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What do we do about this.
Normalize not demanding explanations, and start accepting 'I just couldn't' as a valid answer. Don't let normie neurotypicals define what is "Normal'.
I'd like to be competent, though.
Competent at what specifically? Basic daily life like chores and dishes? External motivators are way better than internal. I never clean "for myself". I clean because my wife needs it for her emotional well-being, and I clean because it would be embarrassing for guest or maintenance to see it.
Other potential options are therapy and medication, but I acknowledge the privelage of having them and that many people dont have that as an option. And obviously I'm just some dude so take it all as anecdotal evidence.
But for me it comes down to I will rarely do things for myself, so mentally framing them as for other people makes it easier
You're very right, I'm very good at doing stuff for other people. Weird isn't it. It's probably the only method that's ever worked.
That's not really an answer.
The things that make people feel/act this way are typically the really important stuff that has to get done or else there are consequences.
We can't just accept 'i just couldn't' in many of these situations.
But sometimes "I just couldn't ' is the answer. You dont mad that a fish can't climb a tree. First you ask why the fish needs to be in the tree. And then if it really does, you help the fish get into the tree. Standing behind it shouting words of encouragement or tgreats mean nothing when a fish can't climb. Far too often people get caught up so much on blaming and shaming people for mistakes or failures that it turns relationships sour and the original problem still doesn't get solved.
I am not qualified to help you with your issues.
Either find a way to work through your issues or don't take on responsibilities that you can't handle.
I know it sounds harsh, but I don't have the tools to help you myself.
Lol i love you you completely prove my point. Like a true neurotypical lol. "It's NoT mY JoB To heLP YOu! JuSt FuCkInG Do IT yOU lAzY SAck oF ShiT!"
That's what you fucking sound like.
I appreciate where you're coming from, I have ADHD too, but it's true that if the answer is "I can't do that" and "that" needs to be done... Then I shouldn't be the one whose responsibility it is to do it. I've taken on more responsibility in my current job than I can handle, and that was a huge mistake. It is not on my employer to just put up with that because I'm neurodivergent, obviously they have a role to play in supporting me but I also need to understand what my limits and strengths are and work within them.
It's being a realist.
If I have to drag you through a task because you aren't capable of doing it then it's easier to just not give it to you to begin with and do it myself.
Thats a real team-based solution focused attitude lol. Nowhere did I say "do it for them". I said help them. Because hey guess what, sometimes people can't do things by themselves. Like I said, standing behind someone and going "just do it" doesn't work. If they need help they need help. And yeah, at some point if they can't do it, they can't do it, and you need someone else to do it.
The key is finding responsibilities and roles that fit the disability. I struggle with the day to day chores, but I also have no problem with scheuled big, non-daily projects like deep cleaning or yard work or whatnot that i can hyperfocus on for 6 hours. It's all about strengths and weaknesses and finding people and jobs that are compatible.
Nothing you've said I inherently disagree with, your tone is just so aggressively dismissive and accusatory.