Anyone else feeling increasingly like 'what the hell is this' when you think about your life?
Anyone else feeling increasingly like 'what the hell is this' when you think about your life?
I stand up, I look out my window at the big city. I think 'how is any of this real, and why do I have to age and eventually die?'
I wake up in the morning in my weird little flat. I wonder to myself, 'so this is it, huh? I just do this until my body fails?'
I cook myself a meal. I find out how a museum works behind the scenes. I get a tour of an office. I see my friends go out. I book a movie ticket. I work out. I watch a comedian. I listen to a podcast. All of these things just make me ponder what the point of it all is. Am I doing it wrong? Am I doing it pretty well? Why should I accumulate all this knowledge if I'm just going to die? What's the point in watching my stupid obscure movies that I can't even talk to people about? Am I missing out on the human experience?
Realistically I'm a happy ape. All my needs are satisfied. But I am a sad human.
I think it's all linked to graduating. The pressures on to do well, the workload is racking up, and then once that's all done I just get thrown into the real world. That's it. Then it truly is just doing the same thing over and over. Then it really is a question of survival. Would it be better to just be a dumb neolithic huntsman who is grateful for his bed of fur in his cave? What the fuck did those guys even think of when they took psychedelics? Well, spirits, I know, but wow, the things in their head must've been so original. If I do them, most of my thoughts are just about the garbage I've watched, and my modern worries that are worrisome but relatively tame.
Is this just a normal thing to go through, and then you get on with it and accept that this is just how things are?
Maybe life is simply starting to get to me, and time will tell if I crack under pressure.
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It is normal, yeah. I have often thought "so this is it, huh?"
At the end of the day, you just have to find yourself something that interests you, something exhilarating. I'm currently playing Street Fighter 6 because I've always wanted to be good at those games, so I finally stopped worrying about how much work it would be and just went into it.
Maybe there's something like that for you, something you want to do, but the effort is putting you off?
I find that the machinations of being a slave of capital are what really drive the sense of pointlessness and disinterest, and the more time you can spend pursuing genuine interests, the more you'll feel like being alive is worth it.
Hi Goadstool! I think you personally have fulfilled something really special in your life, you've made a wonderful game that me and several of my friends have really enjoyed. This is gonna sound corny, but you're a true artist and I'm excited to see what else you might make. I kinda believe a big point of life is to resonate with other people somehow, through art or just being social or enjoying stuff communally, and you've managed to do that
And maybe that doesn't mean a lot to you but it's actually very surreal to me that you're a person I can just observe and interact with like this. I hope that gives you a little bit of self-worth
Oh, well thank you very much. It does mean something, I assure you. I do have a hard time really believing people when they tell me things like this, because of the very small scope of Kor's reach, but no one's ever quite put it to me like this before.
Making a game was also something I had always wanted to do, and in fact it's because I have made one that I feel able to tackle other interests... but I also still want to continue work on my next project... I have a framework laid out, a mock-up, some assets pixeled and animated... it's just hard to find the time with the increasing pressures of capitalism driving me to spend more and more time under strain, and then seeking ways to vent that strain.
But I agree with you as well, resonating with other people and having them enjoy a work of your own creation is an important reason to exist. And for me, video games have been an invaluable means of escapism from the general sense of powerlessness I feel in being unable to overpower the overwhelming forces of greed that smother those of us who live to be exploited. So if I can give that escapism to others, it's very validating. You know, until the vanguard party starts recruiting.
You're doing great, better than a lot of people already since you've completed one project at least. I hope you're not too stressed out though, that seems rough, but it's what happens in modern capitalist hellscape. Take your time and I'm sure your next project is gonna be great (no pressure)