Growing up I was surrounded by so many people with undiagnosed mental illness mine seemed trivial.
Growing up I was surrounded by so many people with undiagnosed mental illness mine seemed trivial.
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I mentioned that i had concerns about myself when i was about 12. It wasn't dismissed, but it was clear that attempting to address it at that time would be too difficult. I keep it put away as much as i can, only mentioning the intrusive thoughts when i can play it as a joke - not sure if that feels better or worse. After 40 years, I'm finally beginning to recognize the tendency towards self sabotage but still struggle with not giving in to it.
May i ask what illness this is? I recognize this tendency
In my case it is depression. There is a bit a of anxiety and ADHD mixed in to keep it fun. Self-medicating with drugs/alcohol makes it difficult to go too long without causing life problems.
Although I'm currently down, I'm not having thoughts of suicide, and have not for about 4 months.
I have a huge fear of sharing those thoughts because I know I will likely get 5150 again. Hospitalization costs $$$$.
Never went to the doc for it. It's just the stuff that rolls around in my head.
Does my comment above sound familiar?
The only time I've ever really felt suicidal was when I was on antidepressants. Then it was more just feeling insignificant, like one of a bajillion people on the Earth and if I die that's just part of the natural turnover. I'm impulsive and quick to anger, so I know that I can't own a gun. I have a lot of thoughts of destruction that i try to keep in check - holding a stack of plates at a friend's house and want to drop them, what if I put my wedding ring in the garbage disposal, If there's a car stopped on a bridge and I hit it will it go over, I'm afraid of heights because I want to push. When I was a kid, the thing I first noticed was sometimes wishing for bad things to happen- and that's what I now think of as self-sabotage. Is it worse to have a car accident or go to work? If I get a letter from the IRS, am I more excited if it's a check or a bill? Either way, if I throw it away, will they send another?