Fears About Familial Transphobia Too] On top of all of this job hunting bullshit, I feel like my post for rent fundraising is going at a slower pace than usual... sucks. To be fair, I did have to get two overdrafts covered, and if it weren't for that, I'd probably be around $100 in. Usually, a few HBs come in with some really hard clutch towards the end of the month, but I always get this nagging fear where I say, "What if this is the month where I won't be saved?" It's a horrifying outcome to sit on and think about, no matter how familiar I get with that scary feeling, and it happens every month. It's obviously the primary reason why I really just want to fucking get a job already so that I don't have to live with this fear.

    I also hate how it makes it so much harder to cope and just vibe. The things I usually enjoy like listening to music, composing, watching video essays, talking to buds, and whatever, they just don't seem like I'm "allowed" to enjoy them at a certain point. I start victim blaming myself, saying, "Am I really doing everything I can in my power to get a job?"

    I have resorted to things I definitely did not want to do. I hate working with animal products, yet I still applied for places like KFC and McDonalds. I have seen about shitty part-time gigs and even temporary ones to see if I can have the slightest bit of grace and some income. I have asked DeepSeek to give me "outside the box" recommendations. I really have thought about so much. I look on Google maps to see what businesses are available and if I can email them directly. On top of all of this, I have to ensure that, especially in my shitty state, they're not going to be put off by me being androgynous and having freeform dreadlocks.

    I genuinely feel clueless, and I get a headache when I think too long on the question of what could be different.

    These worries about making rent, job hunting being ridiculously frustrating to a point near damn complete hopelessness, and the uncertainty of just about everything continues to be depressing. Hopefully, my birth month ends up being at least somewhat joyful. To make matters worse, I have to worry about my "family" violating boundaries and trying to reach me during the day,

    I do have some job interviews coming up, but I feel like the job hunt situation puts me in a catch 22 with interviews. I need to be in a good mood, determined, and motivated to do good in a job interview, but I need to actually have hope that a place will hire me to be in a good mood, determined, and motivated in a job interview. And I've exhausted so much effort, energy, and preparation in job interviews only to get the highest level of disrespect imaginable in return that my mind still struggles to remain in that psychological spot of, "It's still worth it to try your best." :::

  • Are there more poc-friendly horror spaces anywhere? I’ve mentioned before how the gore community makes racial issues here look like Club Penguin, but it’s getting to be too much.

    Constant uses of the f-slur and n-slur with the hard R being placed in various images because funny. Then there’s the edits featuring the most dated anti-black stereotypes imaginable.

    I love horror and exploring the genre but so many edgelords make the fandom hard to be a part of.

    • Constant uses of the f-slur and n-slur with the hard R being placed in various images because funny. Then there’s the edits featuring the most dated anti-black stereotypes imaginable.

      I love horror and exploring the genre but so many edgelords make the fandom hard to be a part of.

      JFC, you just casually experience that?

      • Yes. This particular fandom is very niche and has its roots in 4chan from the 2010’s so I guess I pretty much knew what to expect. What kept me in was the niche topic itself and that there are genuinely good people who are pushing back against the bigotry. But every now and then the slurs rear their ugly head.

        Edit: But the larger horror community has this problem too. Too many anti-SJW rants and prominent creators like David Firth of Salad Fingers whining about how migrants are ruining the UK.

  • Job hunting seriously continues to be depressing. I've been in this hole of unemployment for too long. I've had brief moments of hope, such as a time where I did have a job for a few months but got fired for no apparent reason and job offers that ended up being disappointing, misleading, or even scams.

    I seriously just wanna be able to be an exploited worker like everyone else... at least in that case I can feel some level of "independence" and "freedom," as they call it.

    It feels like an endless hell, and I have many aspirations, like leaving this shitty state or being able to get the music equipment I need to record a debut album, but it's hard for me to even see that end in sight. I'm confused and don't know what more to do. I try to sit, research, and brainstorm ideas but get overwhelmed by how long I do it and come up with nothing in the process.

  • I hate seeing news articles about trumps racism and racist policies. We all know he's racist, why do we keep clutching our pearls everytime he does something he's known for. Also this country was always racist so what is there to be surprised over. Come back to me when you're ready to get guns

  • I really wish that leftist homies would stop pulling their daggers out on each online and go plug into any sort of real world organization. Something as small as dungeon and dragons group to a straight up leftist org. I hate the internet so much it’s really got people backwards. Go link up with real people leftist homie, link up and and be a part of something.

    It’s feel this doubly for my fellow PoC-homies. Like I hate seeing PoC lefties doing weird online flame wars over nothing. Feels bad to see.

    I love computers and computer nerd shit, but I still think the internet was a mistake.

    • Online sectarianism does nobody any favors, IMO. It's unproductive at best and wrecker behavior at worst. Seeing online leftists argue over shit that happened before anyone was alive makes me nope out.

      We're in the "people are being disappeared by the government" stage of collapse and terminally online dorks are getting into flame wars over nothing. Like go punch some nazis or something instead of getting upset and arguing with the two Marxist-Leninist-Maoist-Hoxhaist-Dengist-Trotskeyite-Moo Dengist anarchists that exist in the United States.

      • I've generally stayed away from places where I'm going to see this much, but a few weeks ago I checked out an anarchist song that was posted here and decided to read the youtube comments... uh. Big mistake. But also it really was just some petty historical shit. Like why not look towards the past to learn from mistakes that were made rather than rehashing an argument that should have died out ages ago?

    • Even irl I find US anarchists to be the most insufferable people. Most of them are radlibs who spend their time talking purely on culture war bs and lecturing you for not being fully in-line with them.

      Guatemalan anarchists are okay for the most part. They’re mostly helpful but tend to swallow the anti-China bs a little too easily. Most of their best work is involved with disrupting government operations in the cities.

  • Did horrible at my physical training yesterday, was just uncoordinated and not good at cardio. Hope I improve with time and am able to balance more, as it was pretty embarrassing.

  • Final update: we decided not to talk anymore, not even as friends, and I respect that.

    She's genuinely a good person, and even though things didn't work out how I hoped, I'm grateful for the time we shared. It showed me my heart's full capacity to love and proved that the kind of person I'm looking for in a relationship can exist, even if it's not her.

    This was different from anything I've felt before. Looking back, my past "love" I had other people was built on potential. I idealized people, loved who I wanted them to be, not who they really were. With her? No illusions. I loved her exactly as she was. That's why I couldn't settle for anything less than something real and lasting. Since that's not mutual, walking away is the right call.

    I hope our conversations brought her even a little joy or warmth. For me, the experience was priceless, and if it brightened her world in any way, that makes it even more meaningful.

    No regrets. Just gratitude.

    Also, still a thug!

    In good news, my freeform dreadlocks just keep getting better and better. Nothing will teach you patience like growing freeforms, damn! Birthday's also hella close.

    I share a birthday with a very famous abolitionist, go figure. If that hint doesn't help you, also consider the piano man.

  • Well I’m back from El Salvador and my break. I gotta say it feels good being around leftists who can actually analyze the situation using our own history and not ww2. They understand how hard the 20th century was for the region and how much Bukele is resembling Maximiliano Martinez.

    My own family are mixed on him. The men are unsurprisingly die hards who see him as some sort of tough guy while most of the women respect him cracking down on crime but want him to leave migrants alone.

    You have to remember that the things he’s doing didn’t start with him but he’s making the largest spectacle out of it. The whole targeting people with tattoos was a thing that started with Honduras in the 2000’s and Guatemala has a long history of disappearing people in US backed prisons, including American citizens. One of whom the Clintons mocked.

    I still think Bukele is a regional issue. Mexico and Colombia are welcome to get involved with their countries being linked to Central America but that’s as far as I’m willing to go.

    We have to also remember that climate change is hitting El Salvador hard. Harder than it is with Guatemala. I think Guatemala will survive by the end of the century in a very fractured state but I think El Salvador will be one of those countries that will no longer exist.

    • westerners really like to compare everything to ww2, its like its the only history class they have

      i dont think claudia or petro will get too involved with bukele besides maybe a comment here and there, it seams most of the deportees are from venezuela and central america, plus it seams the main strategy of the latam pink tide is ignore the right wing govs and push for more regional integration

      glad your travel to el salvador went well

      • It does seem that way and Bukele has expressed interest in Central American integration. Arevalo seems less enthused than our previous president so I guess we’ll see if it ever comes to be.

  • I wanna get back into writing but when I wanna make my characters speak spanish I realize how limited I am. I speak it fluently but I never bothered to learn writing it, mostly because I refused to learn the spanish taught in schools. There is something that for sure is gonna be lost if not kept, all the euphemisms and idioms I wanna use would give my characters the sauce.

    • The nice thing about Spanish is everything is spelled exactly how it sounds. AFAIK, accent/dialect differences in Spanish are where they put the stresses in their words, unlike in English where accents are vowel shifts. That means it's easy to sound things out. Mexicans may stress part of a word differently than Peruvians or speak at a different pace, but both pronounce their A, E, I, O, and U's the same way.

      The most challenging is going to be Peninsular Spanish vs. Spanish spoken in the Americas.

      • Latin Spanish is is the only one I'll acknowledge

        but for it is useful how you could sound it out most of the time. I have looked for one phrase though that my parents have said and I seen in the old DBZ Latin dub and found nothing, calabaza de fortnoce I know what calabaza means but the last part no real clue how to spell or what it means and parents don't know either

      • Hmm, I'm curious how you got that impression? In Spanish, the syllabic stress is completely set in stone. Words ending in n, s, or a vowel get a diacritic accent if they have their stress on their final syllable, otherwise they get the accent if they have a stress on the second-to-last syllable. All words with the stress before then get the accent.

        Examples:

        arroz: ah - RROZ (no accent, ends in z and has stress on final syllable)
        atún: ah - TOON (accent because it ends in n and has stress on final syllable) año: ahn - yuh (no accent, second-to-last ending in vowel)
        huésped: WUHS - ped (accent because stress on second-to-last and ends on d)
        esdrújula: ess - DROO - who - lah (always accent because stress comes more than 2 syllables away from ending)

        I'm not a linguist but afaik the distinction between Spanish accents is really more about slight differences in how letters are pronounced and the flow between syllables, more subtle than stress.

  • Back on the grind.

    I am not on that grind mindset, get me the fuck outta here

    Honestly though, it hasn't been too bad today. Let's see how I feel 3 weeks into a 6 day a week schedule

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